How do we move forward and built a life together or is there no hope?

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I came across this after some google searching, but I don't know what to do. I'm living with mother-in-law and fiance.

My fiancé (31) and I (28) have been engaged for 8 months now. We've been dating for about 4 years.

His mother (76) lives with him. 3 years ago he moved cities and didn't want to live alone (I couldn't move at the time) so he asked his mother to come live with him. She sold most of her things, left his sister's house (where she had a flat on the property) and moved to where he was.

He has since moved again, and so have I. We now live about 20 minutes apart. His mother living with him.

He has an older sister with two children (21 and 15) who is widowed living about 10 minutes from him. They visit often and his mother sometimes stays there during school holidays or if he is out of town.

His family doesn't know we are dating or engaged. They think of me as his best friend. We are gay and he has never told them.

I proposed to him after flying him to Europe on a romantic getaway. He said yes.

Since, the conversation of living together came up a few times but I have stated that I am not willing to live with him and his mother. Initially he said we should get a 3 bedroom house and we'll each have a bedroom. To which I responded that I won't buy s house with him and live as a tenant.

He then said that he'll tell his family the truth and we'll all live together (me, him, his mother).

I said and maintain that I do not want to live with his mother. She is a very needy person and likes to do things her own way. You literally can't boul the kettle without her telling you how to do it. She also complains about most things, that we are out too late. Or that it is too late to go out. Or too cold or rainy. They fight alot about this and he insists that he isn't a child and that she should stop treating him like one, but it doesn't stop.

He had to move houses because she is getting older and doesn't like stairs. Or she doesn't like her bathroom or her room is too cold - it never gets sun. Then he finds a new house and so on it goes.

She doesn't have a problem with me - his "best friend". But she is very conservative and prays every night that God will come save the gays from their sinful ways (he hears these prayers). This is primarily the reason he hasn't told her anything. And that he fears she might get a stroke or something like that.

The problem is that I want to buy a house and start settling down and start a life with him. Just us. But he says he will never leave her. That he can't leave her. She gave uo everything to come to him and he can't expect his sister to take care of her since she is a single mother with two children.

He has other sisters across the country but they all have their own lives and wouldn't want to take care of his mother.

I don't know if he will ever tell her, and if he did, I don't think she will want to move out and let us build our own lives. I do believe that she will in fact insist on staying - more so than ever before. That's just me having known her for 4 years.

I don't want to force him to make a decision, but I am also not sure how to proceed with this?

I guess I am wondering if he will ever let go and we move in together and start a life without her. Or is he will try and wait until she passed. She isn't sickly or anything and can easily live another 15-20 years!! Not that that's a bad thing, but if that's what he is waiting for the it's gonna be a long wait and when will our lives begin?

Or is there a beter wY to approach her and let her know that she is not going to be abandoned or forgotten? I think that's what she fears, which is why she clings to him. She is afraid he will let her go and never come back. This is also why I don't want her to think I am the one making him do these things, even though I am the one who wants him to.

How do we move forward and built a life together or is there no hope?

Or does anyone have words of advice or encouragement or can anyone help put me on a path to gain insight and understanding?! Any comment or thought. Please.

p.s.He is the only son, with 5 sisters.





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Something I am seeing here, Option, is that your fiance has almost moved mountains to keep his mother happy, but he hasn't given you much of anything that you can grasp. I get the feeling that he is more comfortable with the way it is now. It might change in the future, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I do think you need to tell him what you need from him, and if he can't deliver it, then look around for someone else who can make you happy. He sounds very entangled with his mother and keeping her happy while putting your life on hold.
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I don't think it matters at all that you are gay. I think what matters is that this man has point blank told you that he has chosen his mother over you, and that he will not change his mind on that. I believe this is a dealbreaker. I know that i wouldn't want to live in that type of situation. You are very very young. You have your whole life in front of you. You deserve someone who chooses YOU.

Angel
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You're only 28. This will not be your only shot at finding the love of your life. Be this man's good friend and do not make him responsible for your happiness. Let him go his own way, to deal with his life on his terms, and move on.
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You really want to marry a man who puts his mother ahead of everything else? Who won't acknowledge your relationship to his family?

Why?

Oh, I know, he is kind and funny and dependable and you love him. Love is not enough to overcome the dysfunction in this situation.

You deserve someone who can put you first (while still respecting and caring about his mother) and who is proud of his relationship with you, not hiding it.

Time to move on with your own life.
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Everyone offers good, solid advice, and it's consistent with advice offered to others in similar situations, whether gay or heterosexual. Same situation - fiance is being continually put off and the relationship subordinated in favor of the one of the caregiver's mother.

This isn't going to change; sadly, you'll be kept waiting in the wings for perhaps years, and always kept at arm's lenth because mother is in control and son marches to her beat.

You can read some of the posts here; you're not alone.

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=fiance+won%27t+leave+mother/
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People who are that affixed to a parent have trouble letting go. It works on both their parts too. He doesn't seem to be very comfortable with your relationship either. That would be concerning for me.

I think that I would listen to what he has said, and believe him. I have heard that people show us who there are by their actions. If he's committed to his mother, then I think that's what you will get with him.

If you look on this site you can locate lots of threads from posters who live in a situation with the adult child caring for their parent and the chaos, turmoil, and dysfunction it has brought. Or it could work out fine. I suppose it depends on how much you can compromise.

I hope you find your answers.
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This has NOTHING to do with being gay or straight. As Pam says, this has to do with a very needy man who can individuate from his mom. Move on, as painful as that may be.
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I think if he has not made a choice at this point to tell his mom and his family, you need to accept that he may not ever tell them. Do you think some of them may know, but are keeping quiet out of respect? My cousin did not tell his family for years, but many of us knew anyway, and it was no big deal. The fact that she "prays" about gays getting saved in his hearing is a telling clue to me.
I get that you want to go ahead with your lives together, and I don;t blame you for not wanting Mom in on the deal 24=7. Good luck and I hope you get better advice on here.. lots of great folks!
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Just my opinion: He will not let go, now or ever. They are co-dependent. Even if he was straight and not gay, he would not let go. So buy your house and get on with your life, continue to be friends. If you move in, she will fight for control by feigning illness and pray even louder.
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