I came across this after some google searching, but I don't know what to do. I'm living with mother-in-law and fiance.
My fiancé (31) and I (28) have been engaged for 8 months now. We've been dating for about 4 years.
His mother (76) lives with him. 3 years ago he moved cities and didn't want to live alone (I couldn't move at the time) so he asked his mother to come live with him. She sold most of her things, left his sister's house (where she had a flat on the property) and moved to where he was.
He has since moved again, and so have I. We now live about 20 minutes apart. His mother living with him.
He has an older sister with two children (21 and 15) who is widowed living about 10 minutes from him. They visit often and his mother sometimes stays there during school holidays or if he is out of town.
His family doesn't know we are dating or engaged. They think of me as his best friend. We are gay and he has never told them.
I proposed to him after flying him to Europe on a romantic getaway. He said yes.
Since, the conversation of living together came up a few times but I have stated that I am not willing to live with him and his mother. Initially he said we should get a 3 bedroom house and we'll each have a bedroom. To which I responded that I won't buy s house with him and live as a tenant.
He then said that he'll tell his family the truth and we'll all live together (me, him, his mother).
I said and maintain that I do not want to live with his mother. She is a very needy person and likes to do things her own way. You literally can't boul the kettle without her telling you how to do it. She also complains about most things, that we are out too late. Or that it is too late to go out. Or too cold or rainy. They fight alot about this and he insists that he isn't a child and that she should stop treating him like one, but it doesn't stop.
He had to move houses because she is getting older and doesn't like stairs. Or she doesn't like her bathroom or her room is too cold - it never gets sun. Then he finds a new house and so on it goes.
She doesn't have a problem with me - his "best friend". But she is very conservative and prays every night that God will come save the gays from their sinful ways (he hears these prayers). This is primarily the reason he hasn't told her anything. And that he fears she might get a stroke or something like that.
The problem is that I want to buy a house and start settling down and start a life with him. Just us. But he says he will never leave her. That he can't leave her. She gave uo everything to come to him and he can't expect his sister to take care of her since she is a single mother with two children.
He has other sisters across the country but they all have their own lives and wouldn't want to take care of his mother.
I don't know if he will ever tell her, and if he did, I don't think she will want to move out and let us build our own lives. I do believe that she will in fact insist on staying - more so than ever before. That's just me having known her for 4 years.
I don't want to force him to make a decision, but I am also not sure how to proceed with this?
I guess I am wondering if he will ever let go and we move in together and start a life without her. Or is he will try and wait until she passed. She isn't sickly or anything and can easily live another 15-20 years!! Not that that's a bad thing, but if that's what he is waiting for the it's gonna be a long wait and when will our lives begin?
Or is there a beter wY to approach her and let her know that she is not going to be abandoned or forgotten? I think that's what she fears, which is why she clings to him. She is afraid he will let her go and never come back. This is also why I don't want her to think I am the one making him do these things, even though I am the one who wants him to.
How do we move forward and built a life together or is there no hope?
Or does anyone have words of advice or encouragement or can anyone help put me on a path to gain insight and understanding?! Any comment or thought. Please.
p.s.He is the only son, with 5 sisters.