91-year-old mother with Dementia accused me of stealing. What should I do?

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My 91 year old mother has dementia. She is also a narcissist. I am an only child. I moved to this area to help care for her. I live across the street from her in one of her rental homes. My mother has a car, but cannot drive due to her macular degeneration. She also can't hear. She is very ornery, hateful and mean to me; sometimes she is downright vile. I in all honesty tolerate her abuse because I will inherit a large sum of money. I moved here only to be of help to her. I will move away when the time comes. I do not have a car now and I drive hers when the need arises to take her on her errands or what have you.


My mother, since I've been here (3 years) has several times now accused me of stealing from her. She has told me many times that she doesn't trust me at all. This is extremely hurtful to me, and it just adds more and more stress to my life.


We had an episode last week where she accused me yet again of writing a check for over the amount of purchase and pocketing the difference. I DO NOT STEAL from my mother. Because of her Macular Degeneration she cannot see to write the checks at the grocery store, etc; so I write the checks, and she tries signing them.


After last weeks episode I don't want to take her "anywhere" where a check will need to be written. I need to remove myself from this abuse. A younger friend of my mother told me that if I stop taking her on her errands and writing checks, not only would she disown me she will stop letting me use her car.


I don't know what to do here. I am on Social Security; I have no money. If I had any money I would move away from here so darn fast all my mother would see only my dust. But I can't. I feel so helpless. What should I do?

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Caring for a person with demensia is tough. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2009. You state your mom has demensia, has she been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist? Different types of demensia require different treatments. I would also suggest you read the 36 Hour Day. I would also watch videos and read literature by Teepa Snow and/or Naomi Feil. Many of the things you mention are common with people with demensia. Accusations of stealing, saying mean things, etc.

The job of caring for a person with demensia requires a lot of commitment and I think love. You could not pay me to do this job...I do it because I love my mom. We have not had a super close relationship, but we love each other. You also need to know it will probably require many years and much of her money will be used on her care, meaning there may not be much left in the end. Sorry for being so blunt, but getting an inheritance may or may not happen after you spend many years caring for her.

Demensia is progressive so it only gets worse. Each stage has different challenges. What you described sounds like mid stages. My mom is in final stage 7. She is double incontinent (has to be changed), can't walk, rambles all day but only occasionally makes sense, has to be lifted bed to chair to recliner, has to be hand fed, weighs only 80 lbs now, can never be left alone, not ever. Just a small picture.
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I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know its not easy caring for an elderly parent. I would try and access some community resources and consider talking with a social worker to ensure you have all your options.
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