My mother is 88 yrs old. She is headstrong and selfish. She has admitted to being selfish. My mother has outlived her siblings. My mother was reluctantly staying at a senior hi rise not assisted living facilities until Covid. My sister and I room together and kept mom with us for three horrible months temporarily hoping the virus would blow over. My sister and I decided to take her back to the hi rise since no break out of covid.
My other sister decided to take mom to GA with her until we can get her in an assisted living place since mom has decided that she doesn't want to cook anymore.
My sister is going through hell with my mother, unfortunately no surprise at all.
My mom has decided now that she doesn't like living alone and doesn't want to go to the assisted living or the senior high rise. My mother is healthy and gets around with no cane or walker.
Of course my brothers and their wives don't help but of course is part of the reason my sister from GA picked up my mom.
My sisters and I plan on taking her to assisted living facilities once it opens back up. Of course, we kinda feel bad but she is too much!! No one deserves to keep!
Is there a way to let her know that she doesn't have a choice nicely?

Thanks everyone! Well it looks like my mom will be going to assisted living facilities in my city. I've been used to my mother being out of town so will have to set boundaries since I still work. Having aging parents is a great deal of work.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to fost40
Beatty Sep 18, 2020
Good to hear your update & that a solution has been found 😃.

In some families the kindest heart seems to take on all the 'stuff': the paperwork, the clothing/shoe buying, the driving to appointments. Other families divide it up.

Hopefully you can share tasks with your closest sister to lighten the load.

Keep encouraging Mother to stay as independant as she can, getting things delivered, joining groups etc. The aim is to avoid making her more dependant on you for goods/services/social contact than she needs to be.

Job well done 🤩
I know this hard for you. It was for us before the covid crisis. My mom died by herself in a room. We just didn’t know how bad things had got to because we weren’t allowed to visit. My mom was 90 in a nursing home in Georgia she was in a room with an inmate that was positive for corona virus. Mom had not even been tested yet. She died May 1st of this year. She had not even had the test Butwhen admitted to theER the documents from the nursing home said she was in the room with a person who was positive. If I was you I would take my mother home and love her every day and feel like I had won the lottery. There are no words to tell you how much I miss my mother. I break down at least once a week. Bless you.
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Reply to Jobaby2

I have work collegue (so not yet retired). She is worried about aging & her future needs. When I asked her what she wants for her future - she doesn't know.

But she knows she doesn't want to live alone.

I asked if it was possible to move in with her children? No. Lived OS or too rural. Had other relatives offered? No. Would she hire an aide to visit & help her? No. Wouldn't want strangers in the house. Move into AL? No. Loves her house, not willing to leave it.

So I asked again, what do you actually want?

"I suppose what I really would like is my kids to just be there to look after me in my own house".

So, you want your kids to leave their spouses, their own children, careers & homes to become your attendants?

"I just want to be in my own home, that I love, looked after by people I trust".

Yes, don't we all. It's a fair enough request. I suggested she find a way to plan that.

As an outsider, it appeared this lady expected the world to turn around her. I hoped a good councellor may help her find a path in the future - hopefully before she becomes estranged from her kids with her unrealistic demands & expectations.

Hope your Mother has greater insight.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Beatty
fost40 Sep 18, 2020
Nope my mother doesn't have greater insight. She always complains that we grew up too fast. The ”baby girl” is 51 years old!
My Older sister and I are single so no one feels in the family that we deserve a life. My brother and his wife are too thrilled that mom is coming to our city.
The reason she is coming to our city is because my brother states that he has health issues and because of COVID he refuses to come to the senior high rise or assisted living facilities
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Your question is "Is there a way to let her know that she doesn't have a choice nicely?."

Maybe. It's not surprising that your brothers and their wives don't help. If your mother's own daughters can't stand her, then the daughters-in-law surely like her even less.

Suggestion 1. You can frame it so that it is not so personal, it's not her that is the reason, it's you who needs to have your space and privacy back. So, you're not rejecting her, you're just needing your peace and quiet back. It could be anyone, a friend, another relative and you would still have the same need which is true, isn't it? You can tell her: "Mom, Sis and I are so used to having our own place and space and living without parents' supervision. We are going nuts not having it. We really love you but we really can't share our space with anyone (not just you) too long. We need our peace and quiet or else we are going crazy." "If you live in _____, you will have your own place, You can do whatever you want, We will visit often, but we each have our own place and space. We won't get on each other's nerves like we did when you were living here with us."

Suggestion 2. If your mom likes the AL place more than your place or your other sister's place, she might be more tempted to move. So, find a good AL with many things that she likes, get her to tour it, play up the positives, maybe even offer to help her with some moving expenses, first month's rent, or other incentives.

I would try both of the above. Good luck.
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Reply to polarbear

Mother knows she doesn't want to live alone. OK.

Next she will have to decide what she DOES want. Then look at that to see if that is actually possible.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Beatty

Do not allow her to live with you "temporarily" while searching for facilities, it will be very difficult to get her out once she's back in.

Just say no.
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Reply to ZippyZee

If your mother has a sound mind then she does have a choice about where she lives and can’t be made to go anywhere. She can live wherever her funds will permit. If none of her adult children want her to live with them, and it sounds like they shouldn’t, it’s up to all of you to be honest with her and tell her that won’t work. Then it’s your choice whether or not you want to help her find a suitable place
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930

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