My MIL is 95, has CHF, kidney failure, incontinence, AFib and her doctor recently ordered her to assisted living. Her son (my husband) who is her only child looked a long time and found a good place for her (a residential home healthcare assisted living place) but her room there is semi-private. She has a narcissist personality and always has had her way. Putting her in assisted living is first time we had to tell her "no" because she did not want to go. She is angry and cursing and pitting my son (her grandson) and her niece against us by working their emotions.
She is an extrovert and still has most of her mental abilities except for no common sense or ability to make an executive decision. She likes to talk to people and we tried to find the best place we could that had 2-3 other people besides the caregivers who she could talk to. She does not like that she is in a semi-private room (although that is all she can afford) and says others look like they're dying. She is crying to her niece in Louisiana and calling and crying to her grandson that she wants out and asking that they come get her. She hates her son and me for putting her in assisted living. She has always been a dominating and aggressive woman but she is now mean, vindictive and manipulative. When her grandson came to visit and take her to lunch, she used that time for him to take her to the hospital (saying her ankles were swollen) and he did not knowing what she was up to. This is about the 6th time she has been in the hospital for same issue in the last 2 years and been told she did not necessarily need to go to the hospital. She used that as an excuse with my grandson to get out of the assisted living home and go to the hospital where she told the nurses and doctors that she was not being treated well by her son and daughter in law and the assisted living home where she has only been for 1 week. Accordingly, we had a social worker and doctor separately take us aside in the emergency room to question our motives and find out if we or the assisted living home was abusing her or treating her badly. I've never felt so hurt or insulted in my life.
After each questioning, they realized she was using everyone and overreacting to the situation. However, while she was there in ER, they found her potassium and electrolyte levels needed to be balanced so they will be working on that until they release her tomorrow. My son understands our position but is making us feel guilty because he thinks she should be in a place where someone can converse with her. My MIL has not given it anytime to talk to anyone. Apparently, everyday she just stays in her room when she could have been out and mingling and talking to the others during activity time. Her niece called us crying saying my MIL called her saying she was in a place with dying people and she wanted to come and talk to her and take her away if possible! My MIL, whether she admits it or not, and whether she knowingly is doing it or not, is creating friction between us and our son and between us and her niece. I understand it is a hard thing to adjust to especially when she has always had her way, but my thought is that she should understand the position we are in, that we're doing our best and finding the best place possible, and attempt to take this new phase in her life with a little more grace or acceptance.
She lies, telling us one thing and others another thing and seems to want to conspire against us. What can my husband and I do? If she is so angry as to somehow get herself out of the assisted living place, do we have a right to throw up our hands and have someone else take over? Any other suggestions? Help!