Mom wants to start trouble between my husband and I. How do I handle this?

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Today Mom did something that hurt me very badly...I spent several hours with Mom taking her to her PCP for a followup appt. My 18 yr old son came along to spend time with her since he had a day off school and work...Mom was being very difficult today; argumentative and just difficult...I was exhausted after being with her for 1/2 hr but I kept my patience by biting my tongue so as not to cause any problems. My son said I did well considering Gramma being difficult. Mom had told me some things my brother had been doing at the house (he lives with her he's 62) and he's a little 'slow' i guess you would say. He just doesn't make good decisions and my husband and I have always reminded him we are here for him at any time in case he has a question about ANYTHING !!! Well he made a few bad decisions which I reacted to with firmness and impatience directed at him, not Mom. Well this happened a few more times and even Mom was complaining about him. As my son and I were leaving we had said we had a few more places to go before we had to go home. Hugs and kisses and told her we loved her endless times as we left...when my son and I got home my husband said that Mom had called him which I didn't believe at first...I have been with my husband for 10 yrs and i wondered at first if something was wrong. My husband said she wanted to tell him that I was not in a very good mood today and that I was mean!!! Immediately I was crushed and hurt and wondered what possessed her to do that!!! I spend alot of time and energy doing her bills, take her to and from dr appts, spend time with her at home, call her when I don't see her on a day and take care of her personal needs... I'm sitting here just crying because I am so hurt. See, she did the same thing with my daughter years ago. Her and my dad would do and say sneaky things between themselves and tell my daughter if I said or did something... then my daughter and I would argue when it was really something that my parents had started, but yet they would say to her 'don't tell your mother I told you this'....and so I feel this is happening again....I would like to say it is her Alzheimers dementia but she did it years ago and here it is again !!!! What am i supposed to do ??? I wasn't disrespectful to her, I giggled with her today and bit my tongue when she'd say or do something a little 'off'...my son was appalled that she called my husband and said that ... what am I to do ??? I did not call her because I knew I would end up saying something to upset her, but at the same time I don't deserve this treatment... any suggestions ??? I would sure like to know... My son and I had told her that we had a few more places to go before we went home....but when she talked to my husband she said to him that 'she just left here and will be coming home'... !!! So naturally when my son and I came home @ 2 hrs later he was like 'where were you ???'...I was taken aback because he's never questioned me on time when he knows i have to see Mom plus do errands - he's very understanding that way... I am just horrified over this besides hurt and angry, but I don't know what to do...I can't have this happen again... Please, any suggestions .... ???

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Great you did not bring it up to mom! That would do absolutely no good other than frustrate her and make her angry. You cannot reason with dementia. You cannot teach dementia. Through this journey you need to learn to not allow things she says get you angry or hurt. Dementia is a very wicked disease and brings out the worst in the sick. It also tends to bring out the worst in the caregiver that thinks these bad behaviors can be controlled.

My suggestion is for you, your husband and son, perhaps your daughter find a caregiver support group. Learn more about dementia, hear other similar stories. Read this website. Find a way to get the support you need then you will not feel so alone in the difficulties of the disease.

Mom will not get better, behaviors are bound to get worse. One day she will not be able to even know how to use the phone. In that respect this behavior is temporary. This is very hard to go through, perhaps find some help for mom so you do not have to do so much. Develop a plan for mom's future living arrangements, have all of her documents, POA, living will, DNR in place so that is done when they are necessary.
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Lilrabbit, I have a sister who tried to start trouble between my husband and me. But I was never worried. I have an honest, straightforward relationship with my husband.
She could say anything and he would check with me first.

I think if your Mother did this in the past as you say, then this shouldn't come as a surprise to you. Dementia can take a person's bad traits and magnify them tenfold.
I'm sure those who love you, know you and nothing anyone could say would change that. Add the dementia factor into this equation and they definitely would see the source.

Try and forgive your Mom and move on from this. If you feel you have to bring it up do it delicately cause your Mom may not even remember what she was thinking at the time she phoned your husband. Good Luck!
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Your husband has been with you for 10 years. Is he a reasonable person? Does he trust you? Does he understand the nature of dementia? (Do you?)

A demented old lady cannot make trouble between you and your husband unless the two of you are willing to let that happen.

"She called you? How strange! She was actually in a bad mood most of the day. She was difficult to deal with, but Son and I did pretty well at keeping our patience. I hate to say this about my own mother, but it was a relief to get out of there and do some errands!"

It was good that you didn't call her. Nothing good would have come out of that. If she didn't have dementia it might have served a purpose to raise objections with her, but I'm afraid you aren't going to change her at this point. Just let it go. You need your husband's support, and you need to communicate what is going.

This is not "happening again." Your mother now has dementia. You now have a different husband. You are older and wiser. Leave your mother out of your relationship with your husband entirely, except to keep him informed and ask for his support.
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