She has started accusing me of stealing her things. She and my dad live together and he caregivers her. I usually visit at least once a week but now she is accusing me of stealing (tablecloths and jewelry). This is absolutely not true. I feel I should not visit anymore, for fear that she'll continue to accuse dad doesn't back me up, I believe because doing so will make the home life even worse. Our childhood (I have an older sis) was always dis functional with my mom and dad having constant violent arguments along with everything from bigotry to not being able to keep friends, to calling me and my sis names...on and on. This disfunction continues in their current relationship. My father is drinks, many times heavily, and now with my mom's deteriorating mental health, the situation is pretty bad and now focused on me. My father refuses to allow my sis or I to help or to take any of our advice such as declaring a medical power of attorney to supplement their living will..and etc. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should just stay myself...and am starting to realize that the same issues in my childhood are prevalent and magnified in their old age. Should I stay away? Is there any way I can convince my mom that I'm here to help and would never steal from them? (Btw...there has never been a history of my doing anything like that and so this is totally out of the blue). How do I deal with this?

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Well first you need to educate yourself on Alzheimers - there are a ton of threads on here about parents with dementia/Alzheimers accusing loving children of stealing. It comes with the territory. I don't know of any way to fix that - your mom's brain is broken. Go to Youtube and look at Teepa Snow's videos on Alzheimers and dementia, she's great about explaining how their brains work.

I say save yourself if your father doesn't support you, drinks and your family is full of long-standing dysfunction. If at some point down the road they ask for help and you can give it, decide what you want to do...but at this point, I'd say they won't let you help them. So leave them to their own devices. Good luck - this isn't easy!
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You may never change your mom's mind. I wouldn't think twice about it if my dad backed me up, but without that? I'd be concerned both where my sister was concerned and from a legal perspective. Take someone with you when you visit. Can't do that? Always stay in dad's presence.

Talk to your local council on aging. They may visit with them to see if they're entitled to any free or subsidized services. Talk to them specifically about this issue. They've heard it all and will likely have some great advice.
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