My grand moved in with us after a fall in December. We recently found out that she has mild/moderate dementia. This has come with a whole host of issues from the constant verbalizations of everything she sees, not being able to dress or bathe her self, to her lack of understanding of new surroundings and more. From my research and speaking with others here on the discussion boards these issues are common for this disease.
My father, an only child, and mother are in their late 60's and are in no condition to care or her. They also live 3-4 hours away. My only sibling, sister, is a drug addict and alcoholic. So help from them is scarce.
Having gran move in with us has been a struggle as our lives have changed majorly since her arrival. We also have a young son with autism.
My spouse works from home and I am a stay at home mom. I used to run a small business from home but since gran requires so much care I have had to stop working.
Recently I noticed and my spouse has verbalized and been acting really really irritated. She is extremely snappy and grouchy. I realize we are all under a lot of new strain and stress as we adjust into the new family arraignment.
I try to validated/acknowledge her feelings, without criticizing her. I try to be a supportive wife and mother. I am in no way perfect.
I am starting to become resentful and angry with my spouse over the care/living with us of my gran.
In the past we struggled to make ends meet and my grandparents lent us quite a bit of money over the last 10 years. They never required us to pay them back, in my grandfathers words "I would rather you get it thank the government when I die" Now we are finally on our feet and my spouse has a very good job. We have been able to get our finances under control and start saving. Basically we are like your typical mid-30 something middle class family. Not rich but comfortable.
Last year my spouses father passed away. It was after a long battle with a blood cancer. Between my spouses sister and myself and his wife we made sure he was well taken care of. The sister bearing most of the burden. Any time there was a need of an extra set of hands I volunteered to help. I never said no. This man who I came to love more than my own father opened his home to me when my parents kicked me out and cut me off for coming out and admitting to them I am a lesbian. He let us live with him rent free for 2 years while we finished college and entered into the work force.
When my spouses mother had surgery, new knees, gastric bypass and her hysterectomy I was the caregiver. I did the dirty nurse work. While everyone else was working. Since I had the most flexible work schedule and a child not yet in school it made the most sense. I never regretted or resented this position in the family. To me that is what family is for.
I want to remain supportive of my partner in her feelings but her actions and verbalizations of her frustration are only adding to my stress level in trying to care for my gran. I know my spouse is most angry at my dad and mom about not being able to care for my gran. She has always harbored anger toward them for kicking me out and for how they treated be prior to the birth of our son. It has only been in the last 6 years that I have started to really speak to my parents again. (A new grandbaby can really turn around a family dispute).
Any suggestions on how to help her deal with her frustrations over the new family dynamic? I feel like I have put her family above myself and mine family for good reason. but now that my gran needs help there is lack of support from the person I expected to support me the most my spouse. I of course realize that having a love one move in with you is different than simply taking a day here or there to help family. But we knew this was coming, my gran is 88. She is had been in declining health for about 5 years now, since the passing of my grandfather.
I just want to help my spouse understand what is happening and relieve some of her stress. I guess I am just trying to be the good wife with out feeling unappreciated.