Mom thinks she is ok. But I know differently. Don't know what to do? -

Mom thinks she is ok. But I know differently. Don't know what to do?


My mom is living in Florida. There is no one there to assist her. She came up after the hurricane at the urging of her family. A few days after she arrived I took her to the hospital with an infection. She stayed a few days and came out only to return two days later for the same thing. We insisted on a rehab since she didn't seem to be able to walk very well. When she got out of the rehab, I took her into my home. My husband and I, along with mom have various routines that will not work together. She stayed over a month and we sent her to my sister in Minnesota. During her time here we convinced her that it would be good for her to sell her condo, get other insurance and move to NJ. She agreed. But she does this normally to patronize us. She is now with my sister a former nurse - where my mom can be looked after. She is now insisting on going back to Florida and staying until after winter. This is what she normally does. She needs assistance, but she doesn't believe so. All the work that my husband and I have done so far seems to be worthless since she now wants to technically move back to Florida and stay. I have started to look into independent and assisted living facilities that are a lot of money. Not sure what to do anymore. My family is concerned about her safety. Mom thinks she is ok. But I know differently. She has a hard time seeing, hearing and that is not the real challenges of her medical problems. What can I do? I have power of attorney, but I probably need to get a guardianship of her. I don't think they will grant it due to the fact that she is very much with it. Can you direct me? Thank you.

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((((((hugs))))) It is very frustrating and emotional. After you have done what you can do, it becomes a waiting game, which is no fun. Your mum is entering a phase in her life where she will become more and more dependent, and with that possibly more and more difficult, and the situation will be more and more demanding on you and your sister. As you have POA, you should be keeping an eye in her finances if you are not already. Financial problems/poor judgement often come early in this game. It can be difficult to convince a parent that you should involved in their finances. After all, they have done it for years!

Keep posting, reading and venting, and letting us know how you are doing. It helps to know you are not alone.
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Thank you for the insight. It is very frustrating not to mention emotional.
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You are in that grey zone, between the rock and a hard place, in which many of us have been. Your mother has increasing needs for help, but does not acknowledge it, so she wants to go back to where she has been and carry on as usual. I agree with cm that you would not likely be successful in a bid for guardianship as she is too "with it".

Usually there is not much you can do if you cannot persuade her to do what you think is sensible and safe; however, you can research facilities, look at the medicaid application process and where she stands with that, discuss the options with your sister, contact the agency for aging for ideas and generally prepare yourselves for an "event" that forces the issue, if she goes back to Florida.

If I understand it right, she is still with your sister who is able and prepared to care for her in sis's home. I would drop the subject, and see how it plays out. I suspect your mum is feeling her decline, though largely in denial, so is fighting it, and fighting for her independence. As cm says - don't help her. When my mother wanted to make a move that was not good for her and wouldn't heed what I was telling her, I told her I couldn't stop her, but neither would I help her. It is even better if you can take a passive approach and just don't help without having to confront. She may eventually accept that she cannot go back to her old life when she sees what she as to do to maintain her independence.
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"I don't think they will grant it due to the fact that she is very much with it."

I think you're right.

The good news about this is that what happens is your mother's decision, and the consequences are for her to accept.

Is it the winter getting her down? I'm sorry for all your wasted efforts, but if she wants to move back to Florida then I should stop trying to stop her. Just don't do it for her.
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