Wow! It's been awhile since I've been on here! I wanted to thank everyone for their very helpful responses. I've had a little "extra excitement" to deal with in the interim. In August, my husband was diagnosed with heart blockages. In the space of a few weeks, we went from test to test to test. And then he had a quadruple bypass surgery. So I've been very busy nursing and caretaking for my hubby. He's doing a lot better now, although it's a very long recovery process. I'm still spending most of my time taking care of him, so mom is having to "make due" with 24/7 attention from the AL staff. But I wanted to make sure I didn't ignore the fact that you all had been kind enough to respond. Thank you!
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a mental health condition in which a person is preoccupied with rules, orderliness, and control. Medicines may help reduce anxiety and depression from OCPD. Talk therapy is thought to be the most effective treatment for OCPD. In some cases, medicines combined with talk therapy is more effective than either treatment alone.
((((((pinky))))) You have described much if my mother's behaviours - getting angry about little things, nothing done exactly right, no empathy for others - it is all about her, You have to practice detaching - emotional distancing and set boundaries to maintain your sanity. Right now my mother is calling me daily to do this and that for her. She is in an ALF and well looked after - in fact they ha allotted more time than usual for home care to do things for her because she is so fussy but she called me yesterday and wants me to hire an outside person to come in a make her supper "so she can have a proper meal". I said I'll see what I can so and will do nothing as I know she is well enough fed at the ALF. She would keep me busy all day long answering her calls and doing the things she wants me to do - like calling her lawyer, calling her shopping lady, suing her previous ALF and so on. Nothing is ever right fore long. Yes, there is a huge dose of narcissism in there and one had to remember the main game is getting attention and having other people center their lives in her. I did call the shopping lady as she needed some groceries but I am not doing the other things. You have to decide what you will and what you will not respond to. Fortunately her memory is very short so she does not always remember what she asked me to do. here are some pointers on detaching: It takes practice but you will do better in time:
Detaching Accept that they are responsible for their own choices Anger –deal with it in a healthy way Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame Consequences – face them and see that others experience them Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion, Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable Focus on yourself Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received, Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail [ FOG - , obligation and guilt] Respond, don’t react Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings Set boundaries Say “No” Space –create it between you and them Try not to take the behaviours personally Treat others and yourself with love and dignity You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
Let us know how thing are going. We do learn from one another and do something good for you today. (((((((hugs))))))
You are in the right place, welcome to the Forum. I think that you will find many people on this site that are dealing with similar issues. Over the past 2 years I have found many solutions or just been able to vent and it has been a blessing.
Some of the complaints come from the fact that she can't take over and make things right and it causes great anxiety that can lead to depression. Start with anti- anxiety meds and limit her intake of caffeine.
PinkyK, there is nothing in the world you can do to change her way of thinking and acting (as you surely know!), but you can change your way of responding to her. If I were in your situation, I would not try to get her to see her glass half full. I would just listen to her and respond, "Is that so?" and/or "I'm sorry you feel that way" and/or "I bet that's hard for you." That way you're not engaging her but you are showing you have listened to her. I would also limit my time with her and not explain myself too much about it. As for her forcing/leading/manipulating/guilting you into doing things for her, that's where you will have to draw a line and not cross it. I'm sure you know what is a real concern with her and what's not. Don't let her drag you into what's not a real concern. And, by the way, your recital was VERY articulate! That's exactly what we needed in your original post. :)
And yes, as MStettinius suggested, she lacks empathy. She is 95, but takes no prescriptions at all and has no chronic medical conditions. She's just (understandably) frail. I've tried to point out that she is very lucky, since we know many people less than half her age who have serious medical conditions (including cancer), not to mention (normal) aches and pains. But she refuses to see anything except her half of the glass which is perpetually empty.
Wow, thank you everyone! After posting this question, I started reading more articles on the self-help pages, and realized that my mother exhibits even more symptoms and behaviors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder than she does of OCPD, although I think she has that also. So my main question relates to how to help her when needed, while maintaining my own sanity and self-esteem, rather than coping with someone who is in danger of hurting themselves. My mother lives in assisted living (AL) near to me. My brother lives out of state (and has for his entire adult life, which he acknowledges was intentional to distance himself from her dysfunction). My aunt, her sister, is 92 and no longer drives. So errand running, doctor visits, and pretty much every other bit of business for my mother is now my responsibility. The AL has a bus, and our county has a free bus (with assistance) for seniors, but she hates waiting for any length of time (my time, of course, is not important), so she hates to use these services. In the past, my tactic has been to minimize contact with my toxic mother, since it's always a manipulative, no-win situation. However, under present circumstances, I am forced into regular contact and endless opportunities for guilt-tripping, emotional manipulations and the lifelong "you didn't do this exactly right". Throughout her life, she has exhibited many of the behaviors and manipulations, etc., such as becoming enraged if something is not done/placed, etc exactly the way that she thinks it should be done/placed. I am now realizing that part of the fact that she's always been impossible to please may actually be due to NPD, rather than OCPD. It's all gotten worse with age. Anyone who calls or visits is treated to a litany of complaints, including a recital about whatever her latest situations (AL trip to a restaurant, doctor visit, etc.) in excruciating detail, and complaining about each and every step of the process/trip,etc. Nothing is ever right. Errands have not been done correctly (sent it back! Exchange it!). According to my mother, the AL staff never do anything right. Etc., etc.... Even the AL staff have confided to me about their frustration with her. Honestly, now that she seems to be treating the AL staff the way she treats close family members (strangers always think she's so sweet! apparently another NPD hallmark), I'm amazed that they do any favors for her at all.
I apologize in advance, as this may not be the most articulate recital, but I hope this helps flesh out my challenge a bit more. Thanks.
jmcgrath has the right idea. My mil and my husband were/are both OCD and were/are suffering from dementia. If you don't allow them "safe" outlets they will find unsafe ones and be even more determined to do these things. But you have to trick them a little -- in that, if they think it's and approved activity it won't be nearly as interesting as if they think it's NOT approved! -- Just like teenagers!
It is a hard thing to deal with even when you are young. The trick is to let her do things that are related to her compulsion that are not harmful. If she rummages frequently through drawers or cabinets, make sure there is nothing in them within her reach that is harmful. Some people even set up a rummage room. They fill it with old clothes and safe items in dressers and closets and they can fold and unfold to their hearts content! You need to give us more info though on her specific issues.
Hi PinkyK. My mother was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, but, looking back, I believe it was the beginning of vascular dementia and possible Alzheimer's disease. She would get angry about little things, and act inappropriately (as if she could not empathize with people). I agree with the last respondent that more info about your mom would be helpful.
Hi, PinkyK. What is your particular issue with your mom and her disorder? Does she live with you? Is she in an ALF? Does she have dementia? It's hard to provide insight without knowing more details about your situation.
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I'm still spending most of my time taking care of him, so mom is having to "make due" with 24/7 attention from the AL staff. But I wanted to make sure I didn't ignore the fact that you all had been kind enough to respond. Thank you!
Medicines may help reduce anxiety and depression from OCPD. Talk therapy is thought to be the most effective treatment for OCPD. In some cases, medicines combined with talk therapy is more effective than either treatment alone.
It takes practice but you will do better in time:
Detaching
Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail [ FOG - , obligation and guilt]
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
Let us know how thing are going. We do learn from one another and do something good for you today. (((((((hugs))))))
After posting this question, I started reading more articles on the self-help pages, and realized that my mother exhibits even more symptoms and behaviors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder than she does of OCPD, although I think she has that also. So my main question relates to how to help her when needed, while maintaining my own sanity and self-esteem, rather than coping with someone who is in danger of hurting themselves.
My mother lives in assisted living (AL) near to me. My brother lives out of state (and has for his entire adult life, which he acknowledges was intentional to distance himself from her dysfunction). My aunt, her sister, is 92 and no longer drives. So errand running, doctor visits, and pretty much every other bit of business for my mother is now my responsibility. The AL has a bus, and our county has a free bus (with assistance) for seniors, but she hates waiting for any length of time (my time, of course, is not important), so she hates to use these services.
In the past, my tactic has been to minimize contact with my toxic mother, since it's always a manipulative, no-win situation. However, under present circumstances, I am forced into regular contact and endless opportunities for guilt-tripping, emotional manipulations and the lifelong "you didn't do this exactly right". Throughout her life, she has exhibited many of the behaviors and manipulations, etc., such as becoming enraged if something is not done/placed, etc exactly the way that she thinks it should be done/placed. I am now realizing that part of the fact that she's always been impossible to please may actually be due to NPD, rather than OCPD. It's all gotten worse with age.
Anyone who calls or visits is treated to a litany of complaints, including a recital about whatever her latest situations (AL trip to a restaurant, doctor visit, etc.) in excruciating detail, and complaining about each and every step of the process/trip,etc. Nothing is ever right. Errands have not been done correctly (sent it back! Exchange it!). According to my mother, the AL staff never do anything right. Etc., etc....
Even the AL staff have confided to me about their frustration with her. Honestly, now that she seems to be treating the AL staff the way she treats close family members (strangers always think she's so sweet! apparently another NPD hallmark), I'm amazed that they do any favors for her at all.
I apologize in advance, as this may not be the most articulate recital, but I hope this helps flesh out my challenge a bit more.
Thanks.