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I'm still spending most of my time taking care of him, so mom is having to "make due" with 24/7 attention from the AL staff. But I wanted to make sure I didn't ignore the fact that you all had been kind enough to respond. Thank you!
Medicines may help reduce anxiety and depression from OCPD. Talk therapy is thought to be the most effective treatment for OCPD. In some cases, medicines combined with talk therapy is more effective than either treatment alone.
It takes practice but you will do better in time:
Detaching
Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail [ FOG - , obligation and guilt]
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
Let us know how thing are going. We do learn from one another and do something good for you today. (((((((hugs))))))
After posting this question, I started reading more articles on the self-help pages, and realized that my mother exhibits even more symptoms and behaviors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder than she does of OCPD, although I think she has that also. So my main question relates to how to help her when needed, while maintaining my own sanity and self-esteem, rather than coping with someone who is in danger of hurting themselves.
My mother lives in assisted living (AL) near to me. My brother lives out of state (and has for his entire adult life, which he acknowledges was intentional to distance himself from her dysfunction). My aunt, her sister, is 92 and no longer drives. So errand running, doctor visits, and pretty much every other bit of business for my mother is now my responsibility. The AL has a bus, and our county has a free bus (with assistance) for seniors, but she hates waiting for any length of time (my time, of course, is not important), so she hates to use these services.
In the past, my tactic has been to minimize contact with my toxic mother, since it's always a manipulative, no-win situation. However, under present circumstances, I am forced into regular contact and endless opportunities for guilt-tripping, emotional manipulations and the lifelong "you didn't do this exactly right". Throughout her life, she has exhibited many of the behaviors and manipulations, etc., such as becoming enraged if something is not done/placed, etc exactly the way that she thinks it should be done/placed. I am now realizing that part of the fact that she's always been impossible to please may actually be due to NPD, rather than OCPD. It's all gotten worse with age.
Anyone who calls or visits is treated to a litany of complaints, including a recital about whatever her latest situations (AL trip to a restaurant, doctor visit, etc.) in excruciating detail, and complaining about each and every step of the process/trip,etc. Nothing is ever right. Errands have not been done correctly (sent it back! Exchange it!). According to my mother, the AL staff never do anything right. Etc., etc....
Even the AL staff have confided to me about their frustration with her. Honestly, now that she seems to be treating the AL staff the way she treats close family members (strangers always think she's so sweet! apparently another NPD hallmark), I'm amazed that they do any favors for her at all.
I apologize in advance, as this may not be the most articulate recital, but I hope this helps flesh out my challenge a bit more.
Thanks.