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My 94-year-old mother just wants to sleep either lying down in bed or just sitting in her wheelchair. She's complained for months of bloating and stomachache, but nothing untoward has been found.


This has been going on for months. She's on medications to suppress stomach acidity. She's very deaf and has some dementia. She eats fine and hasn't lost weight, but shows no interest in anything, whether it be going for walks in her wheelchair or watching TV or having visits from grandchildren and greatgrandchildren. Her blood pressure is excellent and all vital signs seem okay.


Nothing makes her happy and she doesn't stop moaning and complaining. She lives at home with a caregiver who has gone on vacation for 5 weeks. We didn't find a replacement caregiver, so my 2 sisters and myself have become her caregivers. She finds fault with everything we do. She's marking off the days on the calendar for her caregiver to return.


Just venting but this is so difficult. She says she's had enough, but still eats quite well, especially sweet things (comfort foods?).

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Good Morning,

A lot of the elderly build special relationships with a caregiver. It's common for the elderly to want to sleep a lot and really just do nothing as they are wearing out. Sometimes, they just want you to sit and be even if they are napping on the couch.

I wouldn't force your loved one to engage but just be. Is Palliative Care of Hospice needed or perhaps when the "regular" caregiver returns you can have a discussion if there has been a steady decline.

Some NH give residents their dessert "first" to sweeten their taste buds so they will eat. I have been in the trenches for a while now. I have learned that with Dementia and old age--the elderly are not dying because they are not eating, but they are not eating because they are dying. I didn't realize this but with the knowledge I have now compared to 14 years ago if you can believe that one, it's quite a common characteristic.

Just sit and hold Mom's hand...Amen!
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Reply to Ireland
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Being a caregiver takes a lot from your life. If you're still married, it takes a toll on your marriage, sacrifices etc Mom just turned 99. Since mom became a widow at an early age, she took care of her only daughter. Through rough times or any ones help, we sacrificed and survived. Now, she's been in an assisted living but we visit her at least 4 times a week. Also, have camera in her room, a video Amazon tablet where we speak. She has now adjusted well. She's mobile and take her to her kidney specialist every 3 months and care for her needs. I feel that I need to give back for the care she gave me. I feel guilty at times having her away but I also at our age 78, have to give my husband and I some time to finally enjoy a little bit of our lives. We are trying to enjoy our small freedom but at the same time looking after mom, together. Be strong but also give yourself time for you. I managed to do a spend down trust for mom. She Wishing you the best.
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Reply to Mariasig
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This is the caregiver learning place. Don't think that it's wrong not to be a caregiver, it's a very difficult thing for everyone here. We didn't choose to go through this, if we did, we were unaware of the insanity and disruption of our lives it would bring. Five weeks for her caregiver to return,(if she does?)is going to take its toll on her and the family. The assumption that one can die in their home is pretty much out of the question due to the tremendous amount of care people need when they start wandering, falling or forgetting to take medications. Sounds like mom is pretty bedridden and maybe a call to hospice might be in order? This is end of life process and it's to make them as comfortable as possible. It can last for months!! They will make sure she's given medication to ease her pain, get a hospital bed that adjusts to her comfort level. They can supply incontinence products ( pull-ups, bed pads) as well as lubricant products (wipes and lotions). They can give support to the family as well. It's something to look into as she's at the age where it's too late to have her adjust to life elsewhere. They're not out to stop her life, just give her the respectful care she needs till it's her time. Is it possible the caregiver went on vacation so she didn't have to watch her suffer? Maybe they know something? Please be as patient as possible, it doesn't help either of you. Just remember, she's not the person you used to know, that person leaves when dementia gets more severe. She can't help that her mind is broken.
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Reply to JuliaH
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It is the change. You will never do things like the caregiver that she has gotten used too. Any change can cause a dementia patient to shut down because it is too confusing to deal with. Just be kind and let her sleep. A recliner might be better than a wheel chair in the daytime.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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If you cannot take care of your mom, place her in assisted living. She is 94? God bless her!
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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The stomach acid medications do not agree with me, I don't know about your Mom. They put my Mom on them as well, on and off. You need some acid to digest food or it is just going to sit in your stomach. Check with g.p. about just using tums as needed.
My Mom was ready to go as well at 96. Lots of complaining. So many losses have been endured at that stage of life. Said she didn't have any purpose anymore. She said she felt like a burden and had lived too long.
Antidepressants may add to gut issues like constipation.
A lot of sleeping is common at that age. My FIL is doing it as well at age 96. Both he and my Mom have/had a taste for sweets. Also very common at that age.
So glad to hear she likes her caregiver! Count yourselves lucky!
She is approaching her end. Just love and support her the best you can and know it won't last forever. Dementia is so hard.
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Reply to Pjdela
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Seems your mother may suffer from depression - a very common issue with seniors. Have her evaluated by a psychiatrist as well as a medical doctor (make sure not to miss a medical issue causing this behavior).
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LakeErie May 2, 2025
At 94? A psychiatrist will do nothing but send a big bill.
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I’d say mom is tired, of life, of it all, and she well deserves to be. She’s lost independence and abilities, she’s lost good health, she’s lived long enough to lose many friends and family. I really learned about this with my dad. He was simply tired of it all. One day each of us may well understand. Her taste buds may need sharper flavors, like sweets, to taste good. That’s okay. She’s bored, not fixable, don’t even try. Limit the time you listen to the griping for your own wellbeing. End of life will come, but isn’t as likely when she’s eating well. Be grateful for a caregiver she likes, that’s huge. I wish you both peace
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Beethoven13 May 2, 2025
“Be grateful for a caregiver she likes”. This is gold. And who likes her enough to continue? It’s a balance these last few years. Home vs facility? How this all impacts your life. Nothing I ever planned for. Never saw. Despite many conversations and I am a health care professional. Dad was my rock. He handled everything. Until the stroke and he couldn’t. I took over when he couldn’t. Thank you to everyone for the genuine support.
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The intestines need exercise in order to work well. A lack of movement and exercise harms everything from bones to bowels. The bloat is almost certainly some result of sluggish intestinal motility.

You are, yes, looking at the beginning of the end. At this age my own Dad told me that as good a life as he had had, as much joy of it he had experienced, it finally came down to utter exhaustion and a long for what he called the "last long nap". He was so ready to go. Didn't mean he didn't still love his dish of ice cream. Just meant he was so over it.

It's wonderful your mom so loves her caregiver. That will ease her last days. But it is time now, while you are there, to get together with her to do a last advance directive and to arrange with doc to get a POLST posted in the home so that no one transports her to ER, or does CPR on her fragile body. Discuss hospice care which would be a wonderful help to her caregiver, and a good support.
Best of luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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swmckeown76 May 10, 2025
Only get a POLST that declines treatment if she can indicate that she wants that. Otherwise, you decide on what you think she would want. Don't decide her life is no longer worth living unless you really think she would believe this.
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In general, sleeping more and more can be a sign that she is slowly exiting. Or, it can be a sympom of depression, which often comes with dementia. She is still eating and not losing weight (which was the sign that my MIL was close to death) so it's difficult to say.

Is she on any meds for her mood? If not, I would talk to her doctor about this possibility.

Regarding her stomach issues... what kind of testing has been done that the conclusion is "nothing untoward has been found"? Found by a doctor? Is she constipated?

Her only real needs are peace and comfort. So, pain management and allowing her to sleep as much as she wants. How many hours a day is she now sleeping?

You may want to consider talking to her doctor about getting assessed for hospice care. Hospice is covered by Medicare and she can get it in a facility so that you don't have to orbit around her. Or, get her assessed for LTC by her doctor. This can be covered by Medicaid plus her SS income if she applies and qualifies.

Our sweet tastebuds are the last ones that are functioning in our old age. It's the flavor that seniors can still taste. All the other taste buds no longer sense like they used to.
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