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When I went to a general grief support group, one of the members during break told me "you expect to bury your parents, but NOT your child, now THAT'S grief." How do I get past my anger toward this woman & know it's perfectly OK to grive for my beloved parents? I'm very close w/both & I know I will be totally devastated when mom passes. I told a close friends this & all she said was TWO words, "I know." NOTHING else, not God will help you through it AND she belives in God!!!After she said that I felt a great sense of relief knowing it's OK to be devastated. But how do I get past my anger for that woman? Thanks.

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I have buried both my mother and my child when he was 25. There is No comparison. Unless you go thru both you really have no idea of the total grief and devastation you feel when your child has died. While what she said may have offended you I wonder why you did not show any compassion towards her since she had obviously lost her child. It also may have been her way of opening up to you and letting you know she had lost a child. Everyone does not share information the same way. If you just walked away I imagine that she may feel that you could care less about her loss. She may be on her writing about you. People react differently while grieving. It sounds like you have wonderful parents and are very close to them. I know that your dad has passed. Spend what time you have with your mother making memories with her so that you always have them to remember after she's joined your dad. You may never forget what this woman said but also remember that her child has also died. She may not know that what she said offended you so much.
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This is going to be a suggestion that you may not agree with or be willing to do....but if it were me, I would go up to this lady and hug her, and say' I am so sorry for your loss." and walk away..... the thing here is, she is hurting too, and possibly has no one in her life to lean on... I am not saying it's ok what she said, what I am saying is, we are all at a time in our lives where it is about helping each other, the best we can....

I suggest that you go back to this group and see the pain and emptiness that others are feeling... there will be others that you will connect with... it's a simple act of empathy to let the other lady know you 'heard' her.... you don't have to like her, you don't even have to forgive her, but that just adds to your own pain.... I pray that you find a solution that works for you....people say hurtful things when they are hurting... it's just life...what we do with that speaks about us, not them.... sending you lots of hugs...
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Krusso - I just had an idea that MIGHT help you forget. First of all, I want to say that you are entitled to mourn your parents as much as you need to. That woman was WRONG! to say what she said. But here's my idea.

Can you picture that woman saying the exact same thing to you, but with tears streaming down her face, possibly even holding the body of a dead child? Then her words would not mean "Your grief is small." They would mean "My grief is so enormous that it fills the entire world. My grief is so large that no one else even exists. My grief is killing me." I think if you see that, you might be able to forget your wounds, which are real, and forget how her words hurt you, and open your heart to have compassion for her. She is wounded, and like a wounded animal, she is dangerous to be around because her pain causes her to strike out. What she said has no reflection on you.

If this idea doesn't help, please ignore it. I still haven't forgotten or forgiven a stranger who went on and on about how inappropriate my husband's behavior had been AFTER I told her he had memory problems. His "inappropriate behavior" was taking the conversation in a different direction! So if you want to, just punch the b***h in the face. lol.
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I was going to stay away from this post, but today would have been my son's 40th birthday. He was murdered at 20. I have experienced BOTH and there is NO comparison. Forgive the woman. She may have been a little rude, but, imo, the suffering of losing your child is a million times worse than any other pain imaginable. It's been 20 years now and feels like it happened yesterday.
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were about to bury my mother and there is grief and loss mixed with relief for her. the ladys words may have not came out well or may not have sat well with you but if she lost a child shes probably more broken than bent. i agree with her statement..
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BoniChak - I didn't misinterpret your post. OF COURSE it is worse to lose a child than a parent. OF COURSE. NO CONTEST.

But there doesn't have to be a contest! Krusso, I can personally clearly imagine what it was like to have someone tell you that you have no right to grieve, how painful and insulting and blaming that was. That is NOT what anyone here is saying.

It is worse to lose a leg than a foot, but they are both terrible and cause suffering and sadness and a big change in your life. It is not minimizing your right to grieve to say which is worse, because what has happened to you, or will happen to you is the worst thing that has ever happened to YOU. You can have a little grief or a lot of grief or no grief at all, and no one should tell you different.

Krusso, You were hurt and angry with good reason. But to tell a mother whose son was MURDERED that she is minimizing your grief is lacking in compassion and any sort of perspective. Get over yourself. NOT over your grief, but get over having rules about how people are supposed to treat you.

You do have a chip on your shoulder, or thin skin or something. Again, I'm not talking about your grief, but about what you will allow others to say to you. No one gets to control what other people say to them. You can say what you like to BoniChak. I also get to say to you that I think you are being unkind to someone who was NOT being unkind to you. Please relax and let us continue to support you in your grief. You do not get less sympathy from us because it's ONLY your parents who are dying.
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Krusso .. true that the facility can't control others' comments, and yet it would behoove the program to have some opening comments, groundrules .. *something* that promotes a gentle spirit about pain.

As to forgetting what someone else told you. WE are responsible for our reactions. I don't mean to imply it's easy, but we have to take at least that much control over the situation. Let's pretend for a moment that the woman said what she said, so that someone else might feel a touch of her pain, that she's hoping by saying things like that it might ease her own. She's in such a state that she can't realize it's futile. Let's pretend she meant to be mean. So what? Literally.

What others do and say is not about you, as much as it is about them.

What finally works for me to get past what I consider to be other people's rudeness, meanness, spitefulness is to realize: it's not about me .. it's about them. Their pain. I work to try to comprehend from their perspective. I don't always succeed, but I try hard to turn my anger into understanding and compassion. Not for their sake: for mine. I'd rather feel love and healing, than bitterness and pain. And I get to choose, believe it or not.

Many years ago, I was sitting in my garden, grieving deeply the loss of the love of my life, tears streaming, the wail of grief cutting off my breath, so that I was hiccupping and rocking myself uncontrollably. I was utterly alone. And a soft, still voice whispered in my head, "Are you done yet?" The rest of the 'conversation' (there weren't any other answers but my own, so it was a one-sided affair), went along these lines: Huh? Well, yeah, I hate feeling this way. So Stop. What? How can I just stop? I could visualize myself drawing a line in the sand. Step over that line and be done. How could it be that easy? Try it and see. I took a deep breath and stepped. I chose to be finished with the anger and the pain. And .. it was that easy.

As I said, it's been many years since that "lesson" .. and I've had to relearn it time and again. And it's always true. I am my own best enemy and my own best friend. I cherish what I have around me, and further choose to walk away from what does not give me joy or strength. I've walked away from strangers who labeled themselves friends and family.

We may not think we have choices, but every movement we make is a decision. A Choice. I like to call them ChoicePoint moments .. to help remind me that it IS a choice. Some times are harder than others .. because something in me wants to cling to something about that pain: the memory, my own self-righteousness, my own need to be right (oh, don't get me started on that one), the indignation, the shame. And, when I finally do move on .. call it forgiveness, call it willful choice, call it whatever you want .. when I move on, I realize how much power and grief and pain I allowed something/something outside of me to effect me, and how much time and energy I could have been giving something else. And then I choose something else. I just do.

==
ok, that was really much more long-winded and more preachy than I usually like to be. But .. it's written .. and I've never shared that "are you done yet" story with anyone, anywhere. Guess I just need to say it .. whether it means anything to anyone else .. is anyone's else's best guess. Hope it's somehow helpful.

Blessings .. Love, Laugh, Learn,
LadeeC
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Read my answer again....and don't EVER tell me what I can or can not say. Try to get out of yourself enough to actually UNDERSTAND it. Obviously, you didn't. Now I'm thinking maybe you were treated rudely due to YOUR attitude. I know I shouldn't assume.....but....whatever. You do know what "whatever" means....right?
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Oh, my goodness. Poor krusso is SUFFERING...sharing her feelings, trying to pull herself out of are negative place, going to a support group and not feeling supported, even feeling put down for her feelings.

Then she comes here, supposing to be a safe place of support, which has been helpful before, and the posts are beginning to help pull her through by soothing and understanding. Then Heidi writes something that totally resonates with krusso and you can tell it's beginning to make her feel better.

Then all of a sudden BonChak chines in, even though she starts out by saying she was going to stay away from this post, but doesn't, and spins the entire conversation right back to where krusso was coming from in the first place.

Now two members are warring amongst themselves DON'T tell me what to do! Well then, Don't Tell ME what to do! OMG... I'm trying to imagine why BonChak had needed that particular time to chime in without realizing she was pulling the conversation back in the wrong direction. But I can only infer that THAT is HER perspective. It was just ill timed to share it at that moment.

Everything, every single thing, in life is relative and it's all about perspective. I can share my own story of loss right now because it's pertinent, and hope I won't be judged because it's not a parent or child, it's about a dog. But the analogy is similar, and it's about insensitive comments. I'm single, never been married, had my own business, have taken care of 4 close relatives with dementia, without the help of my family, but my avocation was Animal Rescue. I placed most of the animals I rescued but did keep several and it would be fair to say that I had more animals than most people would prefer. One old red dog, toothless, arthritic and partially blind I rescued from the busy street in front of my business one day. I had him for three years before he passed. There was a girlfriend of mine whom I had known since we were 11 years old. She I loved her ONE dog very much and never judged me for my Menagerie. But when I was upset and told her Red had died, she rather flippantly and cavalierly said that at least it wasn't one of my "regular" animals. Can I even explain to you how that comment took me aback? What is that supposed to mean I asked her. Well, you didn't have him since he was a puppy or anything. I kept confronting her and her answers got more and more lame. She had a very sick mom, an autistic child, an agoraphobic husband as well as a disabled large dog. I had never been anything other than helpful and supportive of her and her family needs. And biw she couldn't see that I could love this old dog the same as my other dogs and cats I may have had all their lives. We didn't keep bringing this up but we never really came to an agreement on the philosophy of this. Little my little our friendship of 50 years eroded and it is today non existent.

Now, some of you might say, OMG, just over a DOG? But, no, over feeling hurt an unsupported. Not the dog, my emotions. Things affect you very powerfully when your emotions are raw and out there on your sleeve.

So, I think what krusso was trying to address in the beginning what's her pain. And the woman in the support group also having pain, was saying, My pain's bigger than your pain. Then BC chimed in to enforce that idea. I'm here to tell you, as Heidi said, this isn't a peeing contest for who hurts more than anybody else. This is a Support Forum - offer positive advice but please don't interject your own story as a way to quantify someone else's experience, particularly as a way of putting it benearh your own!
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Carol you must have misinterpreted my post as well. Oh well, your loss. I was sharing my opinions, just like everyone else was. That was in NO WAY diminishing anyone elses feelings. I was also giving advice. The question was how to handle anger. My answer was forgive. The original poster was rude to others that were expressing their opinions as well. I thought the fact that the professionals did not acknowledge her complaints as much as she would have liked, was very telling as well. I think a persons attitude gets them what it gets them. Sour begets sour, compassion begets compassion.......think about it, before you attack me for MY feelings and opinions and answers to questions asked. Maybe you should re-read too.
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