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My 81 year old mom, just moved in with me and my 20 yr old son. The townhome she had lived in for almost 30 years sold, she moved to a new town she isn't familiar with and still drives to her old neighborhood many times a week for church.


It has been quite a struggle. She seems angry and upset all. the. time.


My mom tends to get upset about little things. I have been told that we don't do laundry correctly, that we use her pots and pans wrong (we stopped using them and I packed them away), the list goes on. She got upset that my son was making his lunch for work and using two pots. He had told her that he was going to make his lunch and she decided at that moment - to put dishes in the dishwasher. Then she got mad when he started cooking and walked out of the kitchen. She will go sit in her bedroom when she is mad, but will not talk.


When we ask if there is something wrong, we get a sharp "No." or "Nothing". But her face gives it away that there is something definitely wrong. But she shuts down and won't talk.


It doesn't help we have two dogs -one on the older side and the other is a 5 month old puppy (belongs to my son). The puppy is excitable and tends to jump (he's in training). She gets mad when either barks.


My sister and I have tried to get her involved in activities in the new area for her and she wants nothing to do with it. So she sits and watches tv all the time.


I'm beside myself. What do I do? How do I get passed this? Its only been 3 months -do we find her own place as she may be feeling like she is losing independence?

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Yes. She needs space and time to adjust to her loss of her old life. If you can find an IL home that has an ALF etc to progress to as she ages that might be a plus. A few years from now after your son is launched, you may decide to try it again or not.
As to the silent treatment, I would not play into that. You are all under a lot of stress.
i just wanted to add that the dogs are also a huge stressor if you are not a dog person.
When Mom is being quiet she may be realizing that she’s going to say something critical and chooses not to do that. She’s not used to doing things a different way. It doesn’t hurt us to learn different ways but this is a lot all at once. There is no way to prepare for what you don’t know is going to happen in detail. Like when GS makes lunch, stay out of the kitchen. These are just organizational things that roomies have to work out. A chat at the kitchen table on Sunday evenings might be a good idea. What’s working. What’s not working. An opportunity for each person to be heard. A willingness to try to respect boundaries. An opportunity to validate others feelings. You all matter.
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mally1 Jan 2020
Thank you! We have a very young, married, couple living with us the last 5 months, and lately it's been rocky. She does the thing you said; face closes up and she goes downstairs and refuses to come back up or talk. She told me she's not sulking, only trying not to say anything bad, but this week I didn't see her face for 44 hours! They both come from awfully disfunctional backgrounds, so I get that this may not work much longer, but I'll try again to do as you suggested to the OP and offer a weekly meeting, before this all falls apart (and my marriage, too!).
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Yes, find her own place in Assisted Living. I myself don't have advice on how to do that, but many, many people on here do.

It's been 3 months and it's obvious the arrangement is not working out.

First: Don't blame yourself! It sounds like you've done all you know to do to make her happy. She is bound and determined to be miserable, and nothing you can do will fix that.

Has she always been passive-aggressive like this? I know her generation was raised with the "we don't talk about our problems" or a "suck it up" mentality. Many people like this never learned how to share how they feel. Maybe she learned to cope with everything by shutting down.
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She might be doing her own version of "raging against the dying of the light." What I mean is: she didn't want to have to move in the first place, but she accepted the need to do something about how best to carry on, but that doesn't mean she has to *like* it, and so she's internally angry about small irritations that "prove" that everything is going to the dogs, nothing will ever be the same again, and it's all dreadful. 😡

Not a happy bunny, that is.

Not your fault. Not anything either you or your son is doing wrong - which she herself knows, that's why she says "Nothing!" (angrily!) when you ask her what the matter is. She's just sore and cross about everything and expresses it through whatever is nearest.

You and son can forbear, and be patient, and do a bit of subtle love-bombing but mostly let her be; and then see where you are in the spring when the days are a bit longer and she's had a bit more time to adjust.

But even if you do feel you can manage that, perhaps giving yourselves a private deadline for when you're going to check next, it would be no bad thing to do a little research into possible alternatives for her. It could be that the right community or ILF might be a much better fit - no harm in finding out what's around.
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Living in a house with rowdy pets would make me uncomfortable. Hopefully, the puppy will settle down. Lots of barking could annoy her. Plenty of seniors that I know really do get agitated by loud noises. And, I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to sit and relax most of the day, if they are in their 80's. Is there someway that she can have some place in the house for her own privacy, like a den, office, area in her own room that has a chair, tv, little cart she can have her snacks, etc. Being able to get to a quiet spot is nice. Also, some people don't like activities. My dad is a very active senior and it likes to socialize, but, going to specific meetings, activities, functions is not something he enjoys anymore.

I might really watch your mom to see how she's functioning. If she's really capable, she could get her own place, in an IL or AL, to see how she likes that. Maybe, test it out for a weekend. Maybe, she misses her independence.

I'd also keep in mind that dementia can begin with people just being cross, unhappy, unmotivated, etc. I noticed that before the memory problems with my LO. She would snap at you over nothing. Often had a bad attitude. And, didn't do much of anything.......fast forward and it was dementia in the early stages. I'd just consider that as a possibility.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2019
Hmmmm.....maybe my mother's had dementia since she was 30! That would explain an awful LOT of unhappiness, snappy dialogue, bad attitudes and filthy moods in general!!!🤣
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The situation is not working out for either of you, as evidenced by mother's passive/aggressive silent treatment behavior.....she's unhappy and so are you. Multi generational living rarely works out. On paper it's fine, while in reality it's something else entirely. My grandmother lived with us growing up and it was HORRENDOUS. My mother thought she was Doing The Right Thing and wound up wrecking ALL of our lives in the process. My mother didn't even attend her funeral when she finally passed at 91.

Save your relationship now by living separately. Find a nice Assisted Living place for mother, or Independent Living with a continuum of care feature, if possible, so she can move along as needed. Go back to being the daughter who visits weekly instead of the roommate who does everything wrong.

Good luck!
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mally1 Jan 2020
"Multi generational living rarely works out" - you got that right! It was horrible with my mom for 3 years, and it's not great with our VERY young housemates. I'm about to go back to caring for the horses, dog, cats, hauling water, and wood, and making the fires in the woodstove myself! Maybe they feel the same?
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My mom is 80. I have had a hard time getting her to slow down. At this point the pressure from too much walking as well as sitting long hours with her legs hanging down causes a loss of circulation in her legs and feet as well. She wants to wear shoes that hurt her feet but refuses to wear the boot from the hospital when we leave the house because she says it makes her look too old. Her leg and foot has been losing color and constantly breaks out then heals only a few days only to get sores again. It has been bandaged over and over. Her skin now is like onion skin paper. I love her and don’t want her to lose her leg but according to the vein condition all the symptoms she has experienced except amputation. Telling her she needs to remain in bed is like CHASTISEMENT even though it’s needed. She cries that her legs feel like it frozen and sometimes tingling or the pain is so severe that NO PAIN MEDICATION stops the pain. I have a sister who does help also but her take on it often is AS LONG AS MOM IS HAPPY DOING WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO. This means staying in the mall or eating out constantly. Then there is the complaint of her weight. However, when encouragement to eat more vegetables is made there is opposition. Weight gain contributes to the leg pressure. After she is in excruciating pain with her legs open wounded and now on antibiotics plus after screaming for days from pain we get her home trying to follow the doctors advice to ONLY GET UP FOR BATHROOM OR EMERGENCIES. This is after her leg had to be wrapped up for the ?????? time. It’s in a soft cast now. She is to keep her feet elevated. So when I let my sister know, she asked HOW LONG DOES MOM HAVE TO STAY RESTED IN BED? I really wanted to snap back and say, “well less time then if her leg is amputated “ I REALLY FEEL FRUSTRATED AT THIS. OH NO, MOM CANT GO TO THE MALL. OH NO,MOM CANT EAT ALL THE FOODS AND COOKIES OR PIES SHE WANTS. Apparently I’m a bad guy trying to FORCE her to avoid things or do less of things that are harming her, BECAUSE MOM WANTS TO DO THEM AND IT MAKES MOM
HAPPY. Don’t get me wrong my sister has contributed much time to mom taking her places and helping out greatly financially. Saying no to mom sometimes is what I feel will help save her life. My mom calls my sister on me when I tell her something she doesn’t want to hear or doesn’t want to do. Then I get a phone call. STOP STRESSING MOM OUT. My mom often won’t tell her sisters or my sisters the real critical conditions. However, her body shows obvious signs of really bad situations. Either someone doesn’t believe how close she can be to amputation or is denial. Either way her leg is dying and I can only enforce so much. I need full support to back me up. I’m truly exhausted and have to back off for my own sanity. At that age Im told brain cells are leaving and you cannot change them. You can just do what you can. It will be okay somehow. Do what you can to preserve you and your immediate family. Mom is going to be mom.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2020
So, because your mother has refused to take care of herself & follow any rules, she's now in this horrible position, dragging YOU down with her. And in even worse shape because your sister will allow her to do whatever she wants to do, making her condition even MORE serious. If it were me, I'd do either of two things: drop your mother off at your sister's house or get her into Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing immediately.

My uncle did the same thing to my aunt............ignored his diabetes and turned it into HER problem, living on his recliner & refusing to even get up to use the bathroom. She enabled him, naturally, feeding him to his heart's content *because he'd get MAD if she didn't* and yada yada. He wound up dying of cirrhosis of the liver as a result, but ruined her life for the past 20 years. She's now too old to enjoy what's left of HER life, due to his selfish behavior & her enabling it. She now says she 'should have' placed him in Skilled Nursing 'long ago'. Take a lesson from that story, my friend, before it's too late.
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Please consider what others said about AL .
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I believe that she will be better served to move into IL or AL, she will be surrounded by people her own age, they have things in common, no conflicting era's trying to interact. She will have activities and more.

Don't short change her or you...or you son...it is time to make the right decision for all involved.
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What precipitated selling her condo and moving in with you? I mean what initiated the move and how was the decision made that she would live with you, was she part of that decision and had she had much exposure to the dogs prior, was the plan for this to be a permanent move or are there plans for the future beyond your house? Does she have particular medical issues than prevent her from living on her own, going to IL?

Does she have household responsibilities, is she expected to contribute and does she do that or in an effort to take care of her and make her old age easier do you and your son take care of everything?
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slc823 Jan 2020
The Townhome she was living in was too much for her. It needed a lot of repairs. Stairs were getting harder and harder for her to climb (that is where her bedroom and bathroom where on the 2nd floor), she lived alone. I was 45 minutes away from her and my sister 3 hours away.
Since my mom is getting older, living alone was making my sister and I worry more. All the what ifs came into play - what if she fell, what if she got sick. There were more concerns of her living alone at 81. She was also lonely.

So when I bought my house in 2018, it happens to be a rambler where everything is on one level for her, my sister, my mom and i sat down and talked it out and it made sense. Financially - it made sense also. The townhome she lived in raised the HOAs to almost $300 from $150 a month.
We did ask her if she wanted to live in an independent living complex and she quickly said no.
She has requested to pay some of the utilities and does and helps with groceries. But so does my son.
There are some things she does - she will fold laundry. My son and I both take the laundry up and down the steps to wash and dry it. She also loads and unloads the dishwasher.
I have had my dog for 9 years and she has actually watched for a weekend or a week when I had mission trips to go on. the younger dog is my son's dog that he got over the summer (before she moved in). so she was used to both dogs.
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Oh my gosh, you described my mom exactly. It’s terribly frustrating, isn’t it? I dealt with it for 15 years in my home. Nit picking galore! Cold shoulder rather than responding to questions. Very passive aggressive behavior.

She is now at my brother’s house because she pitted me against siblings and due to her chronic criticism and theirs I finally had enough and said well, if I am doing everything so wrong go live somewhere else, like your son’s house. My brother didn’t help but is a know it all!

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I no longer have a relationship with my family. Do I miss them? I miss having a family but not the agony.

I don’t want to discourage you but it usually doesn’t improve. End the agony. Make other living arrangements for your mom. I waited much too long before I put a stop to it. I hit my threshold of pain and hit my breaking point.

I am relieved and moving forward with resuming my life.
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find her, her own place
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I am sincerely curious; Was she a bundle of joy before she moved in? Or are all of her usually negative qualities just magnified in this living situation?

Why did she opt to move in with you?
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slc823 Jan 2020
The Townhome she was living in was too much for her. It needed a lot of repairs. Stairs were getting harder and harder for her to climb (that is where her bedroom and bathroom where on the 2nd floor), she lived alone. I was 45 minutes away from her and my sister 3 hours away.
Since my mom is getting older, living alone was making my sister and I worry more. All the what ifs came into play - what if she fell, what if she got sick. There were more concerns of her living alone at 81.

So when I bought my house in 2018, it happens to be a rambler where everything is on one level for her, my sister, my mom and i sat down and talked it out and it made sense.
We did ask her if she wanted to live in an independent living complex and she quickly said no.
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Everyone has been giving you good advice about how to handle your situation.

I can understand how frustrating it is to have someone try to micromanage you. My family has a saying to humorously tell the offender to back down..."Can I have my shirt back, please?" I'm not sure how it started but it does help remind us that we can take care of ourselves even if it's in a different way.

Perhaps, you can find a way to diffuse her intrusions until she is out of your house?
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