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Trying to get her stabilized for 8 days now, I am by her side all day every day. On vent and dialysis. She’s my best friend and the only one I could ever depend on for help, compassion and safety. She never did any preplanning and I’m terrified that I will soon be alone and homeless if she dies without a will.

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Listen, some things things happen that aren't your fault; that are out of your control entirely, and nothing you 'could have' done would have prevented this outcome with your mother. SHE was the one who should have told her doctor the truth, or gone to the ER sooner, since she'd already had experience with pancreatitis and knew the seriousness of the potential health crisis she was facing. So, don't blame yourself here, first of all. You did nothing wrong.

Crying and sobbing uncontrollably means YOU are losing control of yourself and considering your mother dead & buried before she actually IS! Pull yourself together because you need to be strong now. See if you can get an RX for a small dose of Xanax to help calm you down. Sometimes, when emotions run away with us, the BODY needs to calm down and THEN the mind comes along for the ride, do you know what I mean? You're upset, and rightly so, but realize that your mother is in good hands where she's at, and the doctors will likely stabilize her and she'll heal from this incident. One day at a time is the approach to take.........sometimes it's one minute at a time. But do NOT count her out yet, okay? She's relatively young at 73 and has a good chance of being alright. That's the message to keep repeating to yourself.

Don't worry about where you will live; the others have given you good advice about that aspect of things.

What I don't like is your boyfriend's attitude here. When you need him most, he is acting annoyed with you, as if you're doing something wrong?? Come on.......this is his chance to STEP UP and if he can't do that, he needs to step AWAY and you need to kick his arse to the curb. The last thing you need is more stress from an immature b/f who doesn't know how to provide comfort and care to his g/f who needs him right now. Or how to put his own needs aside to look after you. Even if he feels like you're 'overreacting' or whatever........he STILL needs to provide you with support right now. Tell him, if you can't do that buster, then VAMOOSE.

Please take care of YOU right now and don't forget those words. Eat, sleep, bathe......do all the things you need to do to function. Ask the doctor for something to help you relax, and then try praying and/or meditating to regain your center. Think positive thoughts and, like Momshelp said, remember to breathe.

Please keep us updated b/c we really DO care! Hugs and prayers sent your way, dear woman.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 11, 2020
I know that these doctors and nurses are doing their best and I am grateful for all they are doing to help my mom, I try to keep remindIng myself of all of their compassion and skill. I will do my best to focus on her healing and less on the “what if’s” that are torturing me.
I will do my best to follow your advice, put aside my fears and try to be more moment to moment.
Im pretty shocked and deeply hurt at my BFs reactions. I know that he is upset and depressed about our moving plans being blown out of the water by this, but this is my MOM, this is my mom’s life and my life. I just feel so afraid and isolated. I was collapsed on the floor in the grip of panic and despair and to have him react angrily and heap shame on me for one instance of housework oversight I couldn’t even process it.

Thank you again for your advice, I’m so very grateful that I took a chance on this website and that everyone here has come to help me. Thank you for listening to a stranger cry out for support and responding so kindly.
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Does anyone else find it comforting to be in community with so many caring people?
BarelyAdult will not know how many caregivers have stopped by to check on her, only visible in the background by a click on
"helpful answer" or "like this".
A very unique and supportive way to communicate without words.

Bless you this day BarelyAdult, and everyone here.

I do not know where you are located Barely, but from N.Y. to L.A., to Italy, people are here for you as you travel this difficult road, not alone anymore. 💐🌸🌷🌹🌺
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 14, 2020
Thank you....and you are so right. Kind People from all over the world stop by here, and 99% are the most helpful and compassionate people there are....
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Avoid what is called "All or nothing thinking" in cognitive therapy.
It tends to feed your fears and panic.

1) It is no longer true that you will be alone. You have us. You have a boyfriend (who may be very scared, or not even worthy of you.)

2) You have your Mom's house to return to. That can be settled later, but you will not be homeless today, and maybe not tomorrow either.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 11, 2020
Thank you for reminding me about the all or nothing thoughts. It’s not the first time that I’ve been warned against this tendency. Also thank you and everyone else for responding.
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Barely, I'm so sorry this is happening to your mom and to you.

I've been in your exact place 16 years ago when my mom had a brain hemorrhage out of the blue, I know that panic. I felt so lost that I wouldn't even think to write in a forum like this, or have half of your lucidity. My mom has been in a coma for 3 months, every 2 hours there was a new emergency, or at least it felt like that. It was almost impossible to bear. Almost. Because I'm here today, and my mom is too. 16 years later.

Be strong, as you are proving to be, for her and for yourself. Hold her hand, even if she's uncoscious. Talk to her with the CERTAINTY that she can hear you, because she can. Not with her ears, she will listen to you through her hand, and through her soul. When she came out of her coma, my mom told me she could hear me.

Nothing is impossible in this life. Your mom is still young. Think that she will make it.

I hug you, very tight.
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Barely, please know we are all sorry for your update. You say you cannot survive without her. You are 44, and you will survive. You will be scared, and you will have a learning curve, but you will also find your Mom never really leaves you. And you will learn. KNOW that we are ALL afraid. Always. Those people you see doing their job who seem so competent. They DO know fear all the time when they face something new. You are thinking of having to do it all at once. You won't have to. You do it day to day. You accept you will be anxious and afraid. And when you accomplish one thing you will go on to the next. We are ALL afraid. But at the end of some days we can tell ourselves "You DID it". And you will have that, as well, to slowly build your self esteem at your own adulthood. BarelyAdult, we are ALL barely Adult. I am 78 and I sure am. Our thoughts are with you.
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Arwen31 Oct 15, 2020
Thank you for this post, and for all of your posts. I will save this. It is so true.
Thank you for writing here, thank you for being around.
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Dear "BarelyAdult76,"

Just letting you know you have not been forgotten especially as the holidays quickly approach and how hard it is to go through them after losing a loved one.

I hope you are finding more strength and courage to face the day and the future as well. Maybe as more time wears on, you will be able to tell your friends that have offered you help that you will be able to tell them what your needs are even if it's just one thing to start with.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

(((hugs)))
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BA, thinking of you and mom.

1. Have you been in touch with her PCP to ask if there was anything else going on that s/he might like to add in terms of history for her current docs?

2. Tell the nurse in charge of the ICU that you would like to meet with the hospitalist tomorrow and need to have the Chaplain and/or SW present.

You want to ask the hospitalist to explain to you in plain English what mom's prognosis is. And what s/he woukd do if this was THEIR parent.

(I once took my mom to a wonderful Gastroenterologist who explained what he proposed to do. I said "would you allow your 93 year old mother with dementia to undergo that procedure?". He said "H*ll no!".

((((Hugs)))))
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 13, 2020
Thank you, I met with the social worker yesterday. They are doing all they can for her, throwing everything at the problems, but she is so weak now. They are telling me that it’s not good and to be prepared to have her die. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t survive this world without her
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I am so sorry that your mom is struggling for her life. Great big warm hug!

You will be her next of kin and with no other family everything will go to you.

Ask to see a social worker at the hospital. They can probably direct you to the proper authorities to help you understand what happens if she loses her battle.

May God heal her body and give you comfort and strength during this difficult time.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 11, 2020
Thank you for reaching out. I will do my best to contact the hospital social worker on Monday. I spoke with her briefly a few days ago, but I was too much of a wreck to do anything but sob. I’ll try to think of more concrete things to ask for her guidance on. It’s so difficult to stop panicking and think clearly. My heart is being torn apart. Thank you for your suggestion.
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Barely, I'm thinking of you, so much.

My mom had sepsis too, right after coming out of her 3 months coma, she almost died. An angel doctor saved her.
I remember the doctor saying that she found her completely de-hydrated due to nurses not checking the IV often enough and missing the vein. She saved her with lots of hydration and a cardiac catheterization. I remember I've been on the verge of deciding for DNR but the doctor, who knew my mom, told me "Your mom would have like to fight, til the end" so I signed for the catheterization, feeling terible because she had already been through so much. Still, the doctor was right. It saved her.

I'm not a doctor, and this is such a difficult decision that I don't want to intrude, only you can know the answer. But I will tell you the same thing the doctor told me, in the form of a question. Any answer will be the right one.

Do you think your mom would have chosen to fight til the end or, knowing her, do you think she woudl have preferred to be with you in another form and let go of the physical plane?

I'm praying for you both, and hug you, very tight.
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NobodyGetsIt Oct 14, 2020
Dear "Arwen31,"

You were certainly fortunate to have had an "angel" of a doctor looking after your mom and discovering the deficiencies due to improper nursing care.

You and your mom certainly went through a terrible and at least a somewhat unnecessary ordeal but, I'm glad things turned out well with the doctor saving her life.

I agree, some people are fighters and would want to see it to the end while others would not and just let go. My mom is the fighter; my dad was not.

God bless you for all you went through having to make such tough decisions on her behalf at such a young age.

A big hug to you my dear as well as for "BarelyAdult76."
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If you are totally alone then is it right to assume that you have no siblings and your mom is not married herself? If this is so, then there does not need to be a will because you are her closest next of kin and all of her property and assets will pass to you. I will pray for you and your mom that she will recover. Then the two of you have to visit a lawyer and she has to make out a will and start transferring assets into your name. It would be wise for her to put her home into a survivorship deed to you. That way ownership of the property passes directly to you upon her death and will not have to be probated. Should your mom (God forbid) pass away then you will have to visit your local probate court. They will help you about what your rights are and about how to deal with her property. I don't know what your personal financial or employment situation is because you mention possibly becoming homeless if your mom passes. Maybe ask to talk to one of the social workers at the hospital about your situation. They will very likely help you get some services that will prevent you becoming homeless. Please speak to one.
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