Mom is in ICU on life support. I’m terrified, alone and have no one to turn to. I’m afraid that she will die with no will. Help me please.

Dear Barely,
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this most difficult time. Wishing you peace and strength. Keep those special memories of your dear mother close to your heart. Hugs to you.

So sorry for your loss.

You need to connect with a certified elder law attorney ASAP. They will help. If you have no idea of where to turn, that organization, if you google it you should find it, probably has a directory of members. Or contact the social service dept in the hospital....

Barely, hang in there. It does get better you know. Take it from one who has been where you are. I thought I'd never survive but here I am five and a half years since my beloved mom's death. I still miss her every day but now I can remember the happy times with her instead of constantly reliving her last moments. Your mom would want that for you too.

Be patient with yourself. It will get better! Believe.

Just checking in, thank you all for listening and for your messages of support and empathy. Trying to tackle everything a little each day. Canceling the cable, canceling the credit card, finding a lawyer to work on the estate issues, canceling this subscription or that service. I’m so tired of crying on the phone to strangers when I have to tell them that she is dead. It hurts to have to say those words, it makes it real and I break down. I have always struggled with depression, general anxiety and racing/obsessive thoughts and my mind is just torturing me constantly. I just keep reliving the time in the hospital. The breathing machine noises, the clicking of the dialysis machine, the BP alarms, the feeling of how I held her hand on my head and sobbed as she died. How she was so cognitively fine until I took her to the hospital. How she walked down the stairs unassisted to the ambulance that I called. How she joked to me as she left for the hospital “ I love you, but I hate you(for making me go to the hospital)” how she said “thank you for saving my life” to me the first night when we were sitting in the ICU, but 11 days later she was dead. How she tried to reassure me the first night by saying “when your father went into the hospital it was about three days so I should be out by Monday” and when I said “mom I’m so scared she jokingly replied ‘you’re scared!? How do you think I feel?” I can’t get a moment of peace from it all. I never thought I could ever hurt so badly. Nothing helps. All these constant tortuous thoughts. I just want it all to be over.

Barely,
Hoping you are safe, and will not be losing your home.
Sorry you must be missing your Mom terribly and it has only been 30 days.
There is no time limit to grieving, to missing someone.
If there were any way that we could take your pain away, or lessen it somehow, we would, you know.

I know you are reading as people reach out to you, and just hope that somehow it makes a difference and you feel a bit less alone and supported.

Just stopped by, late tonight, for a quick hello.

Take care of yourself, even though it is hard. 🧸️

Barely, I don't know if you are still reading here, please know that we are still thinking of you. I understand what you are saying about not knowing what to ask to your friends who want to help, when I experience pain I tend to withdraw from my friends too; pain makes everything look pointless, including sharing. Such a hard state to be in. I can totally relate.

For me, writing here has been incredibly healing. It's hard to start, but once I start, thoughts and feelings I didn't know I had come out spontaneously and eventually, I understand where I am, who I am, much more. And the support of this special group of people has been just incredible, nothing that I've found elsewhere.

This note is just to tell you: we haven't forgotten you, you are still in our hearts. Whatever comes to your mind and want to write, we will be here.

A warm, warm hug to you
x Arwen

Dear "BarelyAdult76,"

Just letting you know you have not been forgotten especially as the holidays quickly approach and how hard it is to go through them after losing a loved one.

I hope you are finding more strength and courage to face the day and the future as well. Maybe as more time wears on, you will be able to tell your friends that have offered you help that you will be able to tell them what your needs are even if it's just one thing to start with.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

(((hugs)))

Barely Adult, I scrolled down and saw your note to us. We are thinking of you still. You touched so many of us.
Please, I know you are mourning, and for each of us that takes what time it takes to walk through, but understand your Mom would want you to celebrate as well, her, her life, your love for one another. Try to see the beauty of the world through her eyes. When you are having the toughest times, do what I do after losing my bro in May: write her a note. Write that you miss her. That you are grieving her. I think sometimes we stay in "guilt" because guilt lets us believe it might have been different. Something could "still be done". Truth is that you are in the midst of grief, and the recognition that this cannot be changed, and you must go on. She will always be with you, Barely. Always with you. My parents have been gone many years and I still feel them with me in so many ways, and I am 78. Thoughts and heart out to you. I am glad you have some support of friends. I hope all the end of life issues are getting ironed out day by day one at a time. They TAKE time to do.

Barely,

Just checking in with you again.

There may have been some stable supportive people in your life in the past.
Reach out to people you know at this time.

Do not feel bad if you may need to have someone visit you (social distancing),
sit with you, or just check in with you. Time can be limited to 20 min.-half hour.

Otherwise, make good use of the telephone, calling known support organizations, hotlines, etc. (Not giving too much personally identifying information or financial info).

If you are able to get out and vote, even in your grief, I think that could be the single most important action you could take in rejoining the adult world, feeling that yes, you can now get on with the business of living your separate adult life.

Let us know if that is a possibility for you, and how that goes.

Another support for you might be to attend a local church of your choice.

Keep your focus on today, what you can do for yourself today, if only washing your face or taking a shower.

Try to avoid all or nothing thinking.
And allow some sunshine to come into your bedroom to cheer yourself up.

So very sorry for your loss. There is no way that you could have prevented what happened. Please don’t feel as if you let your mom down. She knew that you loved her.

Sending prayers and hugs your way.

Dear "BarelyAdult76,"

I don't know if you are still on the forum but if you are, I just want you to know I'm still thinking and praying for you as you continue grieving for your mom and best friend. I also hope you understand that you won't get through all this overnight; it takes time and sometimes a great amount of time so I'm hoping you're not too hard on yourself. Try not to suppress your feelings/emotions and let them flow naturally. Learn to become your own best friend - your mom will be with you always just in a different way. Nothing and no one can take away everything you've shared and meant to each other.

Sending you a hug and may God give you a sense of peace not just for today but for always.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4

Please know we are all here for you.

My mom was my friend too. Big hug.

Barely, how are you today? Do you have some friend close?
Thinking of you

Condolences.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Dear "BarelyAdult76,"

Just want you to know I've been thinking about you as you go through your first full day without mom - it's always the most surreal time when losing a loved one.

You're on my heart and mind and I hope you have someone to turn to and be with you.

Continued prayers with love for you - please above all else take care of yourself!

So sorry for your loss

I am so sorry for your loss.

🕊

So very sorry for your loss, Barely!

She was your best friend. 🕊🌹🕊

Stay here with us, and caregivers can help you through. Through the grief, and through the tasks needing to be attended to by you now.
Ask us a n y t h i n g !

Dear "BarelyAdult76,"

I am so sorry - my heart is breaking for you right now. I really had prayed for a miracle.

May God comfort you during this most difficult time and I will be praying for you as you begin the journey of grieving. There are no amount of words I can say that will console you as I know how much you feel you can't go on without her.

A big hug to you - please know you can come to the forum whenever you feel scared and alone!

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

(sorry, I forgot to hit the "reply" button)

She’s gone.

If you are totally alone then is it right to assume that you have no siblings and your mom is not married herself? If this is so, then there does not need to be a will because you are her closest next of kin and all of her property and assets will pass to you. I will pray for you and your mom that she will recover. Then the two of you have to visit a lawyer and she has to make out a will and start transferring assets into your name. It would be wise for her to put her home into a survivorship deed to you. That way ownership of the property passes directly to you upon her death and will not have to be probated. Should your mom (God forbid) pass away then you will have to visit your local probate court. They will help you about what your rights are and about how to deal with her property. I don't know what your personal financial or employment situation is because you mention possibly becoming homeless if your mom passes. Maybe ask to talk to one of the social workers at the hospital about your situation. They will very likely help you get some services that will prevent you becoming homeless. Please speak to one.

Does anyone else find it comforting to be in community with so many caring people?
BarelyAdult will not know how many caregivers have stopped by to check on her, only visible in the background by a click on
"helpful answer" or "like this".
A very unique and supportive way to communicate without words.

Bless you this day BarelyAdult, and everyone here.

I do not know where you are located Barely, but from N.Y. to L.A., to Italy, people are here for you as you travel this difficult road, not alone anymore. 💐🌸🌷🌹🌺

Barely, please know we are all sorry for your update. You say you cannot survive without her. You are 44, and you will survive. You will be scared, and you will have a learning curve, but you will also find your Mom never really leaves you. And you will learn. KNOW that we are ALL afraid. Always. Those people you see doing their job who seem so competent. They DO know fear all the time when they face something new. You are thinking of having to do it all at once. You won't have to. You do it day to day. You accept you will be anxious and afraid. And when you accomplish one thing you will go on to the next. We are ALL afraid. But at the end of some days we can tell ourselves "You DID it". And you will have that, as well, to slowly build your self esteem at your own adulthood. BarelyAdult, we are ALL barely Adult. I am 78 and I sure am. Our thoughts are with you.

BarelyAdult76,
The best you can do is what you have been doing all along.
Staying by your Mom's side.
Holding her hand.
And, when you need to go home to take care of yourself, do not feel bad or guilty that this is required for your own life, health, and
safety.
💞🧸️💞

Barely, I'm thinking of you, so much.

My mom had sepsis too, right after coming out of her 3 months coma, she almost died. An angel doctor saved her.
I remember the doctor saying that she found her completely de-hydrated due to nurses not checking the IV often enough and missing the vein. She saved her with lots of hydration and a cardiac catheterization. I remember I've been on the verge of deciding for DNR but the doctor, who knew my mom, told me "Your mom would have like to fight, til the end" so I signed for the catheterization, feeling terible because she had already been through so much. Still, the doctor was right. It saved her.

I'm not a doctor, and this is such a difficult decision that I don't want to intrude, only you can know the answer. But I will tell you the same thing the doctor told me, in the form of a question. Any answer will be the right one.

Do you think your mom would have chosen to fight til the end or, knowing her, do you think she woudl have preferred to be with you in another form and let go of the physical plane?

I'm praying for you both, and hug you, very tight.

Dear "BarelyAdult76,"

I'm heartbroken over the update with your mom's situation - you and your mom are still in my thoughts and prayers as you've now been told to prepare for the worst.