Two years ago, my day had liver and kidney failure suddenly. I was with him for the last 3 days when he came home under hospice and I sat with him for the last 3 hours until his death. At the end I saw his skin mottle and go grey, his breathing speeding up and then he suddenly breathed his last breath. It was a terrible awful 3 days. The last 3 hours were horrible. I can see you all have been through much worse, but it really affected me. After that I felt so detached for a long time. It was like the world was foreign to me...like I wasn't connected to it anymore. It took me a long time to get over this.
Then this past weekend I was visiting my mom (who is 84) who hasn't been doing well. As I was sitting across from her I saw the skin on her left hand suddenly change color in the same way I saw my dad's skin change just before he died. That lasted for awhile and then lightened a bit. I had an immediate panic attack. I had to go into the bathroom and calm myself down. Then when I came home I am experiencing all that detachment and upsetness all over again. I thought I got over this...evidently not.
My aunt is living with me and will probably die here at some point...maybe in front of me.
I am not cut out for all these elderly people dying in front of me thing. I am so stressed out with all this. I am such a wreck since last weekend when I saw that sudden skin mottling in my mom. I know people get old and die but this is too much for me to have them die in front of me over and over.
I can't do this anymore. How do you get over this? Everyday I am waiting for the call from the place where my mom is saying she has died or maybe going downstairs and finding my aunt dead. I feel like my life has turned into death row.