How do you get over the trauma of watching someone when they die?

My mom died 2 weeks ago of a very aggressive and 100% fatal type of cancer. We watched as she slowly gave way to this stupid cancer. She basically died of starvation caused by the cancer, but dying of starvation is pretty gruesome. She went down really fast, which in an of itself was a blessing from God, to take her so she didn't have to suffer anymore. I was with my father-in-law 2 years ago when he basically drowned with all the fluid in his lungs. I sat with my mother-in-law by his bedside listening to what sounded like an old fashioned percolator as he breathed his last. I was grateful that she was there, and though it was awful, she was so grateful that I was with her. I stayed with my grandma in the nursing home when she was dying, and later when she had died and I wasn't aware of it, I went to see her on Christmas night one more time, but her bed was empty cause she was gone. It's what we humans do, watch other humans be born, live and eventually die. It made all the difference in the world knowing that my mom was a born-again Christian and, according to God Himself, she's with Him as I write this. That is where I find the strength to see the people that I love die, knowing that it's only temporary. As awful as it is, I felt privileged to be with my family during these gross, scary times. Getting old stinks though.

Please contact hospice and ask about their grief counseling sessions. You'll be with others who feel the same way, and it can help immensely. You'll also meet people who have found peace in passing on an elder, so the perspective should help. If you don't do that, I'd suggest a private counselor. This is part of life and it's affecting your own quality of life. Please do this for yourself.
Best wishes,
Carol

Hey there Addie,
I was with my mom and dad when they both died and it is a bear.
Personally, because everyone is different, what helped me cope was the fact that it was time for them to go. their poor bodies couldn't take any more and it was time for them to go home.
When my mom died almost a year ago now, I held her hands and looked into her beautiful blue eyes and was telling her to go and find daddy and that he was there waiting for her. It tore my guts out, make no mistake but the reality was that it was time for her to go. She was suffering and then she was free. She actually died with a little smile on her face. I will never forget it.

I agree with you that you can't continue to go through this. Carol has excellent advice in seeking a live support group and are you taking any meds for anxiety? I sure was and still am!! no guilt there! a panic attack is the worst and I was having them left and right and decided that this was no way to live especially since they have a nice med for it and you don't have to take it all the time, just when you need one. xanax works for me and talk to your doctor. If he/she doesn't see it your way, get another doctor. life's too short.

Say what you have to say to your mom, all the things.... you know what I mean, you love her and you wish she would love forever and the 2 of you could go on and on, but that you'll be ok and you will see her again in the blink of an eye.

Now here's a trick that you may be able to use:
EVERY time you have anegative thought and I mean EVERY time, you redirect yourself with a differt positive thought. For me it was a boat. I trained myself to think of a beautiful boat every time I thought of something awful like my daddy's death or mom being so sick, etc.
You can actually create a new habit for yourself in 21 days. It takes 21 days to change a behavior and if all of this insanity, and it is insanity, is getting you bonkers, redirect your thoughts and you will beging to see a difference in how you feel. It's not the easiest thing to do but it sure beats the sox off of not trying something!

Is there a way to find a facility for your aunt? Maybe it's time that you lived your life without this insanity. I know that death is part of life, but I for one am not wired to be a caregiver even though I did it for almost 6 years. I would NEVER do it again and I don't want to be the one sitting bedside holding a hand again either.
I did my job and saw both my parents to their graves and that's enough.
OK, Addie, I hear you and please keep venting here because this website is something that can keep you from going totally bonkers. We Care.
lovbob

Listen to the above....MANY years of experience here! Everyone "hits the wall" at some point during their caregiving journey. Yours is now. Do not ignore it. It is your body's way of telling you to make a change or it will do it for you.
Look into an ALF or NH for your aunt. Limit visits with your Mom until you can get things under control. And please seek counseling and a good doctor who understands how to treat emotional issues. I am not normally a fan of drug therapies but it might be a good "stop gap" measure until you can get your feet under you.
Make just one change today that will improve your life....even if it is a small one.
And come here as often as you need...we're open 24/7 :o)

I do not know if you can---but the trauma seems to lessen with time--I have experienced this-firsthand.

Hi Addie. I am 41 years old and have been through this a couple of times and now I am taking care of my 62 year old father who had two massive heart attacks back to back, was gone for over 10 minutes after the first and developed an anoxic brain injury because of lack of oxygen. He is the reason I joined this site.

Let me just say that I am sorry that you are so overwhelmed by the events that are occurring in your life. No one ever deals with the pain of watching loved ones suffer or die and says it is easy. Ten years ago, I was dealt quite a blow when my grandmother was diagnosed with liver cancer. Never a drink, a cigarette, nothing and this strong, vital woman was diagnosed with this terminal disease. As well as that happening, a friend, 28 years old, fell off of his roof and was in a hospital bed as a vegatable until he died. This was all over the course of 6 months. By the way, my grandmother died at 3:30 AM and my friend died exactly 12 hours later.

I was with my grandmother when she died. The last word she spoke was "pain". It was heartbreaking. She was heavily sedated after that and her heart gave out. The suffering that I saw this woman, one of my best friends, go through almost made it bearable that she was gone. I also think it was a gift to me to be there with her. On the flip side, it was a comfort to her not to be alone.

It was not an easy day and I miss both just as much today as I did ten years ago, but if you have done all that you can do and the person that you love so much is ready to go, you just have to keep plugging through your life and let them go. Your life has not ended. You need to enjoy even the smallest of things that bring you happiness. For some it is volunteering or getting a pet. For others it is prayer. I don't know you, but it seems like you have an overwhelming amount of sadness and grief. Maybe you have someone to speak with. Maybe a long walk could do some good. For me, I get in the car, blast the radio and sing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs. By the way, I am a real sucky singer, but I don't care. It is a release. You do what you have to do and try to be strong for your loved one.

I wish you peace and happiness in your life. Don't ever give up and don't ever be afraid to vent or ask someone for help, but you have to do something for your well being. Take care and I really do hope the best for you.

I understand your feelings and hope you will check with someone to see if you have post-traumatic stress syndrome. Please check with every agency you can about receiving counseling and help with anxiety. I share your sorrow. I watched my father die by myself. Even my brother who is a doctor did not show up and I watched the one person I truly trusted die by myself although doctors were there. My husband was present but did not love or like my father although he was kind to him. Please stay in touch with us. Rebecca

I was with my dad taking care of him the last 6 mts. before he passed from cancer. I was with him holding his hand as he passed over to Heaven. I wouln't trade those moments for anything! He had such a peacefull look on his face when it was over! I did have to read a couple of books "closer to the light" is one of them that helped me get through his illness and passing. I hope you get a chance to read it..God Bless You...April

I'm not certain how far along the grief process you are about your dad, but your mom's health is creating emotional flashbacks to that loss and filling you with anticipatory grief about your mother. It's time for you to find some help for yourself as already described above. I've seen many people die in the emergency room and other places as well as buried many people during 20 years of my former life as a pastor, but it is different when it is your own relative. One reason it is different is because of distance. Right now with your mom declining and your elderly aunt at home, you do not have any distance or space apart from people dying all around you which would exhaust as well as depress anyone over time. You need some space and I hope for your sake that you can find some.

Thank you all for taking the time to send hugs and to tell your stories. My heart goes out to you all also, and it is comforting to me to see that I am not alone. I think I have to do something. The trauma seemed to have lessened a bit with time until that moment with my mom and I knew it was still there. I'm trying to take better care of myself and get more sleep which I had not been taking time to do. I'm going out with my son during the day also just to get some space away from all the impending death. Today my mom was talking to my aunt telling her about a shopping trip with my sisters, and she said something like: [my dad's name] and I didn't buy anything just the girls...talking like my dad was there with her shopping with my sisters. My dad has been dead almost 2 years. Oh boy...this is not a good thing.

It sounds like your mother's mind has further declined. I noticed a new phase in my mother's decline. It appears that her mind may have gone back to when she was a single parent and I'm her only child. My step-dad is 86 and confused, but he also does not like me having durable and medical POA over my mother. My mom does not think she will live past 80 which she will turn at the end of July. Her basis for that is the death of her brother last year when he turned 80.

Hi Addie ~ So sorry for all the stress you have been dealing with. I understand since I was with my mom when she passed away, but the truth is I had been watching her slip away day by day for at least a month. I knew it was time for her to go, and I was glad that she would be free of her pain and misery, but it was still the most bizarre feeling to tell my best friend/mentor/supporter/mom that it was OK to go when what I really wanted was for to get well and stay with me. To answer your question ... I don't know that I will ever get over it, but I am learning to get through it. I try to remind myself that her illness and passing were, in the grand scheme, a short time in a much longer life and she was able to make a positive impact on so many other people's lives. I also found counseling very helpful ... not that it could change any of the circumstances, but just having my feelings validated by an objective, caring person meant a lot to me. I also learned it's ok to "check out" from our reality once in a while in order to preserve ourselves, and that it is not selfish to do so. I hope you will be able to find some help for your mom, your aunt and yourself, so you do not have to shoulder the burden all by yourself. Hang in there!!

Yes, to the role of therapy. It is so helpful.

I think two realities make letting go of our declining parent(s) tough. One, it means for many of us that we are taking their place in society. Two, it means becoming more of our own teacher, guide as sometimes we have to learn to almost like parent ourselves, become our own best encourager, and find what nurtures us best that will last us for the rest of our life. Our parents made it and are making it through these final stages of life and so can we!

My father passed a week and 1/2 ago. Im already back at work. It seems like a world away and a century ago, but it was just 9 days. I miss him so much, but as was said before on these replies, it was time for him to go. He suffered so much. He died at home in hospice care. We made the decision to bring him home because he wanted this and hated hospitals. I asked God daily to please do his will or take his pain while he was suffering at home.He continued to ask for my grandmother who passed in 1988 as if she was in the room and he was telling her he wanted to go. These experiences teach us to be humble and not sweat the small stuff. Love matters more than anything. It is worth the experience, no matter how many times you go through it.

I was with my brother 60 when he died, I was holding his left hand, his wife was holding his right. He entered the hospital on July 14th, he was weak because his liver was failing and he had a bleed in his intestines. Almost immediately after entering the emergency room things went downhill, the next thing we knew, he was intubated and in ICU, then his kidneys began to fail, then coma, then he's getting better, comes off the ventilator and out of the coma. However, he's never the same, he's confused, delusional, hepatic encephalopathy they call it. Out of ICU into intermediate care, now it's August 1st, the doctors start talking hospice, me, another brother and his wife are his constant companions, going to see him in shifts. It's exhausting, sometimes he knows you, sometimes no, he wants to get up, he wants the furniture moved, he wants cigarettes, on and on. On his last day, Friday August 22nd, I was first to arrive, immediately I can tell something is different. His breathing is shallow and there are long pauses, he isn't swallowing, the nurse is suctioning his mouth, this started sometime in the middle of the night. Unplanned, two of my brothers show up along with his wife. The nurse tells us that his time is at hand, it was surreal, watching those last few breaths, his eyes, it's something I won't soon forget. Actually, I can't get it out of my head, it's causing me a lot of anxiety. Today his wife gave me some personal items that belonged to my brother, I feel guilty calling them my own. How is it that we don't have to take a class on how to deal with death?

Contact your local hospice for either grief counseling or take the course they offer for volunteers. Either one would be well worth your time. Talking to a minister might help. I believe our faith has a great deal to do with how we handle everything in life.

If you feel so wrapped up in your own reaction and anxiety getting out and helping others with volunteer work could be the answer. Stepping outside of yourself and making a difference in someone else's life can be a big benefit. Grief comes to all of us and there is no one answer in how to get through it. I do know going through anything alone is always much more difficult. God bless!

Thanks everyone. My mom is in the last stages of dementia and is starving herself to death. She soon to be transferred to a new facility which will meet her changing needs. I see my mom twice a week as it is a drive. Each time I see her, her body has deteriorated more. I think part of the letting go process is to find peace. For us, we are both on a journey. Because she was an emotionally abusive parent, I find it more difficult to find solace in the fact that she will go, and so many things remained unsaid. I am not angry with her, but rather sad that so many good years were waited, as she did her best to make all around her miserable. I grieve for my dream of what I wish should have been, and also for the impact her behaviour had on my desire to push others away when I need them most.

Feeling better now, the memorial service was a few days ago, I was asked to say a few words and I was able to express myself in a way that touched quite a few of the people who attended my brothers service. I've been thinking a lot about life and the truth is, beyond the care that we give each other, the rest of it is meaningless. Nothing matters except love, compassion and charity.

Reading both these new answers and the old ones, it makes me teary again remembering my experiences. I was there for my mom and wish I had been there for my dad. We had already said all the good things that needed said, and I'd sat with him through some hospital stays where it could have been the end, but not the one that really was. One of our PM&R residents is with her mom right now who is in critical condition in need of a liver transplant and she might or might not make it. It is just about killing me to do all the extra work as well as the housework and the extra things my husband still needs done but she will never hear that from me because this kind of time is sacred and there is no substitute for being there.

The only other thing I can add, is sure, you can expect to be able to function and feel happy again, but not really to "get over it" and be "done" grieving. Grief IS more complicated when the relationship was not as good, too - that seems almost universal. Being there for the last days and last moments of the life of another human being really does change you forever, no getting around it! It starts as being kind of a painful part of you and you need to debrief like you would any other trauma...it gradually becomes just part of you, but the emotions reawaken at predictable and unpredictable times, and you never know when you may discover another layer of it all! Getting help..helps...but it does not make the experience or the impact of it go away! The only way "out" is through. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance of what happened, of how it feels to be the one left behind, and of whatever else you find in your heart.

Addie, start by asking the MD for anxiety medication and grief counseling. You never got over Dad, you still have a lot of baggage to offload. You cannot change life and death, you CAN learn how to cope with it and not let it paralyze you.

Be happy for them. They have left their old shells behind to embark on their real life.

Hi, a couple of days ago my brother was driving and went to turn into a street. Before he turned into the street he looked left to check if anyone was coming and then looked right and a body fell right near him. The body hit the road and bounced up a metre and then laid on the road dead. My brother said he cannot sleep and whenever he tries to, all he can see is the mans face with brain over the road and he constantly hears the sound of the mans skull smashing. I'm really worried about him because he is a very strong male but I really need advice on how to help him get through this tough time?

What a horrendous thing to happen to your brother! I hope that he's getting professional counseling. Even law enforcement officers go through counseling after they are involved in a death.

Your support is extremely valuable to him, Joel, but he will most likely need professional help as well.

That being said, he's lucky to have you by his side.
Carol

You have too much anxiety for you to handle. I know the sheer dread you feel. I have not experienced death like so many here have. But, I know when I am overwhelmed beyond my human capacity & still have the worry on my mind to the point of dreaming the worry in exaggerated forms. You have to back off of this. It's your life & if you want to get away from all the death & dying-- you have to physically remove yourself from it. Life is for the living. You have much living to do yet. Death will always be around us. You need a vacation from it, now. Some people "feel" too much. I am that way. I feel everything with out a filter, and it's hard to take on all the time. Take a break from all this & live your life! Best advice I can give you! God bless your loving heart! (Give it to Him for now, He can handle it!) Peace! blou

I just lost my beloved father two days after Christmas and my mother died two months earlier in October. My dad suffered a massive heart attack along with CHF and acute renal failure. I watched him die for 36 hours straight in "Comfort Care". It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was alone most of that time with him because I am his only daughter with no husband or children. I can relate so much to the detached feeling you felt -- like the world was foreign to you and like you weren't connected to it anymore That was exactly how I felt as I looked out the hospital window as day turned into night. Through the night I listened to my father's agonal respirations and I am still trying to get over it. I loved my father more than anything in this world. I lived with him for 55 years so the loss of him is something I'll never get over. As long as he was around I was happy and could face anything, but now I have no one I can trust so completely. Now I suffer from insomnia and anxiety. I think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I went to a drop-in grief support meeting but it was cancelled because of low attendance. I'm seeing a therapist in a couple of days. I've started going to church again which helps a little. Spending time with my cousins also helps. I have one cousin who had a near death experience so she's convinced that our departed loved ones live on. Writing about my feelings to my online friends has also helped. A friend in Europe who also lost both of his parents told me he derives much comfort and strength by going to a spiritual club that his mother often attended. Although he was skeptical at first, things he has witnessed with percipients or clairvoyants has convinced him 100% that there exists life after death. I signed up just to reply to your post, because your experience and feelings resembled mine more than anything I've read yet. My heart goes out to you and I hope you are healing as I hope to heal.

Parysia - you needed and did not get your chance to "debrief"! I suspect your being there was a blessing to him even if he did not seem all that aware, and maybe someday despite how awful it was, you can take some pride in the privilege of having been there for him.

I remember my mom's breathing changing to Cheyne-Stokes (agonal) too and how it slowly and miserably dawned on me that this was "it" rather than just another angina attack she could come back from at least a little while. I can identify with that feeling of it seeming a bit or even a lot unreal...once I really knew and let myself understand....I just stayed and held her hand and told her it was OK, she had done her best. The hospice staff had all ducked out after she calmed down from the chest pain she had before they gave medication for it, and didn't expect it to be right then and there either or they would not have just left me alone. I pushed the call button but they couldn't or didn't come back right away and I did know better than to leave Mom alone to go get them.

I was not there for my Dad - I was driving to try to get there from Little Rock to Pgh PA in a snow storm - I had been at his side in the hospital once and was afraid he might pass then and there but he pulled through. It's hard emotionaly either way!

I'm not sure I can be with someone when they pass away. I know that it isn't far with my cousin. I hope it's very far away with my parents, but they are in their 70's. I pray they live to be 100! lol

I'm not sure what to do about it. If someone is in Hospice do you have to be present? It terrifies me, though I think I'm a pretty strong person. I don't know how I can do it. My cousin has no one but me. I'm just too scared.

Sunnygirl1, I always wondered if I could hold it together when my husband died. He was nearly 20 years older, and had a heart condition, so it seemed likely he'd go first.

Well he didn't die of a heart attack. Instead he lived longer than his siblings and developed dementia in addition to the heart problems. I took care of him for about 10 years. I felt very privileged to be with him when he died. I held his hand and we exchanged I love you. I miss him terribly, and his being gone is still hard on me. But the death itself was a witnessing and sharing of a final life milestone. I am so glad I was there.

Sunnygirl, you aren't alone in feeling afraid. Most of are until it happens.

I will say that I've attended three deaths of elderly people who were more than ready to go and they were not only rewarding experiences but beautiful beyond words.

I learned so much about the cycle of life, which includes death of the body. I will say that my spiritual beliefs influence my reactions, however there isn't a doubt in my mind that while I held my dad I felt his spirit leave his body. I knew then that he'd been released from the cage that had kept him in his dementia world for ten years. Just my view, but I thought I'd share it in case it helps.
Carol

Sunnygirl, I do think most people fear being present at the passing of someone they love. I was also with my Daddy when he passed and for me, I am thankful to have been able to be present, both for him and for me. As Carol mentioned, I also felt Daddy's spirit leave his body. It even felt as though the room had the softest and most comforting glow and in my heart I knew he was home and no longer suffering. I know it was a comfort to him to be surrounded by those he loved and as time passed, I think it helped me through the grieving process to have been there. Prayers for you and your cousin.