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Background: I live with my 76 yr old mother. She has VaD and Afib along with CHF. She sleeps a lot which is pretty normal for her. However, in the last two wks she has felt really weak, dizzy, gets out of breath easier than normal, doesn't want to eat, but still drinks water and tea. She gets sweaty and feels very cold as in her skin is cold. She keeps telling me she doesn't feel good, but refuses to go to the hospital. Most of this is normal for having Afib & CHF, but she tells me she is ready to go. She is done with this life! She doesn't even try to get her cats in at night anymore.


For the last 2 nights as I sit in my living room I get the feeling like...how do I want to say this...like I am not alone, also like...her time is coming! I know I sound crazy, but I just can't shake this feeling. I am scared! Of what? I am not sure of. Has anyone felt like this before a LO passed?


Thank you in advance!

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Shell - when my mother was really sick, close to death, about two and half years ago, everyday for several weeks, she kept telling me that my late father was standing at the foot of her bed looking at her.

One day, while I was in her room and she in bed, she told me again that my dad was there at the foot of the bed. She pointed towards that direction and told me to look. I did and didn't see anyone, and I told her so. Then a moment later, I saw him, in the mirror, walking/floating out of the room through the window.

I just froze. I was so scared for the next 2 days. My mom pulled through and recovered. She stopped mentioning seeing my dad ever since.

Your mom, being in her current condition, may have visitors from the other side, hence your feeling of not being alone in the room. It would not surprise me.
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Shell38314 Aug 9, 2019
Wow Polarbear, I would have been scare/surprise. That is crazy. I am thinking someone from the other side might be here. But spirits don't usually scare me. Something feels different!

Thank you for replying:)
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The fact that you feel the end is near due to her reduced participation and enjoyment in things she used to do is logical. Scared - suspecting there will be a change in circumstances can make you feel that way after so long living with a parent.

I used to know when a loved one was close to the end - within hours - can’t explain it - just knew - however far away they were.

The presence you feel is actually quite a common experience too. They can be at any time, including before or even after a death and usually bring a kind of peace.

One time was very strange - a neighbour died as we had a coffee after a basic “computer lesson” I gave. His wife was in shock and I stayed until her son arrived. For about 3 days after, I kept smelling a pleasant smell that was reassuring every time it occurred . I suddenly realised that, whilst I’d never consciously noticed it when he was alive, it was the deceased husbands aroma and presence. Never had that with a non family member before.

Don’t worry, enjoy your time with your mum, she may improve, she might not - I treated each day as if it were the last anyway, with my parents. Main aim, outside caring, was to see how often each day I could make them laugh or at least smile.

Thinking of you,
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Shell38314 Aug 11, 2019
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. In a weird way it gives me comfort.
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Shell, my mother was having this kind of slow motion decline 2 years ago. She was in a NH with good care and alert nurses. We all saw it; they checked her out and no infection or anything definitive or actionable.

About a week after this started, she was being assisted in the bathroom by a CNA who was very familiar with mom. She helped mom stand after toileting her and said "now grab the bar and I'll pull your pants up". Mom did not grab the bar. She fell and banged her head and broke her wrist.

She was taken to the hospital and fixed up, but she went into a rapid downward spiral and died about a week later.

A long winded way of saying that this may just be a decline, but be aware that the skills that you've counted on being there may suddenly not be.

And yes, I'd call in the EMTs for a look and then hospice if they dont find anything to treat, or if mom refuses.

YOU need the support of someone you can call 24/7 for advice. That's what hospice will give you.
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Not eating is a pretty strong indication she is shutting down. I do agree with a hospice assessment. But your post was more about your odd feelings. We are all given a sixth sense. Some of us are more in tune to it then others. Often we feel it and ignore it and then realize we were being guided. So welcome in the sense that you are not alone, because you aren’t. I can tell from your responses that you are a woman of faith. Take comfort that perhaps you are being visited by an Angel or perhaps someone from the past. Now I respect some on here that don’t believe in that but there are many first hand accounts of such things. I tend to be very practical about death now. Your mom has lived against a lot of odds and has her DNR in place etc. She is of the average age for death of a female. So although many live into their 90’s its not at all young for someone with the kind of health conditions she has. I would ask her doctor to approve a hospice evaluation and they can tell you what her symptoms show as far as nearing death.
Please don’t be afraid. Blessings be yours.
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Shell38314 Aug 11, 2019
Thank you for your reply and your understanding. I have had the sixth sense my whole life, but some how this feels different. She doesn't want hospice or any other Tx, however, I do have a Dr friend coming over today to examine her and see what if anything can be done. I don't even know if she will let him take a look at her. She won't even see her own Dr.

She is an old 76. She hasn't done much in years. She has always stayed in her room even before my father passed away, which he died 5 yrs ago. I think she started to give up on life yrs ago.

I know the Lord walks with me and He is here as I try to navigate through all this craziness and illness.

Thank you so much!
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Shell, for one thing, separate in your mind "having her checked out" and "treatment".

I know I always quite one of mom's geriatrics docs "If you're not going to do the treatment , then don't do the test". That applies to things like bone marrow biopsies. A relatively non invasive test like a blood or urine test, or even a mobile xray? I'd go for it
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Zdarov Aug 11, 2019
I agree. Last week Mom’s palliative doc said, Let’s not bother doing blood tests anymore, we’re not going to do anything with the info. Going to fire back; we still need to know if thyroid values or fit D for instance are out of whack.
OP, please push forth with some basic, non-invasive testing.
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Oh yes, I feel like it is coming for my father: 84 years old, has a pace maker, parkinsons disease, etc. My mother is now his guardian and he's moving to assisted living. I don't think he has much longer to live. It tears me up. My thoughts and prayers go out to the OP and to others that are struggling with the same thing.
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Shell38314 Aug 10, 2019
Thank you for understanding and your reply.
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When my mother was getting ready to pass from this life, she had people in the room that I could not see, for about 3 days. I didn't feel their presence, but I respected their being there for my mother. I hope you can derive comfort from them and if you need someone you can see, please call on someone to sit with you. You seem to be a smart, caring, intelligent soul. My ((Hugs)) go out to you.

I know when the time comes and I am done with the prodding and testing, I hope my children honor my wishes as you are honoring your mother's. tried to read all the posts but I didn't notice if you have called Hospice or not. if not, you might do that, they have given many comfort in these times.
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Shell38314 Aug 11, 2019
Mary, Thank you for sharing your experience and for your support. You understand how important it is to me to honour my mother's wishes. I did have a Dr who is a friend of mine today and he gave her some fluids. I would like to be able to have her tested for infection.

And thank you for staying on the subject! ☺
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Thank you everybody for your advice and for sharing your stories.

Unfortunately, my mother has enough awarness that she knows what is going on most of the time. She fades in and out.

She has had 19 surgeries, beat cancer 3x, and she was in 2 really bad trucks accidents. She has suffer GERD and Acid Reflex most of her life.

In May 2016, she was in the hospital for 3 wks, for what I do not know. She made it clear to her than Dr to not tell me any information this was before I knew and before she was Dx with VaD. When she was release she told me that she will never go back into any hospital and that she was done. And she meant it!

I really had no intention to go into this whole Medical Thing...this was more about a feeling I have been having. About feeling like someone is in a room with me when I am alone. The feeling of something is about to happen!

The last I knew my mother and anybody else has the "right to refuse Tx." No Dr or EMTs can touch her that is consider an assault. She is not incapacitated therefore again no medical personnel can touch her. However, I am having a friend of mine who is a Dr come to the house to check on her if she will let him.

There was a thread posted not long ago about when do we as adult children not make our elderly parent seek Tx. If a LO who is more competent then not, we should not and can not drag them to a hospital or make them do a Tx they do not wish for. My mother has told me many times in her clear thinking that she is done with this life. She has a DNR, she does not want a feeding tube...no extreme measures taken. I fully understand that a blood work up and a urin test are noninvasive and I will see about getting that done. I did manage to give her a IV today 100ml and my Dr friend is bring me a few more saline bags when he comes to visit, but again she has the right to refuse Tx. Maybe he can talk her into having bloodwork done.

I will not force her into anything she does not want because I know she has been in and out of the hospital my whole life.

My mother is not afraid or in any pain at this point!

She did eat 3Tbp of ice cream and had some tea on and off today.

We will see what happens.

Again thank you for your comments.
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Zdarov Aug 11, 2019
You are doing such a good job with your mom. Mine doesn’t want to live either, doesn’t want treatments either. Just keep walking that line and hang in there, take good care of you. 💐
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For the longest time,
I was afraid to put my mom on hospice care-because it sounds creepy-
But when i realized they can get things done at home-
& that they are trying to keep people out of the hospital-
I thought ok we'll try that approach.
You can call them, and nurses that live nearby, they show up to help You-
Your mom might agree to treatment if it's done in the comfort of her home-
They deliver drugs etc from their own pharmacy-
Just an afterthought -
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I'm sure the Lord is with you: Shell38314, (that you have this foreknowledge & yet the comfort of not being alone). Not to worry...do the usual stuff for mom & don't let people trouble you to go beyond what you know is right. Will help you further if you need, just PM me.🌷
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Shell38314 Aug 10, 2019
Thank you for your support. May the Lord be with you as well.
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