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Per the advice of a wonderful person on this site, my dad FINALLY took my 65 year old mother to see a geriatric psychologist. The doctor (after only two visits) took her off serriquol and placed her on Lithium. Apparently, it’s MORE than just dementia, she is also bipolar! My mom has been on Lithium now for a week, but shows absolutely no signs of her “mood” becoming better. Let me explain her “mood” these days: she is 110% miserable all the time, everyday, all day long ... meanness, mixed with anger, mixed with crying, mixed with hate, mixed with paranoia, mixed with delusions, mixed with a heightened sexual desire, mixed with shadowing my father like a puppy dog, mixed with physical violence, mixed with childish behaviors, mixed with wandering, mixed with many obsessive compulsive activities. My mother’s #1 favorite pastime is washing any clothing/bath towels she can find in her house over and over again. My mother’s #2 favorite pastime is using her 1999 cell phone to call my father starting the moment he leaves for work everyday. My mother has a sitter who comes to stay with her during the day yet she still calls my father and fusses at him until he finally breaks and comes home early (this happens every single day). I have tried hiding her cell phone and I’ve tried unplugging the washing machine; neither does any good because my father won’t tough it out while she’s relentlessly “losing it” over not having these “pacifiers” or “security blankets”; he breaks under her constant nagging for them to be fixed/returned every time. She runs up their water bill to astronomical amounts every single month and she has reached the point of harassment calling family members (mostly my father) on her cell phone.


The worst part (yes it gets worse), my mom has reached a point of anger now where she has actually hit me twice. I am not ok with that!!! I told my father about the closed fist hit I receieved from my mother to the BACK of my head and he didn’t seem to think it was that bad of a thing ... that leads me to believe that she has probably assaulted him several times, if not regularly. She has tried to jump out of my car while I was taking her through the drive through of an ice cream shop ... just minutes before, she was begging to leave the house, then suddenly she decided she didn’t want to be where she was, she wanted to be back home. She sits on her back porch (surrounded by her family) and angrily says “I’ll be damn glad when someone takes me home”. I responded “momma you are at home.” My mother looked at me with pure hate in her eyes and screamed “shut up, just shut up, do you think I’m stupid? I live in that big White House over there.” There is no big White House anywhere near her house and she’s never lived in a big white house. She has also started asking me every time I see her if I’m my father’s girlfriend. I will say no, I’m his daughter; to which she responds “oh I bet, I know exactly what you two are doing.” Then, she will jump into my father’s lap, glare at me (like I’m her romantic rival), bury her head in his chest and start crying (extremely childish), even though she’s obviously attempting to be sexual with her behavior, it still comes across as something exactly like an upset child would do. I suppose that is where she is at now, a cross between a sex crazed geriatric and 4 year old child. It’s just weird and extremely unsettling.


I have begged my father to have her placed in an elder care facility so she can be monitored 24/7 by medical professionals. He won’t say no, but he won’t actually make steps to do anything either. My fear is that he’s waiting for some kind of horrific event to happen so he can tell himself he didn’t have a choice, I think he must have made that stupid unrealistic promise spouses always make to each other “oh honey, please don’t ever put ME in a care facility when I’m old!” I now believe anyone who ever makes a loved one promise that to them is completely selfish!!! I am just trying to prevent any further horrific events from happening. Example: During a Saturday visit to my parents house to let my 7 year old daughter visit her grandfather, my mother became manic and started screaming at me to the point of causing my child to cry ... my mother ran into the kitchen and yelled “where are all my knives?” Oddly enough, just 1 day before, against my fathers wishes, but per the request of my mother’s daytime sitter, I had removed all the scissors and knives from my parents home. Well thank god I did, right? During a fit of anger my mom runs to look for a knife? Wow!!! After being unable to find the knife she needed to slash her family into a million pieces, my mom then proceeds to run to back of the house where she removed all the clothing she had on and walked into the living room like she had proven a point. I screamed “mother!!! You are naked! There is a child in the room! What are you doing?” Can anyone give me any reason she shouldn’t be placed in a facility?

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In my experience, you can't convince anyone of anything. The advice often given on this forum is to wait for the crisis that forces people to act.

If the event you described didn't cause your father to act, I do not know what will. Certainly, your daughter cannot visit them anymore. It is not a safe place for anyone.

NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness) has a educational program called Family to Family. You might find some advice there. Apparently, police involvement is a way people with mentally ill family members have been able to get their ill loved ones to accept mental health care. The next time your mom has an episode like the one described, call the police. State that your mom is a danger to herself or others. If they agree, you might find some help.
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Ahmijoy Oct 4, 2018
Kudos, Marcia, for a great answer with some real possible solutions. I know it would be difficult for the family to go in like gang busters and force their dad to agree to institutionalize their mom. They need to stop waiting around for Dad to come to terms with placing their Mom. That’s not going to happen. But something tragic and traumatizing very well could. It will be difficult to overrule Dad’s wishes, but something needs to be done.
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Your mother is a danger to herself and everyone around her, including your child. You cannot remove every possible weapon from their home without denuding it.

Sit Dad down, with sibs if you have them, and tell him the facts of life. He doesn’t seem able to make a rational decision, for whatever reason. This isn’t a case of Mom being “a little off”. She’s downright homicidal. You don’t have time for Dad to poo or get off the pot. Tell Dad you are going to tour facilities and find a place for her. He may simply be waiting for someone to make up his mind for him.
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In my opinion she certainly should be placed in a facility. The scene you describe is beyond horrific. I would hope you could convince your father of this ASAP. Does he truly understand what she has done to you physically? There is not one reason why she should continue a life at home with this behavior. You should not have to continue dealing with it. Your story is one of the most toxic I have heard since joining this site. This is of no fault of your own. Please help yourself and your father and have her placed. This life you describe is not worth living.
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I'm sorry, I didn't read your whole post, but it seems as though you mom might benefit greatly from a stay in a geriatric psych unit or "senior behavioral" unit. In other words, an on patient psychiatric unit. Can you find out if that is a possibility?
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shad250 Oct 5, 2018
In other words, locked down 23 hours a day only being let out for a little exercise?
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First my daughter days it takes a month to see if a med is working. Then if not, another month for a new one. This continues until the right mix.

You need to call the doctor and tell him what is going on. Tell him the sitter sees violent behavior to the point she requested all knives removed.. I agree with Barb, she needs a psychiatric hospital where they can monitor her medications and reactions. If she gets violent. Dad needs to call the police. She will be placed then. He can't live like this. This is far beyound "in sickness or health".
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Searching for a knife and physically assaulting her family is a big reason to send her to a facility. Trying to jump out of a vehicle is another big sign. If dad will not agree with this then call the police when she gets this way. He will have no choice but to comply then. It may make you unpopular in your family because no one wanted to do anything out of guilt or shame but eventually they will all be thankful when she is in a safe place getting proper care for her condition.Your whole family will be safer
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A family friend was getting dementia, but her husband still had her at home. One morning, he asked her if she wanted toast for breakfast, it made her mad, and she stabbed him 7 times. Luckily, they were not deep wounds. He called the police and they took her directly to a psych hospital for evaluation. She went from there to a locked Alzheimer ward.

Please do not let your daughter go there again. Maybe grandpa can meet her somewhere. If your Mother acts up when you are there, if she threatens or is physical or just waaay out there, go ahead and call the police yourself. They will want to take your Mother for evaluation. That may encourage your Father to go along with the decision.

Best of luck hon, stay strong!
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Reply to BeckyT
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Hello,

I can absolutely relate to your horrible situation. You are on the right track about getting your mother to a geriatric psychiatrist/psycholoogist. All of what you have said sounds like a carbon copy of what I have been dealing with for 7 years now. I was really close to my parents, but with the behavior my mother was exhibiting ie violent, sometimes psychotic behavior, and my dad's inability to place her somewhere, has forced me to get help for myself. My mother has had every conceivable treatment and drug...BTW it does take time for drugs to work, but she has refused to get any kind of counseling or Cognitive behavioral therapy. IF A PERSON DOESN'T WANT TO GET BETTER..all the drugs in the world aren't going to solve the situation in a vacuum. My mom has also had a plethora of diagnoses which comes back to nobody really know exactly what's wrong. She doesn't have the diagnosis of dementia yet, which has been backed up by CT and her cognitive abilites..when she wants to participate. Years ago she would just have been called "insane" My dad is fully functional and is cognitively intact, so it is up to him what transpires. He calls constantly and complains about what is happenening, but at the end of the day he unable emotionally to seperate and make the right decision. Granted, this has been over 7 grueling years, but now I just try to keep them safe pragmactically, and expect something horrible to happen, but there is nothing I can do. YES there is guilt, but that gets back to what I have suggested; getting help for yourself.

I'm sorry I wan't tying to make this about me...I just wanted you to see my background so you could examine whether your situation sounds similair.

What I have learned:

This is THEIR situation and no matter what you say or do to help, it won't help to make any changes in THEIR situation unless they want your input. It is heartbreaking, but it is their lives.

It takes a lot of work, but boundaries need to be set for yourself with realistic expectations. Your dad may get to a point of acceptance, but until this happens this behavior will continue.

I don't mean this harshly, but YES, this situation may end up killing him because he has taken on the role of caretaker, but this is what he has chosen.

You need to take care of YOU! We are taught as daughters to be nuturing, of others...but not of ourselves.

Family dynamics....we all want even keel...the way things used to be, but when one person changes or acts in such a way to upset the balance..the rest of the family will try to do anything to keep balance...and this can affect others in a negative way.

Please take care of yourself and I wish you the best.
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Reply to skyresq1
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I have so much compassion for you as I just did a civil commitment on my mother and she is in a geriatric psychiatric ward in the hospital being evaluated. I have 2 letters of recommendation for conservatorship to place her in a dementia unit in a nursing home but now the judge says we have to give her 5 days notice of court. I cannot believe they actually have to do that especially since court is not until the the 15th of Oct. But maybe speaking to an attorney will help. I had to do the commitment on my own but have the lawyer representing me for conservatorship.
Good luck to you as it is so heartbreaking.
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Reply to Trisha1958
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A number of years ago in my community a man who had dementia along with a mental illness murdered his wife, it was a horrific case, he tried to dispose of her body in an awful way but due to his illness he was unable to hide the crime and was discovered by family. I cannot imagine having to find that when I walked into my parents house. Let your da d know that you love him and your mom but you are extremely worried that she may do irreparable harm to him. Tell him this story if need be, tell him you know he loves your mom and is just trying to take care of her but perhaps as part of that love he needs to place her somewhere that may be able to help get her swinging moods under control. That it may mean permanently putting her in care or being able to bring her home while ensuring his safety. He cannot take care of her if she ends up killing him. Be very blunt about that fact. Perhaps it will persuade him. You may be able to find my story online, it occurred in Yorktown Virginia I can’t remember the exact years but I do believe it was in the mid nineties.
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