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I am 34, my moms 62 so I am not her caregiver so to speak. She's living with me and my DH & my 3 yo son as she and dad have separated. It's a long story but I basically feel like my life is falling apart, like I have no control over anything anymore. I am having depressed episodes, anxiety, illness. Can it be from the stress of having her living here? Anyone else in this position? I also feel guilty for not wanting her here.

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I saw a list the other day of the most stressful events in life and moving to a new place was up near the top - and having a new living situation would be the same thing, so naturally you are stressed out. Maybe you could find her a place not far away like a senior apartment. Your feelings remind me of a relative who has just had her husband to retire so he is there ALL the time and it is driving her crazy. Having your routine disrupted is very depressing for most people
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I'm 63 and here to say your mom is quite capable of taking care of herself without having to live with you! You're setting patterns now that will last for the rest of her life, which could be another 30+ years. Don't let that pattern be a dependence on you to the detriment of your own health and happiness.

Give her a date that she must find a place of her own and stick to it. Help her if you must (or let your other siblings do that part). You're NOT responsible for your mom's health and happiness - that's HER job. So let her get working to fix her own life. You have other priorities - your husband and son.
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Eternallysorry, what helped me finally come to terms with our codependent relationship (I, too was/am the unappreciated, resented, but always go-to/fix it child.), was the term "detachment." Obviously I am my mother's caregiver because there is no one else. I am a good, decent, responsible woman who accepts this fact. But now I do this with detachment from all the old dynamics. It isn't easy to break lifelong habits, but my mother is better off and so am I. I focus on her physical needs, but no longer on her emotional needs which could not be met by me or anyone else. Once I drew that line, she eventually complied because I just would no longer be drawn in to her pain. Lordy, she loves the drama! And I don't. So I don't play. I recommend that you google detachment. This is a tool to use!
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Absolutely it is the stress of having your mother in your house. Don't feel obligated to want her around just because she is your mother.

I moved my mom in with us for 28 months and it was extremely stressful. And I don't have kids. I did end up with a very sick dog and it was difficult to juggle the many balls in my life along with the care of a mother who did absolutely nothing to improve herself or her life. She is way more capable than she acts and I finally snapped.

Does your mother currently work or have any kind of life independent from you? With the divorce, is her ex-husband paying any alimony? Do all you can to encourage your mother to live on her own, especially if she is healthy. You are experiencing extremely normal reactions to a very difficult situation.

Good luck.
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I'm not in the same position, but I've got my mom with me and I can tell you that I'm absolutely certain on some days that I'm losing my own mind because I'm focusing so much on her and her problems.

So, yes, I certainly think that's the case. For me, the only way I deal with all this is to manage the situation. Is she permanently with you or is this a stop gap? Either way, think about what you can do to make your situation better.

If she's there just temporarily, do what you can to help her find a place and feel safe in it (so that she can be gone). If she's staying, think about what the real problems are and find a way to talk through some options with her (so that the situation doesn't eventually drive you 100% over the brink).

And, at 62, unless she has health issues, if you don't want her there, she probably needs to get her own place. But if she feels too alone, maybe it could be closeby.
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Thanks so much for your comment only1of3, it's as if you have lived my life :)
I am always the one that my mom puts upon even though I have two sisters & a brother! They never seem to have to take the flack or help her out the way I do! You're right about guilt too - a useless emotion, that I have decided to do away with. My mother is moving out soon to live alone and it can't come quick enough for me! I can't wait to have my home & my life back :) thanks for your comment, nice to know I'm not the only
One who feels used and abused by the one person that's suppose to really love you!
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PART, not PAT, sorry. And guilt is a useless tool right now. It won't solve anything. Wish I had realized that years and years ago, because now I realize the time I wasted in it, a guilt that should never have been mine in the first place, foisted on me as a child, that played me all my life. And everyone thinks my mother is such a sweet, sweet lady.
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Eternallysorry, your life has been hijacked by cirmcumstances that are not of your making. I suspect that you have been your mother's caregiver n one way or another for much longer than you are even willing to admit right now. It took me until my sixtes to come to terms with my relationship with mother. And it was not and is not fair to me and mine, and it is not fair to you and your family. At 62, your mom can draw social security. She can rent her own place, pay her on bills,see her own friends, or make new friends. She can share her problems with someone else, preferably a paid professional. That doesn't mean she can't be a PAT of your life, but NOT dominate it with her issues. She CAN start a new life of her own and if you and your family are going to survive intact, she must begin her own new life.
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