He was a mean bully when I was growing up. He hasn't changed at all still mean and very much a bully. He is in really good health. How can I get him out of my home. I cannot continue to live like this. I too am a senior. I don't want to spend my life with him yelling and threatening me and cleaning up after him. While he is older than me obviously I feel as though he is abusing me verbally.

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Time to evict him. Are you in Canada? Search online for the rules for your state/province.
Once you understand the rules, move in a direction to effect a change. If you think he will become physically abusive when you are ready for this discussion, have someone else with you and ready to stay for the night. Is there someone he respects that can be with you? A member of the clergy or family member? That may help.
Personally, I would seek out alternate living arrangements so that when you tell him of your decision, he has some options to pursue. Make sure there is a deadline and don't make it too far out! In addition, I'd urge you get counseling for yourself. It isn't easy to listen to a barrage of negativity. Get someone to help you work through that too. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (31)

Do you include mental health when you say "he is in really good health"? Dementia can exacerbate personality traits and since he lives with you, he's always in your face. What went into making the decision to have him move in with you? He promised to "behave" and now isn't? No one else stepped up and you felt obligated even though on some level you knew the outcome? He is destitute and had no where else to go? If he was an abuser and not a father, I think you don't have much obligation to or for him. My husband is immobile, incontinent and self-centered. We have no money to self-pay a facility, and too much money to qualify for Medicaid or other help, so I'm stuck. And, he refuses to go to a facility anyway. Many people I have encountered in the health care field tell me I need to take care of myself. "Taking care of myself" would mean putting hubby full-time in a facility. I can tell you that over the past decade, my own physical and mental health has deteriorated. I wake up 6 out if 7 mornings thinking how much I hate my life. I am the result of what you will become if you don't take charge, as the others have said, and do something. Threatening him with upping his rent may frighten him into behaving for a while, but a leopard can't change his spots. Stop being an enabler and get out, or get him out while you still can.
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Are you his POA? If so, you may want to speak to his doctor privately, and explain the situation. You may also want to speak to an elder lawyer and senior social worker as well. Explore the options in your area. I assist my mother who is 90 and selfish, negative, and unreasonable. Ruined all of her relationships and I'm all she has left. She could never live with me, so I help her a few days a week in her apartment and get other help in since she won't consider assisted living as yet. Move your father out into a safe environment, set your boundaries, and take good care of yourself. Best of luck to you.
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Good response from geewiz.. Id also make a list of the rules that he needs to follow. [I also had a bully father and no way would I have had him stay a day with me.]
So you can go to directly to asking him to leave. OR set up 10 house hold rules. that he speak to you like he would [his doctor, best mate etc] that he do the cleaning, that he makes his bed and vacuums, puts his dirty laundry and detail how often you will wash it. that he showers and puts wet towels into the hamper etc etc. That meals will be served at *** times and he is expected to take his dishes to the sink/dishwasher.
note his failure to abide by those rules ,OR/ and do as I did with my EX, I removed my services, .... stopped ironing his shirts, keeping meals hot because he did not get home on time. doing chores that pertained to him. etc etc and I made exactly the same number of cups of tea as he made me coffee. one big fat ZERO.
Why did your Father move in with you in the first place, was it for financial reasons ??? is he paying you rent?? then up it for the extra he is putting upon you, 20% for verbal abuse 10% for cleaning up after him. 10% for no help at meal times... he will be out the door pronto. wishing you luck
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He likely won't change his personality with or without counseling as I see it..
This is a painful situation for yourself and probably your father....
The "how?" can you get him out question is merely incidental because if you have the courage to obtain an eviction order, then the main thing is how you can handle the emotional trauma in the 30 day (or whatever) waiting period.

Bottom line...You CAN do it if you do it...
Grace and Peace,

Helpful Answer (10)

Great answers here. You could also call Adult Protective Services in your state - just google those three words for your state, and self-report that you are a senior being emotionally abused by a family member. A social worker will then likely do a home safety check visit, speaking to both you and your Dad, and this will also cue him that you are setting a boundary for self protection and that you are serious. This state-funded person can then advise you on options for him and can open up the door to publicly funded services you may have a right to to help with him, which you might never otherwise know about. I would start here...they will not do anything dramatic, and they can let you know what you have a right to in terms of getting help with a solution for your Dad.
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windsor, great advice here so far. I'd like to second the counseling, call it coaching. I am not a completely different person for it, but I am more assertive and stronger than I was before. You don't have to be stuck in the role you always were. A coach will help you plan and execute these steps you need to take. Wishing you well.
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It is very hard to be a "senior" yourself and have a parent who looks at you and thinks you're still 30! Yesterday at Mother's I commented that my back was really sore from helping her walk around last weekend. She said "But you're so STRONG!" Yes, comparatively, I guess. Then I pointed out to her that my oldest child will be 40 in a few months. She looked so shocked--it really had NEVER occurred to her that I was also aging.
Being tough with a grouchy or mean parent is such a reversal of roles (although I can't say I was particularly grouchy with my kiddoes) We're never really prepared for it.
Be tough--be prepared to hear him be angry and hostile, but don't give in. I've watched my brother age 40 years in the last 20, caring for Mother. It was his CHOICE and it remains his CHOICE to have her at his home, but I would not be surprised if she outlives him. Take care of you!!
Helpful Answer (7)

"You have to take care of yourself"
Grrrrr....I get so frustrated when someone says that to me. Your right about it being a platitude. It no longer has meaning. People say it to placate you and to make themselves feel better. If it came from the heart with intent it would come out as "what can I do to help so you can get a break"
Don't hear that very often, if at all.
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I hope you take heed to these good suggestions. You also could benefit from an objective therapist. Because you knew up front the type of person/father he was but yet you let him move in with you. This shows a clear lack of boundaries and perhaps a lack of self worth. I say this with a kind heart but if you couldn't say "no" to him then, you need help being firm and strong in the future. Getting clear on what your rights are and thatnYOU have a right to be happy and not stressed too. He is an adult and can live with the consequences of his behavior. I always think to myself the quote Dr. Phil made famous..."we teach people how to treat us". Get your big girl panties on and go forth, can do it!!
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