My mother’s depression and her current state is really upsetting me. She has had multiple heart procedures and can no longer walk. She is rightfully depressed. She still needs another heart procedure. She has basically given up. I feel really bad for her but this is really hard for me too. Her and I would talk multiple times a day about many things. Now I call her twice a day to check on her. Our conversations are barely a minute in length. I feel helpless. I am scared about losing her. I am scared to call her or scared when my Dad calls me. Scared what life will be like without her. My Father and Mother care for my mentally disabled Aunt and when my Mothers time comes I am certain my aunt will need to move in with me. Not sure I can handle taking care of her but there is no one else. I am in my early forties. Why do these problems make me feel so young and dumb, I am a bit lost. None of my siblings are of any help. My Father has to go back to work soon. He will take care of my mother and Aunt during the day and I will cover the evening/nights. She is so very stubborn. My question... I am not sure, I just needed to vent.

IMO and I saying this from my heart, it may be time for Mom to place your Aunt. Has Mom ever thought that maybe her heart problems could be caused by stress taking care of your Aunt. And, its not fair to Dad to be caring for two people.

I would start a Medicaid application and find a nice LTC facility for Aunt. Usually people with mental challenges have Dementia too. I know not what Mom wants to do but what will happen to the Aunt if Mom passes. No, you should not take on her care. Its really not your responsibility so never promise it. You have ur life to live. There are options for your Aunt.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29

Remove the thought of taking care of your Aunt from your mind immediately. It's not your job or your place to take on such an enormous role, nor are you QUALIFIED to do such a thing! That's what I always say about my mother who lives in a Memory Care ALF: I am not qualified to care for her at ALL! There are 3 teams of 24/7 caregivers on staff to care for her; how could I DO that, all alone by myself? Your Aunt will need either a group home for the mentally disabled once she can no longer live with your folks, or something similar. Once you make up your mind that you will NOT be her caregiver, that's one less burden for your mind to be consumed with.

Your mother. I'm sorry she's having these heart problems, that's a tough thing to go through, I know. My husband just had triple bypass surgery and then lung surgery 2 weeks later, and a pacemaker placed a year beforehand. Attitude is everything, however, and whether your mother has the 'right' to be depressed or not isn't the point. She needs to be optimistic and hear uplifting advice about her prognosis. Maybe getting her an electric scooter would lift her spirits, too. Anti depressants often help as well. Help your mother be a fighter!

That said, the fear of losing a parent is real and the inevitability of it is guaranteed. It's how life works, I'm afraid. Get some grief counseling for yourself and into a support group even, including but not limited to this one here at AgingCare.

Come here to vent anytime. We all 'get it'; we all have elders we're caring for or worrying about, and it's not easy. We suffer loss, all of us, to one degree or another, and it hurts. Take life one day at a time and remember: It's up to YOU what you decide to take on (or not take on) moving forward.

Best of luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to lealonnie1

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. It can be distressing when the ones who raised us are showing signs of decline. But, please know that you are in no way responsible for your mom's care, nor your aunts. You have your whole life ahead of you, to live and enjoy. Your mom and dad will figure things out when and if the time comes, so let them. Dad probably needs to start looking into hiring some home health aides to assist your mom overnight if needed, as again, that should not be, or is your responsibility. And again, if and when the time comes, your aunt should be placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs.
So take a deep breath, and get to living and enjoying your life!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to funkygrandma59

You are not the only option to provide care. It is obvious that you do not want to be the caregiver and that is OK! Caregiving only works if you WANT to do it. Otherwise you will begin to feel trapped and resentful. Then you will be no value to anyone.

Dad could bring in an overnight caregiver. Maybe you would be willing to do a couple of nights each week? Figure our what you want and are willing to do. Establish that boundary. And stick to it.

There are assisted living and nursing home and memory care facilities.

What do YOU want?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to gladimhere

I would not take on this care that you wish not to take on. Your have your own life and you have a right to your own life. Your mother may need to go into care when your father cannot care for her adequately. Please allow your mother to make decisions for herself ongoing now. Often procedures do not add to the length or the quality of our lives. If she wishes now to be palliative care that should be her right. You are grown. You will grieve. But that is in the normal passage of life cycle. Get the professional help you need to work through this.
You sound fearful and I think rightly so. I think you are anticipating taking on more care than you are capable of giving, able to provide, and that you realize you would be sacrificing your own life in doing this. Listen to your better angels as they try to explain to you that you are human, hence have limitation in what you are capable of. There is utterly NO shame in that. I am so sorry for all the grief. I am sorry as well that your father is burdening you now with the care of your Mom. He, it seems, may be in denial of how long he can go on doing this care.
This is so sad, and it is worth grieving, worth tears. But you must not give up your life to it. IMHO.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Edisdepressed Jan 2, 2021
Thank you very much for your response!!
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