I often think of how unfair this situation is. Never mind that some universal "fairness" doesn't exist. It's not as if shouting into the night "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!" is ever going to result in situations improving.
What I mean when I say "not fair" is that my parents had their time and chance to be my age already. They did what they wanted, no elders or children to take care of anymore so it was THEIR life to do as they pleased. They didn't have to wipe their parent's rear end, plead with them to bathe, deal with the rashes they got from NOT bathing, deal with their complaining, inability to do anything independently or even make their own meals. They, comparatively speaking, were carefree. They never knew this prison. They never knew the feeling of pouring your entire life into the care of someone else who is never, ever, ever going to gain abilities. Yes, they had children but children develop abilities. As long as I take care of these two it will be downhill all the way.
I resent this. I resent the hell out of it. They had their chance. They had their lives to live freely and without guilt...the same guilt heaped on me by them and my siblings. It's hard most days to not feel like some pathetic patsy who is stuck in a hell of her own making. I could easily cart them off to an assisted living place but then there's the guilt. And instilling guilt is the one talent they were masters of. Boy, could they dish it out.
Here it is, Christmas Eve, regular caregiver has the day off (all the holidays off, in fact) and I'm here begging my mother to go to the bathroom instead of having an accident in bed. And the fill in caregiver will do her best but she doesn't know this situation and doesn't know my mother has to be reminded that she needs help cleaning herself. And she refuses to let anyone help her. So what do I do? Sit and wait for her to develop sores from rashes due to uncleanliness? Does ANYBODY want their epitaph to read "Died because she refused to wipe her ass"? Well, that's where she's headed.
I don't even know if I have a question here. I'm just tired. Tired of being underappreciated, tired of having a compassionless life. All expectations and no thanks for what I do. My sibs are judgmental, full of opinions and criticism and selfish as hell. They are NO help whatsoever on any meaningful level. And they can't understand how, when asked what I want for Christmas, my answer is COVID. And I'm almost positive I'm only 50% kidding about that.
My holiday wish for everyone here is going to sound ghastly and horrible but I'm making it anyway. I hope that next year at this time, we're all free of our current miseries. If our LOs have passed, let it be painless and fast and in their sleep. If they haven't passed...well, I've got nothing here. If they haven't passed on I hope we're at least a little less miserable than this year.
We'll get through these holidays, warriors. Best to all of you :)