I often think of how unfair this situation is. Never mind that some universal "fairness" doesn't exist. It's not as if shouting into the night "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!" is ever going to result in situations improving.
What I mean when I say "not fair" is that my parents had their time and chance to be my age already. They did what they wanted, no elders or children to take care of anymore so it was THEIR life to do as they pleased. They didn't have to wipe their parent's rear end, plead with them to bathe, deal with the rashes they got from NOT bathing, deal with their complaining, inability to do anything independently or even make their own meals. They, comparatively speaking, were carefree. They never knew this prison. They never knew the feeling of pouring your entire life into the care of someone else who is never, ever, ever going to gain abilities. Yes, they had children but children develop abilities. As long as I take care of these two it will be downhill all the way.
I resent this. I resent the hell out of it. They had their chance. They had their lives to live freely and without guilt...the same guilt heaped on me by them and my siblings. It's hard most days to not feel like some pathetic patsy who is stuck in a hell of her own making. I could easily cart them off to an assisted living place but then there's the guilt. And instilling guilt is the one talent they were masters of. Boy, could they dish it out.
Here it is, Christmas Eve, regular caregiver has the day off (all the holidays off, in fact) and I'm here begging my mother to go to the bathroom instead of having an accident in bed. And the fill in caregiver will do her best but she doesn't know this situation and doesn't know my mother has to be reminded that she needs help cleaning herself. And she refuses to let anyone help her. So what do I do? Sit and wait for her to develop sores from rashes due to uncleanliness? Does ANYBODY want their epitaph to read "Died because she refused to wipe her ass"? Well, that's where she's headed.
I don't even know if I have a question here. I'm just tired. Tired of being underappreciated, tired of having a compassionless life. All expectations and no thanks for what I do. My sibs are judgmental, full of opinions and criticism and selfish as hell. They are NO help whatsoever on any meaningful level. And they can't understand how, when asked what I want for Christmas, my answer is COVID. And I'm almost positive I'm only 50% kidding about that.
My holiday wish for everyone here is going to sound ghastly and horrible but I'm making it anyway. I hope that next year at this time, we're all free of our current miseries. If our LOs have passed, let it be painless and fast and in their sleep. If they haven't passed...well, I've got nothing here. If they haven't passed on I hope we're at least a little less miserable than this year.
We'll get through these holidays, warriors. Best to all of you :)
You are correct. Fairness doesn't figure. Were we living in Ethiopia or Syria today that would be quite clear to us.
I do want to make one thing clear. Much of this is choice for you. You are choosing to have your elders live with you. I spent my career as a nurse and I loved it; most patients who spent any time in hospitals were elderly. I loved them. Easy to love three days a week for 8 hour shifts with 12 holidays a year and four weeks vacation plus excellent salary (Bay area nurses have it REALLY good). However, it has been clear my entire life that I have limitations that would preclude my being in care of my own or any other elders 24/7.
We often hear "They make too much money" or "They make too little money" or any number of other reasons why our elders cannot be in care. The other things we hear are "guilt" (as tho we are felons for wanting our own lives) and "obligation". The third thing we hear is "I promised Dad" or "I promised Mom". What we almost never hear is "It is my CHOICE to give care in my own home". Sadly, that is the truth.
Is it not always easy to accept that we are not Saints, but human beings with both limitations and rights to our own lives. It is not always easy to take the responsibility to act in our own behalf and to take the "judgements" others will put upon us for doing so. But really it is the only "answer" in a world short on answers.
I wish you the best. I encourage you to seek professional help of a good counselor (licensed social workers are the best when trained in the whole life passages adaptation). Your feelings, your exhaustion, your anger are trying to tell you that you have neared the end in what you are able to tolerate. Please act to protect yourself; you deserve your own advocacy for your own life.
May 2021 bring better things for all of us!
My mother desperately did not want to go into assisted living. But I desperately did not want to spend 7+ years hanging around her state and city to be available on a moment's notice in case she fell or needed something at the store or couldn't figure out her computer or remote.
Yes, I was resentful. My mother had 20+ years of carefree retirement traveling, partying, and enjoying herself while her parents took care of themselves and each other many states away. And no, siblings barely helped at all. They wanted Mom to have her wish to stay in her comfortable home and be cared for there, but they didn't want to help very much. I got a few shreds of appreciation, but mainly people feel justified in letting the whole burden fall on one sibling. They view it as somehow ordained. They're grateful that you are available and free to take this on because they're certainly not.
I can only suggest that you start respecting you own need to step back and draw boundaries around your willingness to help. If your parents can afford assisted living, they should be there. Maybe nobody else can see the unfairness of the situation, but you can. So you have to act. You can't tell anybody else what to do, but you have every right to decide what you will and won't do. Keep reminding yourself of that. Your family will make other arrangements only when forced to. It's up to you to make that happen.
Oh how I could kick myself. I am thankful about one thing though, that I got her her OWN place (200 feet away) and my guest room is not an option. Selfish Piper now rules the day, because the FIRST incident that proves my mother can not live alone she goes into a care facility. My siblings can watch while their inheritance dwindles away when I write that big check every month to the facility.
My point in telling you that, is that life sometimes really isn't fair, but it is what we choose to make of it, and from what I'm reading, this position that you're in, is of your choosing. Only you can make the changes to get your life back to where you want it to be. You say that you will have guilt if you place them in a facility, but honestly you're going to have guilt if you continue to give up your life and live in misery for years to come, probably more so than if you put them where they belong. No where is it written that children have to take care of their parents in their home when they age. You must do what's best for you and your family first, and then your parents second. I pray that in the new year to come that you will have the courage to make the necessary changes to get your life back, along with your joy. God bless you.
It amazes me that she has no concept of the burden she is in my life. I'll never understand. Like WHY isn't she thinking that maybe she should live in an ALF with memory care when needed? Why would she RATHER burden me? I have so much respect for the parents out there that prepare and move to ALF when they start to decline.
But as you say, "fairness" doesn't really exist as a rule, and this victim mentality I seem to be stuck in is getting old and is pathetic. Even if we were manipulated into taking on more care than we want, I think we have to remember that going forward we need to be assertive and make choices that work for us.
My advice to you is to please not feel guilty about placing your mom into care. I'm sorry but if she can't wipe her own ass then she needs professional care. I've already decided that I'm not doing anything more than I am doing right now. Meaning when my mom needs help with ADLs or safety issues come up being alone I will dig my heels in and refuse to do it. I know there are unspoken expectations that I will do more as needed -- NOPE.
The one thing about my resentment at getting manipulated into this is I will not have a problem saying NO in the future. I've been burned once, it won't happen again.
My advice is for you to start thinking about a plan for getting your mom into a care facility, and do it. A place close to you so you can visit as often as you want, but still be able to go home to sanity and your own life.
I have the same holiday wish as you. Merry Christmas my friend.
Thank you!!
"modern medicine' really keeps people going far past their 'happy date'. It's sad to me how many people had good relationships with their elders and as the elders aged, all the issues with being sick and old seem to erase the fond memories that were from the past.
With 2 mothers in their 90's, both kind of angry and not in great health, we are constantly aware of their needs. We long since quit not taking vacations, etc due to worrying about them possibly dying while we're gone. Just now Dh said "Oh, crap, did you get my mother something for Christmas?" Duh. I told him back in MAY I was done with her. Haven't seen or talked to her in 10 months. He never buys her a gift, leaving that to me.
Probably get her a lump of coal and call it good. In truth, he will get her nothing and then feel incredible guilt.
My parents did not have to caregive for their parents. Mom did one post surgery bout with her mom, but Gma was at her own home and we all pitched in and it wasn't hard at all. As soon as Gma knew she was 'on the way out' she checked herself into a pre-selected NH and lasted about a week.
My DH is retiring this year. Has no plans but to sleep all day, and he has proven that he in fact, can do that and is totally content to do so. His take is that when he retires, so do I.
How many wives find that a retired spouse is like having a recalcitrant teenager living with them? I absolutely dread this year--hoping against hope he retires, then accepts contract work from his company. They literally cannot get along without him.
Exhausted--sounds like you need to move mom to a better place for her care. What good are you to her being totally burned out? Maybe if you arent' 100% responsible for her anymore you can regain some semblance of a relationship. 2020 has been so weird---praying fervently that 2021 is much better.
Get Mom evaluated. Maybe Office of Aging can help here. Make it plain, you cannot care for her any longer. Outside help is not working. Get her into a nice LTC facility. And don't allow yourself to feel guilty. And this is from someone who could be made to feel guilty. At 71, no more. When I get that "twing", I push it to the back of my mind. Out of 3 surviving children, I was the only one who did for my Mom. I knew when i brought her to my home, it was not going to be permanent. I lack patience and get overwhelmed easily. I am not a caregiver. When the house didn't sell, I placed Mom in an AL with the money she had. When it ran out, she was pretty much in the final stages of Dementia so placed her in a nice LTC. She lived 5 more months, declining more and more. She was 89.
Think about it, it took 3 shifts of aides to care for my Mom. These aides do a 8/12 hour shift and they get to go home. Same with the staff. They walk out that door and leave the job behind. Believe me, when you place Mom into an LTC a burden will be taken off your shoulders. They provide everything but her clothing. You can have them do her laundry. I did Moms in the beginning but noted the residents were clean and no smells. So, I switched to them doing Moms clothes. Then you can just visit. And you can set that schedule. I only went about a half hour a day when Mom was up the Street at the AL. Every other day when in the NH. She had Dementia and had no idea when and if I had been there. The visiting was more for me. To make sure everything was OK. Hospice was done at the NH. When Hospice was not there, the staff cared for Mom.
What we "owe" our parents is to be clean, fed and cared for. If it means someone else does the caring thats OK.
The guilt you think you will feel if you place your parents in a facility has a far lower cost than the toll caregiving is taking on you. You have a right to your life, you need to take back control of it.
I made the decision to not provide any hands on care for either of my parents quite a while ago. They were abusive and continue to be so. I refuse to put myself in the line of fire.
The generation above them all lived into the 80's and 90's but never required care, so neither of my parents have been care givers. Mum went on a 6 week trip overseas when my Granny was dying. Granny encouraged her to go, she knew that Mum could not prevent her from dying.
Your wish for others is to be free of the misery of caring, right? This isn't the life you planned and it isn't the life they planned. In fact, no caregiver or parent planned for this in their later years. Did they have an opportunity to have a good life and plan for a worry free retirement? If they did, shame on them. If not, their future falls in your lap. But all of this “fairness” rests in your hands. In a single move you can provide them with the care they need and provide yourself with relief from your burden.
Do you think your parents want you to feel miserable, resentful, guilty about caring for them? I don't know maybe they do... I'm just asking. Those of us who have over extended our care giving ability (of whom I was one) have at some time or another wished either we or our LO would just die. That's really not a good solution is it? So start looking for an ALF and give yourself and your parents a better life.
If I sound angry, I'm really not. It was long ago and far away in my life. Still, when I hear stories like ExhaustedOne's, it all comes back to me, and I can totally relate. That's about all I have to offer on this forum now, but at least I can do that.
My feisty Irish grandmother “died” when her beloved spouse, 10 years older than she, died in a fall, but her body lived on for 10 years longer.
She was total care for 4 or 5 of those years, and all of us, even my late teen year old self, took turns caring for her 24/7/365. Would I have preferred to have lost the years when she was lively and funny and caring? Not for one minute.
And now, her youngest baby, at 92, is my responsibility as well, having survived Covid TWICE, beyond my hugs and jokes and encouragement butI hope that SOON I will be able to hug HER and tell her to eat her ice cream and that her baby great great grand nieces and nephews are thriving and waiting to see her again.
Pleased do what you can if you have a moment to do some tiny little nice thing for yourself and accept my hopes that your world becomes sweeter and more peaceful during this coming New Year. You deserve to feel better, and I hope that you will soon.
I placed my parents in a wonderful AL back in 2014, without one ounce of guilt, and it was the best decision I've ever made for ALL of us. Would do it again in a heartbeat, rather than sacrifice MY life for no good reason.
Think about it.
My grandmother lived with us; my mother will tell you my father forced the situation, that she herself didn't want her mother living with us. Mom and grandma fought like cats & dogs, ruined MY childhood, and all for what? Mom thought she was doing grandma a 'favor' by having her live with us, but in reality, we ALL suffered a huge price for it, including grandma! Mom wound up shipping grandma off after 2 decades, to another state where her sisters could care for her, and the sisters shipped grandma off to a nursing home in short order.
In the end, you need to do what's right for YOU, my friend. Consider that you've already done enough and that it's okay to take your life back now. When you would prefer to get COVID over living the life you've chosen to live, you KNOW it's time to change SOMETHING.
Wishing you all the best of luck moving forward.
of town specialist appointment for stepdad, stopped and purchased a wheelchair for him and spent three weeks driving her to and from the hospital, because she will not drive in metropolitan areas. I drove her home for a weekend. The minute we arrived, she complained that the grandchildren had not mowed and edged her lawn properly. I live 4 hours away. I left my family and job to basically take care of her husband and be her servant. Neither of my parents would have gone to this extent for their parents. I am truly baffled for choosing to make those choices! What was I thinking or trying to prove?? I have learned a lot about myself and my capabilities and limitations over the past two years.
We were pretty much in the same boat with my mom also. She would refuse to get a bath for weeks at a time and refuses to let anyone help her with anything. If I would even ask to go in the bathroom with her it would just cause a fight and finally just gave up. I’m sure she’s not getting the care she needs nor does she want it. We were dealing with dementia even though we never got an official diagnosis because all the COVID started and just got tired of arguing with her all the time. She always would say we are picking on her when we would ask her to do something she didn’t want to do. We are still dealing and have no placement but hoping it happens soon
Best of luck in your journey and know you are not alone.....
You've done your time in caregiver prison with no help from your siblings. Your sentence is now done. Put her in a home. Most of us totally understand the resentment and anger you're having because in truth it really is not fair and you are getting cheated. The elderly of today who we are caring for did not have to become caregivers to their parents because elderly then did not live to the point where they became ornery and abusive infants that had to be cared for 24 hours a day. Don't sacrifice your life because you can be guilted into believing that your life belongs to your elderly parents and should be spend in servitude to them. It doesn't. I want you to think about this. When you are old and looking back on your life, will you be glad that you missed out on so much of it because you spent it in servitude to ingrate seniors who appreciate nothing and whose sense of entitlement is so outrageous that they actually believe their own kids should become slaves to them? Because somehow it's owed to them? Don't do that to yourself and your life. Find an assisted living facility or nursing home and take back your life.
Forget about what your siblings say or think. You need to start taking care of yourself both physically and emotionally. There is NO shame in you placing your mom in a facility.
Exhaustedone,
You need to let go of the guilt trip. I know it is so much easier said than done! You have done all that you can. You put up a good fight, now it is time to let go! It is time for you to think about you and there is no shame, no guilt in that! Have you ever looked up the word "guilt or guilty"? It implies that you are or have intentionally hurt someone or cause someone pain and that you did something wrong. You haven't done any of these things! You have been a good daughter. A good caretaker. You have done a good job and now it is time for you to fire yourself! You have reach to the end of your rope...you have gone beyond what a good child would do! No one (Drs & researchers) ever thinks about what they really are doing by prolonging life. The consequences it will have. The unfairness that it brings!
I really think if you had a friend telling you this story (your story) you would tell them the same thing we are telling you. It is time for your parents to go to AL!! Trust me, if my mother had the money she would be in AL faster than a New York minute! I would not feel one bit of guilt! I am Done!!! I am over the guilt trips! I am over taking care of someone who never took care of me! I am over with caring for someone who doesn't appreciate me or what I have done! I have a new vision for what I want my life to look like and caring for my self-center, self-entitle and who wants to make my life h3ll mother is not in that vision!
Like I have told people in the past "I love you, but I love me more!" That is how you need to think about it!!
You matter...you count...you need to take care of you!
And your right...it is unfair!
Hugs!!!
They will not get better .
There are so many positive aspects of AL or a nursing facility.
They get round the clock care by staff that come in fresh every 8 hours.
You get time to yourself and time to spend with them that is positive
instead of being there24/7 and being burned out the whole time.
Its a new way to help them they will benefit you as well.
best to you
The generation your caring for did not have to deal with this horror.
it is unfair , I thought about this for 2 years while I visited my dad in a nursing facility until he passed from Covid. He was dying but I kept fighting for him and killing myself with daily visits and constantly criticizing staff. I was a different person and it took years off my life.
I was missing out on my new granddaughter and so many times I was resentful. I ended up losing my job and my personality became bitter and resentful.
Dont let this happen to you
My father in law is going on 97
and my husband is going through the same thing. My husband is diabetic and his condition has worsened due to daily visits to his dad and his sister barely helping out
You have to be able to admit you can’t do any more by yourself
Best to you
How about you ask them? Say ‘I’m reaching the end of my ability to make my life revolve around you. I’m sure you feel guilty about it too. When I stop, what do you plan to do?’ Remember, it’s their responsibility to plan for their own future. You can give them 2 or 3 options to think about, but you are NOT ‘carting them off’ anywhere. You are stopping what you are doing now, and they work out what happens next.
Nothing will change until you decide to stop what you are doing. You stop, then things change. It’s a great New Years Resolution to take back your own life!
I love what you said and I'd love to be able to agree with you. But I can't. It would be great to be able to just hand the problem back to the parent, and ask them how they plan to manage when the caregiver steps back. Unfortunately, I doubt that it will work. My mother, who had been a model of control and independence all her life, turned into a puddle of weepy helplessness at the mere suggestion that she try to handle any of her old-age issues on her own. It was thrown right back: "Well, what can I do? How will I manage? You know it's not safe for me to be left on my own!"
And I would not count on the parent feeling guilty about it either. My mother's attitude was that she could not help getting old, and needing help from her children. Our culture encourages and reinforces an attitude of entitlement on our parents' part - the belief that people's kids should step in and help them as the grow older. There's no competing norm of taking responsibility for one's own old age, or making an effort to burden one's children as little as possible. Those who claim the loudest that they never wanted to be a burden to their children may be the first to say "It's not my fault. I can't help that I need help."
Unfortunately, I think that the more of us do it, the more it becomes the norm, and the more it becomes expected that adult children will sacrifice years and even decades of their lives to caring for their elderly parents. To me that's the worst of the problem - that the trend is going the wrong way. Even as it becomes commonplace for people to survive into their children's old age, and even as demographics and career goals make parent care even more of a burden that it ever was, the expectation is becoming more and more fixed in people's minds. So when the parent grows old and can't manage their "independent" lifestyle without help, it's automatically assumed that some family member somewhere will put their own life on hold for years to help the parent through the end of theirs. I'm not endorsing this practice, not at all. I'm just telling it the way I think it is.
When the ILs were healthy, there'd be beach house trips where she'd talk about how the kids were waiting on her and that's HOW IT SHOULD BE.
FFIL's mother died in 2018 at age 103 in a home. FFIL did not upend his life for her, or insist that she move to his house, nor did he and FMIL move out there. He spent maybe two hours visiting in the last five years of her life.
Your anger and resentment isn't good for any of you, so yes, find a nice place for them (assisted living won't take someone who can't toilet themselves), and live your life.
You're responsible for making sure they're safe and cared for. You are not required to martyr yourself.
My suggestions were always met with "not yet, not now" we are at the yet now and it's all my responsibility as there is no on else to pick up the slack. In some ways am thankful for covid as it gives me the ability to be with them every day, I would have had to take family leave otherwise, they count on me for everything including translation services. I don't know if they feel any guilt but it doesn't seem like it, Not once do I get are you ok?
Set your boundaries firm and stick to them. I have both parents nearly 90. I take care of their meds, cleaning and a few meals a week. That’s it. Any personal care needs have to come from elsewhere. When either of them can’t function in their own place they will move to a facility. My boundaries stand.
but here is the deal and where the rubber meets the road. You should decide right now..are you enjoying being controlled by so called "guilt"? If not, then do as you wrote and place them in assisted living already. There is nothing written that says you must give up all semblance of a life. Guilt implies wrong doing. It is not wrong to find a place for her to live where PAID shifts of caregivers will take care of her needs. She is a human not a cancer and truly deserves to be put where she can get care and you can then return to being a daughter and getting some of your life back. This will sound tough and I don’t mean to be hard hearted but I am pragmatic....do it or don’t complain. You truly are in control of how you are going to handle this. Best of luck.