Grandfather was a "worry-wart" since forever and Grandmother would be the one to soothe him and get him out of thought loops. She died before the pandemic, and grandfather has become increasingly difficult to deal with. At first, we took things in stride but he's become more and more invasive and disrespectful.
Thankfully, they moved into AL when both Grandparents were still able-bodied, but now he constantly asks his children (my dad and 3 uncles) for him to move in with one of them. The facility is good and there's enough money left for years, so the family has explained that it's not a good idea, especially if his health declines. My dad will let him sleep over every other weekend, and all of those visits cater to Grandfather's needs alone so the rest of the family doesn't have time to relax.
Grandfather will claim to have a "panic attack" the second he is dropped at home, and then the messages start. He will post on social media that he is so alone, that he's being punished and unloved, that his children are selfish, or vague things like "help" or "scared". But then he'll delete anything that makes him look bad, usually as soon as ones of his kids comments or calls.
It feels like he's trying to manipulate his children into letting him move in (Dad said that guilt-tripping and shaming were the go-to parenting tactics). Grandfather has also threatened to kill himself multiple times over the last few years, mostly when he "feels ignore" and has not once made even a small attempt in his whole life. He is also on anti-depressants. These threats will always be deleted within minutes.
When Dad asks why he says such horrible things, Grandfather just dismisses it with "I was emotional" or "I just want to spend time with you". He will apologize but in a backhanded way: "Sorry I'm such a terrible person" or "I'm sorry I'm in so much pain".
The current stance of the family is to ignore the messages, but it's causing stress. My dad feels burdened being forced with the "duty" as the eldest son again after many years of independence and will likely cut contact if it continues for long. My parents are not young and want to travel and enjoy reconnecting as a couple without kids before their own health declines.
We are thinking of reducing the visits to once a month so that Grandfather is pushed to make friends and find hobbies, and only responding once a week with robot answers: "We love you. The home is the safest place for you. Please respect our privacy and we will see you later." Any suggestions for how to continue coping?
I have talked with my dad and offered advice, and he asked me to not talk about it anymore because otherwise "It'll take over his life". I live a few hours away, so my dad wants to focus more on catching up and sharing positive events when I visit. He seems tired of the situation. I've chosen to respect this choice and that being a positive and relaxing influence will help my dad more than trying to "solve" issues all the time. My last piece of advice was to show my dad this website, so maybe he'll be able to find solutions by reading the forums in his own time. He asked me to write down the web address, so I'm hopeful for his sake.
For my own mental state, I've chosen to "restrict" Grandfather on social media. I do not see the posts, and the notifications lead to dead ends. Phew! I've told Grandfather I will check once a week only, and plan to reiterate that as long as it takes.
Thank you all for the detailed advice. It is greatly appreciated. I wish you all good luck!
Here is your post from today:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/has-anyone-had-success-with-behavior-therapy-dbt-for-seniors-or-other-self-help-for-struggling-famil-479284.htm
You're best off blocking him entirely on social media and leaving him be; he's safe in AL and if there's a real emergency, grandpa's POA will be notified. You can use the Grey Rock technique as suggested in my last comment, and that's it.
Bottom line is: Grandfather is DAD'S problem, not yours. Dad has asked you to step back from this whole matter, so that's what you should do. It is VERY stressful to have responsibility for a parent with issues of THIS magnitude, so it's a good idea not to add to your dad's stress by trying to be super-helpful.
Yes Grandfather has secure housing, activities & company. But what he feels, his anxiety & panic attacks could be awful for him from his perspective. He is trying to feel better & his chosen 'cure' for his problem is family.. yet the problrm will remain because it is inside HIM.
Think of it this way, even if he WAS living with family, what would this look like?
He probably wouldn't want family out of his sight? To go out? To leave him alone? He's STILL be anxious ++
Sounds like *Shadowing* behaviour.
Ask family to book him a medical checkup for psych eval, then possible grief & adjustment talk therapy or anxiety medication. Or both.
The best outcome is Grandfather can be 'soothed' by the right meds & then be able to adjust & connect better to his new life in AL.
It should be gently explained to him that the one way to get LESS attention if to keep making threats and calls, and the one way to get MORE attention is to behave himself.
At some point he may not have control. At that time it is likely to mean memory care WITHOUT a phone. But this doesn't offhand look like that to me.
I posted earlier but want to add something.
Your grandfather’s behavior is repetitive. It isn’t a ‘one off’ thing. Anyone can have an ‘off’ day, this is clearly not him experiencing a ‘bad’ day.
I helped a neighbor that no longer drove. It wasn’t a big deal to me if she wished to tag along when I went to the store, I didn’t mind helping her out occasionally. In the beginning she was pleasant and cordial.
My neighbor started suddenly ‘not feeling well’ every time she went out with me. The first time I asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance for her. She said, “No, I will be okay.” I called her later on that evening to check on her and said that I would call her back the next day.
I noticed that every time she got in my car since then. she claimed not to feel well. She was doing this for attention because when I offered to call her daughter or 911, she declined.
I became tired of her doing this repeatedly and told her that if she wasn’t feeling well enough to go out that she could order groceries online and have them delivered.
Some people are going to make everything about themselves. They either don’t see how it affects others or they don’t care how much of a nuisance they are.
Your grandfather is behaving selfishly by wanting to live in your home on a permanent basis. He would continue his behavior, then start with his passive aggressive behavior and gaslighting tactics.
Next time he threatens to kill himself, call 911 and get him into a psych ward. That might also let him know that he shouldn’t ‘go his length’, that he can’t say whatever he wants and just get away with it. He might even think it's just good fun!
Your grandfather was placed in assisted living for appropriate reasons. His children do not wish to have him live with them. Your dad has been more than generous by allowing him to visit so often.
I wouldn’t even consider taking grandpa out of his facility, not even for a visit, let alone to live with your family on a permanent basis.
Grandpa is self centered to the max. I completely understand your frustration. How sad for your dad and his siblings and all of the grandchildren.
You say that he is on medication. Do you know if he is taking them properly?
I have a friend whose mother lives in the condo next door to her. She takes her mom to the doctor. The doctor prescribed anti anxiety and anti depressants for her mom. Guess what? Her mom doesn’t take any of the pills prescribed for her.
Have you thoroughly discussed how you feel with your dad? Maybe if he knew how much it was affecting you he would think twice before bringing grandpa back home with him.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Next time grandpa threatens to kill himself, you call 911 immediately and have him transported to the ER for a psych evaluation. I guarantee you he will never threaten to kill himself again. Threats of this kind have to be taken seriously. Otherwise, they'll never end. It's highly doubtful he'll make good on such a threat; passive/aggressive emotional manipulators are just demanding to get their WAY with such tactics, and so far, it's working beautifully. Next time, nip it in the bud and grandpa will cut the crap.
"Apologizing" in a backhanded way by saying "Sorry I'M such a terrible person" is putting the blame on your DAD for grandpa's foul behavior. Passive/aggressive behavior at it's worst. Check out this article:
https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/crazy-makers.htm
Let me guess, grandpa likes to use The Silent Treatment to get his way too, right? I know this b/c my mother was the Queen of being Passive/Aggressive and her punishment of choice was The Silent Treatment. The article I linked you to will give you some good coping mechanisms to deal with PA people.
So my mother DID develop dementia down the road, as it turned out. I strongly believe that mentally unbalanced individuals in their younger lives wind up developing dementia in their elder lives, for some reason. I have no scientific proof of that; just an observation I've made with family members and others over the years. There seems to be a tie in between mental illness/instability and dementia. Especially if grandpa is stuck in 'thought loops' which is a hallmark of dementia. But he can't be too far along b/c he's able to use computers and social media, etc.
So I would definitely cut OUT the sleepovers and stick to your guns about the once a month visits, don't respond to the negative social media pleas for attention, and stick to your robotic answers which is a good idea. In fact, I'd block him entirely on social media so you can't even see the gibberish he posts for attention. There's also a technique known as Grey Rock to use with narcissistic or manipulative type personalities who are energy vampires and suck you dry. Here is a link explaining how to utilize this method of ignoring someone with Grey Rock:
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock
You basically act like a big grey rock and do and say NOTHING, just sit there like a blob while they try their best to get a REACTION out of you, which would be grandpa.
Wishing you the best of luck nipping grandpa in the bud with all of his manipulation techniques.