Is there a systemic reason why all of us caregivers are suffering so much? And what can we do to change it?
Dear fellow caregivers,
This morning I came across an opinion piece from the British newspaper "The Guardian" (https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/may/25/family-carers-hidden-face-care-crisis-ed-davey), and it really hit home, even for me as a EU citizen who does not suffer the consequences of caring for a loved one to the same extent as most US-citizens do.
Still: even here in Europe caregiving is a topic nobody really wants to talk about. It is complicated, unsexy and most of all costly. I guess that in all western societies we are more or less in the same boat when it comes to caregiving to the elders, since it is considered a private, not a societal problem.
I do not want this to become a politically partisan (left-right) topic, but I guess we all agree that we receive too little help/ appreciation/ financial compensation for the non-paid service we are providing for the greater good of society out of love/guilt/responsibility. We are the ones where the bucket stops, who are supposed to ensure basic care for our loved ones, who pay out of our own pockets and who step in when the rest of the family more or less vanishes, often to our own disadvantage, personally, financially and often even regardless of our own health.
Not all of us, but most of us are women. We were educated to value the well-being of others above our own from an early age. To put the needs of others before our own. While following these values was at least widely recognized in earlier (religion-based) times we are nowadays (in neoliberal value systems) considered as losers who are not contributing to our countries' GNP, despite our unpaid service to society.
The problem is not going away but over the next decades for demographic reasons will only be increasing, when the Boomer generation will retire and need care. Me as a GenXer I have no illusions about being cared for in old age but hope for a good dose of morphine to at least enjoy a painless death.
My parents both have died over the last 1-2 years, but I still suffer from the financial, social and psychological repercussions from my 5 years of caregiving. So I wonder if there could be another way instead of one generation (unwillingly) having to devour the next one.
I'd love to hear any suggestions from you!
Love, Unkraut
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Love
Unkraut
Yes, I thought as well this might be rather a topic for the discussion section. So I am not at all against my question being transferred there.
As you mentioned the problem of care is clearly connected to the demographical shift. But both are mainly deriving from women rejecting to accept non-paid care work while being financially dependent of their husband's good-will anymore (starting from hormonal contraception in the 60s - a reason why already the late boomers reproduced less).
The other reason is the pharma industry having contributed to elderly folks to live longer and longer. While caring for an elderly relative in the 1950's lasted in average 6-10 months until their death nowadays the span of caring for old parents lasts rather 6-10 years.
So many of today's women experience a stretch of unpaid care work over 20-30 years, starting with childcare in their 30s and blending into care for the elderly in their late 40s to 50s without any break.
For myself I did not take on direct 24/7 caregiving. As an RN I learned early on I was not mentally, physically, emotionally able to do 24/7 care for anyone. My family had no expectations of such a sacrifice and would not have allowed it, nor would I allow my child to do that.
I would say that there is, however, no way to avoid the pain and loss that family stands witness to when their parents, spouses, siblings become ill and aged. There are many times in life when we have difficult issues to face, and this is certainly one of the most difficult of all.
I would say the one thing that we do learn here on AC is that it take a lifetime of good luck, good timing, good savings habits, determination and good jobs to come to a place where one is "self insured" and able to afford decent care. To pay for the care of a relative is to make one's self not only UNSAFE in age, but dependent on family who may or may not be able to afford contributing to care.
There are many issues afoot here. Part of it is medical community and a failure to address with elders exactly what prolonging life at any cost and risk amounts to. Elders often fail to appoint family qualified to act as POA, avoid making wills (which should be done when young) and advance directives, and fail to speak with doctors about catastrophic illnesses.
The government currently spends much much much more money on Medicare, Medi-cal and Defense than on anything else. How long it can sustain the costs when the younger generation isn't having as many children as past generations, is a question for the future; I will be long dead. All of my grandchildren range from 20 to 34. There are four in my combined family with my partner. Not only do they not one have children nor have married, but they have no intention of doing either.