Is putting a mirror in front of my mother to show her how she is eating considered shaming?

My LO was pretty much always a fast, messy eater who would belch very unapologetically and didn't often use good manners. However, lately, I peeked in her NH room and saw her eating. She had stabbed a large piece of meat with her fork and was gnawing at it. This was bad - even for her. I had the staff telling me she was spilling stuff and really making a mess of things at meal times. Due to this and a few other observations we had, we did have a neuro eval with additional tests pending. I also requested a mental health assessment as well as a competency assessment, since I suspect there are multiple things going wrong at the same time. I don't think putting a mirror in front of my LO would change much.

I would not use the mirror. I'd have her evaluated by her doctor for possible medical reasons and for grief. She may also need an eye exam.

My husband passed away 8 months ago. I am living alone for the first time in my life and took his passing much harder that I ever considered I would. I am a strong person and I was his 24/7 caregiver. He was sick for 20 years but only required round the clock care for the last 3 years. Two points: (1) When he died I slept as much as I could - because I was totally exhausted and because I didn't want to think or take care of the issues resulting from his death. [I later learned that was avoidance and would prolong the grief process.] My personal hygiene was lacking. I didn't want to leave the house. Since no one was here to make me eat I didn't. When I began eating I often ate crackers and made a mess. I really didn't care. No one saw my mess and eventually I'd clean it up. Everyone grieves in their own time and way. She is probably still going through this process.
(2) My experience with my husband, both eating and drinking, began many years ago and worsened continually. He didn't always know he had food on his face or sleeve or in his chair (if we couldn't get him to the table). We adapted. Turvis tumblers with lids (some you drink from and some you use a straw) for drinking and broth. When he was eating or drinking coffee we used very large bed pads which covered his chest and lap. I was never able to find the brand but they were made such that burns were prevented. When I ran out of them I used towels or whatever I had available. I gently told my husband he had food on his chin or all around his mouth or whatever, and if he couldn't take care of it I did. When he spilled something I wiped it up and got him another drink. It was not easy. I was afraid he would quit eating. My husband was embarrassed about the way he ate. We went out to eat weekly before he realized what was happening when he ate. Once he realized it we never went out again.

I hope something I said helps you or someone else. I assume you are her caregiver. If I'm correct, you may be experiencing burnout and you may want to look into that topic. I am very sorry for the loss of your father and I wish you and your mother the very best.

Just a thought, the stroke could be causing eye/hand coordination problems. Again, she needs to see her neurologist to see if she is declining or had another stroke. Maybe therapy would help.

My DHAunt has off and on “picked” her skin. She at one time had several scabs on her ears, face, nose. When someone would ask her about it, she would offhandedly say, oh I did that to myself. Once I handed her a mirror and showed her what she was doing. She started crying and said “I don’t want to do that to myself”. I got it immediately. She couldn’t help it. I was the one shamed.

We, as the family are on a learning curve, trying to figure things out as we go along. It’s good that you posted. Hopefully you will be able to figure this out.

My mom after a fall had started using her left hand to eat. I asked her why. She said her right arm wouldn’t work. She had the “drop arm” test. Then X-rays. Turns out her rotator cuff was like gone. For the rest of her life she had to do therapy in order to use her right arm.

Another old auntie lay in bed crying, “My Heart, My Heart”. Her husband had just died. They were so devoted to one another. We thought she was crying for him. Turns out, years later we learned she had actually had a heart attack.

I’m sorry for the loss of your dad. I hope you can get your mom help.

Dear OP, every answer so far has assumed that your mother can’t help making the mess. Perhaps you don’t think that’s true. It would be good to talk gently to her about it, and see what she says. You need to get beyond ‘I just don’t care any more’.

You could try a couple of options. I think there are adult sizes of the plastic bibs with a little trough, that are widely used for toddlers. That could be a better way to keep her clean, with rinse off rather than wash. You could also try sitting beside her at the table, or giving her meals separately, so that you don’t have to watch something that obviously upsets you.

Some elders are indeed capable of deliberate ‘games’ that get them more attention, and that’s a different matter from something she can’t help. You may know her past well enough to guess whether it’s a possibility.

And after that, yes, she does need a new medical evaluation. You need to know for the increased sleeping and bowel issues, as well as the eating mess.

Limit the types of foods she eats and how much you give her in one sitting. I'm going to assume that if she has to wear a bib when she eats that she isn't preparing and serving her own meals. That's within your control.
If she doesn't eat at the table but insists on eating on the sofa which is absolutely disgusting, get waterproof nylon or plastic covers for it. At least that will prevent food and ants collecting in the upholstery.
You should not put a mirror in front of her at meal times because that won't help anything and will be hurtful. When she has food all over her face, hands, and arms just speak clearly and plainly to her.
Tell her when she has food all over herself then give her some napkins or moist wipes and TELL her to clean herself up. If she needs you to help with cleaning her up, then help.
Do not start spoon-feeding her like an infant though. True it will cut back on the mess, but it will quickly regress her into infant behavior. That's the worst thing you could do for her. If she can still get food to her own mouth, let her keep that small independence no matter how messy it gets. Always try to preserve some level of independence no matter how small. Limit the types and amounts of food you give her and it will reduce the mess.

Sadly may be time for placement.

RJonasen, supporting and emphasizing what others wrote, a stroke could be the cause of her changes.   Where was the stroke?   How serious was it?   What specific repercussions are there?

The inability to avoid food on her face and hands suggests to me that she may have compromised arms, or even hand and finger movement.  

I think that a mirror would really be close to "shaming" and embarrassing.   I'd nix that idea and figure out how you might be able to help her adapt to her current situation.    She may be frustrated with the change in her situation, but be unable to express it, or control hand movements.

Research strokes and specifically the areas affected on your mother, and try to find adaptations.   Check with local hospitals to see if they have support groups for stroke patients.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. To see your beloved mother deteriorate so much be heart wrenching.

Try to remember that she is not choosing to be like this. Seeing her should draw out your compassion, not your disgust.

What would you do to a toddler? You’d shrug the mess off, wipe their face, and not think badly on the child for making a mess. Really, your mother is in the same boat now.

Try to think and act kindly to her. She’s not doing it to spite you.

Putting a mirror in front of her is not going to help. If her making such a mess bothers you so, why don't you take the time to feed her? That way she and her bibs will stay clean. She's obviously is showing signs of mental decline or even some mini strokes. I would have her checked out by her neurologist.

Your Mom has had a stroke. Your Dad dying has probably caused some decline. Sounds to me there is some Dementia here. She could have had another stroke or is having small ones. I agree, she need to see a neurologist.

You’re making the connection here between your Dad’s death and her behavior. Do you think her behavior’s deliberate? Depression can present as dementia, or exacerbate it if it’s already present. She should be taken to see her physician to determine if this is a new symptom of her decline and she’s progressing, or related to depression. It’s unlikely that attempting to make her recognize her messiness if she’s struggling to eat would be helpful. Perhaps if you feel that you are becoming overwhelmed at meal times you should consider having an aide in who could assist your mother.

Does your mom have cognitive issues or did she have a previous stroke that she is unable to get a good lip seal?

I only ask as after my moms stroke we used mirrors while eating - swallowing and doing speech exercises. But that was after the speech therapist worked with her.

Do you notice any issues while she is eating - maybe ask for in home health speech evaluation who can rule out any swallowing or cognitive issues that could be causing some of this.

Are there medical conditions that would make it difficult for your mom to wipe her hands, or get food on her face? (You mention in your profile that she has had a stroke. This can cause many problems with fine motor skills, eating problems, problems swallowing.
Is there also a possibility that your mom has dementia? Often can be a problem after strokes. Commonly called Vascular Dementia. It is also possible that your dad was "covering up" a lot of the decline with your mom.
I would get her to the doctor, a Neurologist or a Neuropsychologist for an evaluation.
Yes putting a mirror up is shaming her particularly if she can not help what is happening.
Why not help her? smaller portions. foods that she can eat more easily.
Place a cover on the sofa so that crumbs and spills can be cleaned up easily. OR encourage eating at the table only and not in other parts of the house.

Of course it's shaming, what other point could there possibly be in doing this?

From what you describe your mother is having real difficulty eating and caring for herself and you don't seem to feel able to deal with it. That's OK, some people have a hard time accepting that their parents are no longer capable and are not equipped to care for them in that way. Bottom line though is that your mother's needs are increasing and somebody needs to care for her in a non judgmental way by coming up with strategies to help her eat more easily and keep herself and her surroundings clean and sanitary. So what is the plan?

Yes, putting up a mirror 'so she can see what she looks like while she eats' is a shaming technique, for certain. I would assume your mother is unable to help the fact that she gets food all over herself when she eats.......what exactly is her health status that such a thing would occur? And that she requires the use of bibs when she eats? Does she suffer from dementia or a neurological disease of some kind?

My mother has advanced dementia & very poor hand to eye coordination in addition to loss of strength in her hands; she therefore cannot grip a fork properly & makes a mess when she eats. She can't help it, even though it's not a pleasant sight to behold.

Your mother may not have been like this while your dad was alive because that was 4 months ago & she may have declined after his passing, as is common after such a huge loss.

My thought is that you should get your mother evaluated by her PCP to determine what's going on with her, medically, before you do anything else. My hunch is that she's declined mentally as well as physically and may need to be treated with patience and a bit more tolerance, which I know is difficult. I have a tough time watching my mother eat too.......but she lives in a Memory Care AL so I don't have to witness it too frequently.

Wishing you the best of luck figuring out what's at the root of your mom's behavior. My condolences over the loss of your father as well.