I am the caregiver for my 89 yrs old mother I work from home 40 hrs a week I used to work nights so I didn't have to deal with her as much and I got a few hrs a late at night for my self recently got a new job which leave me with no me time whatsoever. I have two sisters and neither one seems to what to pitch in. They always have excuses, am I wrong to think they should be doing their part?

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It's not wrong to ask. But it is wrong to expect them to say yes. Your expectations are too high. It does stink to be the one that feels stuck with all the work, but we (myself included!) often say yes out of the goodness of our hearts with no idea of how this is really going to go!

If I knew 10 years ago how things were going to unfold, I would have made MUCH different choices and would NEVER have moved my parents in with me. So now I think my sister is the smart one that said NO WAY. She does allow a few day visit once a month which is great but still an imperfect "solution".

So, it's time to adjust your expectations. Expect nothing from your sisters. Get help for your mom so you can back way down. Maybe it's time for a facility for her? I'm looking into that option REAL soon for my mom.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to againx100

It is not wrong for you to ask for their help.
It is wrong for you to EXPECT that they will help.
And following that it is wrong for you to be upset with their decision.
With whatever income or assets mom has you pay for caregivers to provide the help that is needed.
If your sisters get upset by this, with what might be their inheritance going to pay for care gently remind them that this is the option that is viable for you and that moms assets are hers until she dies.
Have you tried getting your mom into Adult Day Care? It would give you a break, it would give mom a break and get mom some socialization.
Many will pick up in the morning and drop off in the late afternoon.
(sending you a PM so please check)
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Grandma1954

You aren't wrong to wish you had help.
But you are wrong if you expect others to do as you wish them to do.
The sad fact I think you already know is that the Sisters will do as they wish to do with their own lives. You cannot make their choices; you can only make your own.
Skip the sisters and go right to the heart of this matter. This care may now be too difficult for you. Time to discuss with your entire family that it is now too hard for you, and you need all to discuss the next steps forward. Placement may be needed.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

Welcome to the Hell of caregiving.

One child does all the work with little to no appreciation. The other children are absent unless it is to lighten mommy or daddys pocketbook.

I have been a caregiver for a narcissistic mother from Hell for over seven years. Most of the other caregivers I know go through the same thing. I am sure most of the caregivers here would agree with me.

Hold your head high girl because you are head and shoulders above them in dignity and duty. Believe me at some point in time your hard work will be rewarded seven times more upon you. It always does.

Sending you a big hug and saying well done beautiful child
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Christservant

You are not wrong for thinking that way BUT you need to look elsewhere. Release yourself from the aggravation and resentment of waiting for them. Hire someone, let them know you are hiring someone, and that you will be using your mother's money to pay for that someone.
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Reply to PaniniSandwich

It's not wrong to ask. But it's also not wrong for them to say no.

That said, you don't have to be the one either. Announce that you can't do it. And then don't.

If your mom insists on being her own POA then that's her right. And her obligation to handle her conditions.
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Reply to PeggySue2020

What are your mom's finances like? Can she afford to hire caregivers for several hours a week so that you can get some time to youraelf?

I recommend you call the local Area Agency on Aging to ask for a "needs assessment" to help figure what level of care mom needs.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

It's not wrong at all. In my case, I wasted precious energy and emotional resources trying to get sibling support. I tried ALL the ways. I feel much more empowered knowing they would not save me from a burning building. I figure it day at a time. And I'm learning it's okay to put myself first sometimes.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Sandy5691

Nobody is required to take care of any parent. Many children choose to do so. That is their choice. It is perfectly acceptable to have a conversation with your sibs about how much time each of you have to share with your Mom. Bear in mind, though, that her needs will continue to grow. Obviously, you are already doing more than is good for you to do. You need to cut back. However, if your sibs are unwilling/unable to help in caring for your mother you need to take a hard look at what other options might work, including hiring help, moving Mom into a senior residence, or whatever else might be available where you live. Your mom should absolutely be part of this conversation.

You don't mention if you also have brothers. If you do, they should also be part of the conversation. Before you meet with your sibs, though, you need to clearly define for yourself just what you are willing to do. Be realistic, you cannot spend all your spare time with Mom. You need time for your own appointments, emergencies, and personal time (plan for a bit more personal time than you think you need, you will need it later). Specify clearly to your sibs what your mother appears to require and what you can do. Prepare for several minutes of dead silence while they consider the implications. Do not back down. They will probably not offer to do much, but there could be some surprises. Be prepared to steer the conversation toward whatever other options you have researched.

An important considerations is what your mother can afford to pay for. She should pay for the assistance she needs. She should be aware that if nursing care is ultimately required she will need to spend down her estate before Medicaid will take over payments for her care. Many nursing homes will accept an older person as a paying resident and assist in converting her stay to a Medicaid-paid stay when it is necessary. Your sibs need to understand that if that is the plan there will be no inheritance beyond memorabilia. Everything of value must be liquidated to pay for care.

Just bear in mind that your sibs are entitled to make their own choices. You cannot force them to do anything at all. Remind yourself that you have CHOSEN to help your mother. How much you choose to do is entirely up to you. Be reasonable with yourself and be kind to yourself you do have the right to a life of your own. Your mothers needs must be secondary to your own needs. Good luck. This will not be easy. I hope you will find a good place of agreement with your sibs, even if it is not what you might be hoping for now.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to LittleOrchid
MaryKathleen Nov 30, 2021
You have the right idea.
I would completely fall apart if my sister didn't help me. She's a very busy lawyer and works God awful hours but checks in everyday, covers sick days, and days I need for my own Dr appts. She also gives up all holidays so I can be with my family. Neither one of us has had a "vacation" beyond 2 days in the past few years. She's my shoulder to cry on and the only person who truly understands the sacrifices I make. I'm shocked your sisters haven't offered to help. The more of you helping the lesser the burden.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to luaneZ
Momheal1 Dec 1, 2021
I am in complete envy of you having a sister like you do and I also feel peace knowing you have support - Families don’t know how much “just supporting” the main person and them knowing there is someone to back them up - it’s worth it’s weight in gold.
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