Is it wrong to ask sister for help with mother?

It's not wrong to ask. But it's also not wrong for them to say no.

That said, you don't have to be the one either. Announce that you can't do it. And then don't.

If your mom insists on being her own POA then that's her right. And her obligation to handle her conditions.

It's not wrong to ask. But it is wrong to expect them to say yes. Your expectations are too high. It does stink to be the one that feels stuck with all the work, but we (myself included!) often say yes out of the goodness of our hearts with no idea of how this is really going to go!

If I knew 10 years ago how things were going to unfold, I would have made MUCH different choices and would NEVER have moved my parents in with me. So now I think my sister is the smart one that said NO WAY. She does allow a few day visit once a month which is great but still an imperfect "solution".

So, it's time to adjust your expectations. Expect nothing from your sisters. Get help for your mom so you can back way down. Maybe it's time for a facility for her? I'm looking into that option REAL soon for my mom.

What are your mom's finances like? Can she afford to hire caregivers for several hours a week so that you can get some time to youraelf?

I recommend you call the local Area Agency on Aging to ask for a "needs assessment" to help figure what level of care mom needs.

It is not wrong for you to ask for their help.
It is wrong for you to EXPECT that they will help.
And following that it is wrong for you to be upset with their decision.
With whatever income or assets mom has you pay for caregivers to provide the help that is needed.
If your sisters get upset by this, with what might be their inheritance going to pay for care gently remind them that this is the option that is viable for you and that moms assets are hers until she dies.
Have you tried getting your mom into Adult Day Care? It would give you a break, it would give mom a break and get mom some socialization.
Many will pick up in the morning and drop off in the late afternoon.
(sending you a PM so please check)

You aren't wrong to wish you had help.
But you are wrong if you expect others to do as you wish them to do.
The sad fact I think you already know is that the Sisters will do as they wish to do with their own lives. You cannot make their choices; you can only make your own.
Skip the sisters and go right to the heart of this matter. This care may now be too difficult for you. Time to discuss with your entire family that it is now too hard for you, and you need all to discuss the next steps forward. Placement may be needed.

You should say your MOM is asking for help, however, no doubt you and your sisters have different skill sets. Try to make a list of the needs, divvy them up to solve by hiring help or take them on each by each. Two sisters!! You are lucky-don't let them foist all the care off on you. This is a good time to "shake things up" as COVID 19 quarantining has changed the whole culture and many people are having to rethink arrangements that they made before 2019. Make a list of chores and care that you no longer have the energy, willingness, time to do for the next year, 2 yrs., 5 years. You'd be surprised at the solutions that others will come up with that you may have not even thought of.

It sounds like you have already asked your sisters for help. They have already given their answer. Their answer is no. Stop asking and spend that time looking at what works for you. Then do what works for you. You don't even have to tell your sisters.
As long as their lives go on the way they want they won't even notice.

Try pinpointing them to a particular thing you need help with. Call the most accommodating of the two and put it out there - I need one of you to do XX thing...can you and sis work it out to be here on XX day and let me know? If you put something random out there, it gives them the flexibility to put you off or never commit. Try direct.

I'm not saying this will work. Some just aren't going to help and you can save yourself a lot of stress by just accepting it. Doesn't make it right, but don't bang your head against the wall. You're the only one who will get a headache.

You do have to remember that if they work the same hours that you do, it might be slim pickin's on when they would help during that time if they are already reluctant. Some will use the excuse of not wanting to use up their vacation time or they really don't have vacation time to use.

If mom has income, use it for care. As much as you can afford to use. Be sure to let both sisters know that you are dipping into the savings (if mom has any) to use toward her care. If mom has a house separate from yours, see if you can talk mom into selling and using her money for that. Use some to modify your home for her as well -- keep receipts. If they find out you're using 'their' inheritance, they might be a little more willing. As for the house, if you moved in to mom's house to take care of her - they may have justified their not being involved based on you getting a 'free' place to live (even though the work involved makes it far from free).

Like I said, it may not work at all. They may be able to see you struggle without any guilt at all.

It's not wrong at all. In my case, I wasted precious energy and emotional resources trying to get sibling support. I tried ALL the ways. I feel much more empowered knowing they would not save me from a burning building. I figure it out....one day at a time. And I'm learning it's okay to put myself first sometimes.

YES: tell them what you are best able to do, ask them to EITHER do the rest OR sit down for a Powwow to talk about who’s going to do what! You do what you can & please HIRE help - if you can - if they don’t pitch in. I don’t get why one person is expected to do it all (only daughters. of which I was one,have always had this expected of them: enuf!). But you have sisters, so that lame excuse has no value here. I wish you luck &, most of all, strength to stand up for yourself! Caregiving is EVERYONE’s work!

Its not wrong at all, it's her Mom too. Otherwise you're going to harbor resentments against your Sister.

It's not wrong to ask. I'm just sorry it doesn't seem to be getting you very far.

What exactly would you like them to do?

How long have you been the caregiver?

Maybe it's time to give up that role?

What is your mother's financial situation?

Can you and your mother consider moving her to assisted living? As I've said in other posts, many assisted living centers base residency on income, just like a NH. My sister is in assisted living and the cost is no more than the NHs in the area and in fact, if you want a loved one in a room by themselves, the charges can run a thousand dollars more than an apartment at assisted living. You, your family can visit often.

Just as many have responded here, no it isn’t wrong to ask them for help. In my experience, however, the problems arise when you expect them to do what you are willing to do or anything at all! When my Mom needed care suddenly after a stroke during the height of the pandemic, I stepped up (along with my family) and made the mistake of thinking my two sisters (I’m the youngest of three) would be willing to do the same. One sister was completely supported by myself and my parents when her husband left her years ago with 2 small children which made me think she would do same for Mom. Boy was I wrong! I would love to save anyone and everyone from going through the arguments and ultimately the ruining of our sibling relationship if I can. Although looking back our relationships were not so great anyway. But all the same, don’t expect anything when you ask. Be prepared for excuses. My sisters had every excuse and still do almost two years later. They do come each one day a week, for a few hours when it is convenient for them and will cancel when it is not. I have hired outside help. Which one sister became angry (go figure) with because I didn’t consult her first! Ha! This was after she made it clear she wouldn’t do any more than a few hours a week. I do it all. All doctor visits, I’m POA, both medical and financial so why wouldn’t I just hire help in my own? You will find they want to be involved in Devi on making just not hands on stuff. Anyway definitely ask them, but prepare yourself and be ok when they say no. What I have learned during this journey, is most people don’t want their lives disrupted and that’s ok. You do what you can and want to do then hire help if needed. Or consider placement if that is right for you and your LO. But Don’t resent others for what they won’t do. It gets you no where trust me! And yes my relationship with my sisters is forever changed, not because of what they won’t do to help with Mom’s care, but because when I saw their true colors amidst this family crisis, I realized I didn’t really like the people they are. Good luck to you! I hope sharing my experience will help you navigate caregiving with your sisters better. As many here say it is not easy and I am forever thankful for this forum!

You should call a meeting with the three of you and divide tasks between you all. Do this now because the longer you wait, the more burned out you will be. Explain that you must have help. If finances allow, (use your Mom's) hire a caregiver to be with her a few hours daily or as you determine is best. It goes without saying that all your mother's health care directives, poa, and will/trust should be in place. If not be sure to get this done by a qualified elder care attorney who can help her qualify for Medicaid, in which you can get some in-home aide care. This will greatly help with giving you some respite time.
I can assure you that the more you take on, the more they will let you. As SURVIVING said, either one of your siblings may not be willing to do everything that you have taken on. Brainstorm ways that they can and will help you, such as alternate weekends, shopping, cleaning, doctors appointments, etc. Try to take the approach of "teamwork" rather than "me" work. Don't think about it, call your meeting TODAY. I wish you the best.

They should be helping with the care of their mother. But everyone is entitled to their opinion and maybe they feel like she needs to be in a facility with professionals taking care of her. If you are overwhelmed and are at a crossroads with taking this on alone, you really only have two options. Look into at home care if she can afford it or qualify for something. Or you can place her in a facility. You don't mention her health issues so I'm not sure if she needs assisted living or memory care or what...? What your siblings don't realize is that you never get a break. You might want to bring that up. Did you move in to your mom's home or did she move into yours? If you moved into hers, your sisters might feel like you taking care of her is fair trade for a place to live. They would be wrong in assuming that. There are 720 hrs in a month. If you were paid only $10 per hour, you would be making $7200 per month. That's one hell of a rent trade!

Do some legwork to see what mom can afford or qualify for before you sit down with your siblings to have a very frank conversation. I know it's hard but try to look at the facts and leave emotion out of it. Tell them you need some assistance or you're going to have to make some difficult decisions with mom. They may not care and were hoping you would come to this conclusion because then it makes you the "bad guy" for placing mom and not them.

My brother is useless. Itll only cause conflict when I ask him so sadly I just do what I want/need to. Just know what the reality is, accept it and move forward. Life is harder when we have expectations and ppl dont follow and we get dissapointed. Sucks but we’re in this together. Make sure to take care of yourself.

It's not wrong to ask, just be prepared for answers you don't want. If they aren't willing, don't dwell on it (speaking from experience here). Just move on without them and find out what works for you. Take care of your needs above all others; if that means to find a place for mom, that may be what has to happen. My humble opinion.

No. You are not wrong for thinking your sisters should be doing their part to help out. What's wrong is when all the caregiving and responsibility falls on one. It usually happens that way though.
Stop accepting their excuses for why they won't help out and make they say the real reason.
It's understandable to refuse to become caregivers to needy elderly people and to not want to take on the colossal responsibility that comes with it.
Make your siblings own it and say it. They just don't want to help with their own mother. Excuses like having to work, having the kids, and everything else saves face and sounds better than owning the real reason. Nobody wants to look bad and I'm sure your siblings voice their "concerns" about how mom is being cared for and offer plenty of advice to you too. They probably also offer plenty of praise for how great a job you're doing.
Tell them you don't need palms thrown under your feet. You need help with mother's care. If they're not willing to help start looking at care facility placement for her.

Out of curiosity - you say they have their excuses - what is their situation? I agree they should do their part. But everyone's situation is different. And from the outside looking in - I am sure there are plenty of people who would say that my DH and I should be doing more than we do for my FIL. But they don't know the entire situation. My BIL and SIL moved in with FIL not because he needed care but because they needed a roof over their heads. He was independent at the time. Then he just stopped doing anything for himself because "why should I when they live here and they can do it for me" (long story). As a result they became caregivers. He lost his mobility - almost to the point now where if he loses anymore they won't be able to keep him in his home. But they still need a roof over their heads. SIL doesn't work outside of the home. BIL does. DH and I both work full time. And we live an hour away one way. SIL is his primary caregiver. But we take off work and help with as many doctors appts as possible because he is a 2 person transport to anything he does. We are there nearly every weekend. We talk every day. We are as involved as we can be. SIL called and one or both of them may need surgery in the near future. And I literally said "We need to talk to FIL now because we need to talk about hiring someone to come stay while you recuperate".
Now...there are plenty of people who would interpret that as us shirking our duties. We are 100% willing to help when and how we can. But there are definitely people who feel like one or both of us should be taking time off of work and moving over there to backfill to take care of him while they recuperate. So taking care of them and him. And I drew a line in the sand. DH has a disability of his own. Am I being selfish for not dragging us over there to help? I work from home sometimes 50-60 hours a week and I need the office set up I have at home and cannot replicate at his house. DH as well. We can't move our work from home set up over there, so we would have to take time off. Recovery from surgery can be weeks. So it makes more sense to hire someone.
Too many times, as a society, we have this expectation that hiring help is somehow dismissing our responsibility to care for someone. When the reality is that sometimes we can't do it ourselves. That is not NOT caring for someone or shirking our responsibility to provide their care. It is simply finding another way to do it. If we aren't physically able to do it, isn't it better to find and pay someone who is, than to put us all in the hospital to provide it.

FYI, the reason that my SIL needs surgery is directly related to her time providing care for my FIL. Caregiving related injury related to assisting a 300 pound man to do things - repeated injury to her hand. So sometimes knowing what needs to be done and admitting that you need help is the most important thing.

If your siblings are telling you no - as hard as it is to hear - they have their reasons. Yes, in an ideal world - they SHOULD help you. 100%. I wish we were able to help my SIL and BIL more but logistically it is impossible. We don't live there - they do. We are an hour away without traffic and the little time we have outside of work every day during the week would offer them nothing. And we already spend the weekend doing what we can. And we already give them any time during the week that we can for doctors appointments and multiple daily phone calls. Short of living there I don't know what more we can do. I also have my own mother and grandmother that I need to be able to help as well.

So you have to decide what you are willing to do, your siblings have to decide what they are willing to do. And then you bridge whatever else your mother needs with outside help. You have to take care of yourself too. That is equally important. They may not tell you the real reason, but if they don't you may just have to get the help you need so that you can get what you need too.

Nobody is required to take care of any parent. Many children choose to do so. That is their choice. It is perfectly acceptable to have a conversation with your sibs about how much time each of you have to share with your Mom. Bear in mind, though, that her needs will continue to grow. Obviously, you are already doing more than is good for you to do. You need to cut back. However, if your sibs are unwilling/unable to help in caring for your mother you need to take a hard look at what other options might work, including hiring help, moving Mom into a senior residence, or whatever else might be available where you live. Your mom should absolutely be part of this conversation.

You don't mention if you also have brothers. If you do, they should also be part of the conversation. Before you meet with your sibs, though, you need to clearly define for yourself just what you are willing to do. Be realistic, you cannot spend all your spare time with Mom. You need time for your own appointments, emergencies, and personal time (plan for a bit more personal time than you think you need, you will need it later). Specify clearly to your sibs what your mother appears to require and what you can do. Prepare for several minutes of dead silence while they consider the implications. Do not back down. They will probably not offer to do much, but there could be some surprises. Be prepared to steer the conversation toward whatever other options you have researched.

An important considerations is what your mother can afford to pay for. She should pay for the assistance she needs. She should be aware that if nursing care is ultimately required she will need to spend down her estate before Medicaid will take over payments for her care. Many nursing homes will accept an older person as a paying resident and assist in converting her stay to a Medicaid-paid stay when it is necessary. Your sibs need to understand that if that is the plan there will be no inheritance beyond memorabilia. Everything of value must be liquidated to pay for care.

Just bear in mind that your sibs are entitled to make their own choices. You cannot force them to do anything at all. Remind yourself that you have CHOSEN to help your mother. How much you choose to do is entirely up to you. Be reasonable with yourself and be kind to yourself you do have the right to a life of your own. Your mothers needs must be secondary to your own needs. Good luck. This will not be easy. I hope you will find a good place of agreement with your sibs, even if it is not what you might be hoping for now.

Welcome to the Hell of caregiving.

One child does all the work with little to no appreciation. The other children are absent unless it is to lighten mommy or daddys pocketbook.

I have been a caregiver for a narcissistic mother from Hell for over seven years. Most of the other caregivers I know go through the same thing. I am sure most of the caregivers here would agree with me.

Hold your head high girl because you are head and shoulders above them in dignity and duty. Believe me at some point in time your hard work will be rewarded seven times more upon you. It always does.

Sending you a big hug and saying well done beautiful child

I am in the same situation . My sister did not help with my Mom when I needed her most and had to place her in a NH but she was able to borrow her house keys and take all the art , jewelry and money by forging a check . My Brother got sick at the same time snd I cared for him at Home till he needed ICU and a NH and died . No one called or sent a card . A tenant I had eventually committed suicide his family would not come get his belongings . My Dad hasn’t been well the past 5 years either . All my sister does is talk about her inheritance - it’s rather disgusting- I realize she is a selfish greedy person and not someone I can trust . I realize I am alone . My Dads legs are a bit wobbly … otherwise he is doing ok besides the short term memory stuff - I know it’s a hard road , My brother hasn’t seen Him in 25 years . Do I feel resentful ? Yes . Her excuse is she is working or her child has soccer - I realize she isn’t a true friend . Hire help - get a CNA , social worker, meals on wheels . This caretaking is a lonely isolating path .

You can always ask for the help of siblings, but don't expect them to fill in as much as you would prefer. Sometimes, you will be surprised by willing help. More likely your siblings see that you have things well in hand and have arranged their lives accordingly. If they will not help, get help from all other available resources: family, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help.

I have 2 siblings and both refuse to help with anything for our parents. Lots of excuses but bottom line they just won’t help. I stopped asking months ago. Set boundaries for yourself and find other caregiving resources. You can’t change your siblings and they will have to live with the consequences of disregarding their senior parents. Self care with what little free time you have. Only way to keep your sanity. You’re the better person for helping. Good luck.

You can expect more help from your siblings but you may be left with frustration and resentment. Of course we all have to make choices for ourselves and have reasons for making those choices. I chose to bring my mother home with me during the pandemic. She was hospitalized and I was told she had "given up." I didn't want to send her back to the facility to die alone, never being able to see her children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren again.
I never expected my sister to be able to do what I was doing. She eventually agreed to take mom every other weekend after mom had been with me for several months. I actually think she resents me for bringing mom home and expecting her to help.
The last straw for me was at Thanksgiving. Mom was supposed to go to her house just for Thanksgiving. I was hoping to get away for a day or two with my family for Thanksgiving. When I brought it up that I had made plans and would need mom to stay a couple more days, her response was a sarcastic, "That is great." Then went on to explain that she had a party to go to, was going to have a houseful over the Thanksgiving vacation, and that she was already going to miss her granddaughter's dance recital because it fell on her weekend with mom.
All of this is valid. I think had she said something along the lines of, "Gee I'm sorry, I already have plans for those days, I wouldn't have felt the sting as much.
But it felt like it was all about her social life. And maybe that is the truth, the real reason she doesn't want to help with mom.
So my head is constantly telling me to get over the fact that my sister isn't going to help as much as I want/need her to. My heart, though, says something else.
From experience, I can say that it is a waste of energy placing expectations on other people and expecting them to follow through on them. Take what help they offer and expect nothing more. You will save yourself a lot of pain and anxiety. Know that when your mom is gone, you will have done all you could for her. You will answer for what you have done and your sisters will answer for what they have done.
Take care and know there are a lot of people sitting in this boat with you. Come here for help or just to vent. It doesn't necessarily change your situation, but it helps to know that other caregivers know exactly what you're talking about.

Often siblings don't know what the job is and think you do, so they leave it to you. If you want help from them, you will have to be specific. If they live close enough to be practical, tell them something along these lines.. "Mom has a doc's appointment Monday and I have a conflict. SHE (not I) needs you to take her".
"Mom needs you to be with her on xx day from time - time because I have some business I must take care of. Pick her up early."

An option could be "Mom needs care assistance. I have looked into hiring someone and it would cost xx$. Your part of that is 1/3 xx$ unless you would rather do it yourself".

You haven't mentioned the type of care she requires. Does she have any special needs?

I am hoping my response helps, since I learned from my own mistakes.
I do not regret taking sole care of my Mom for 22 years. My sister refused to help even when I begged, always an excuse. For the most part it was fine with me that she didn’t help because everything has to be her way. But after Mom died my sister left me with the debt of medical expenses and funeral expenses because Mom put us both as beneficiaries on her life insurance. I was fine with my sister getting half of the savings because that was Mom’s wishes. Make certain that you use your Mom’s money for her needs and let you sisters know that you are doing this. I would not have believed that my sister would have hurt me so bad at the worst time in my life. She still will not communicate with me and it is over a year. So please read in these blogs about protecting yourself. Get POA, get a caregiver’s contract. Your sisters may help if they know there will not be anything left. For me the debt was not the worst part, it was the deceit and manipulation. I still feel angry and hurt and sad that I lost my my Mom and only family at the same time.

No your not wrong for wanting and needing help. If they are not already stepping up to the plate to say “How can I help take care of (name) “? You are not going to get it by asking either.

Like many others posted the non-helpers we begged for help always had an excuse, sometimes valid but not always.

To me the message sent when your loved ones refused to help is that their life and schedule is more important than yours,

This caregiving role is exhausting. My mother died October 25 2021 so I am no longer caregiving but now we are trying to clean out 55 years of junk. My parents never threw out anything so it’s been quite a job.

my brother and I are trying to clean up a little at a time. He lives close to mom house but works full time and I have a long drive due to Los Angeles traffic. Only 70 miles from my home to moms but 2-3 hours drive each way. This all makes it hard to get much done but we are getting there. Our sibling helps with this as about as much as he did with caring for mom and dad. Which is not much.

I am unhappy not to get more help but I don’t feel any guilt because I always did my part to help out. Good luck.