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Son is home at night to watch my sister while I work 12hr nights then I come home and take care of her during the day. She's got a retired husband and 3 grown children and I get no help.

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This was very kind of you. Now, though, you need to shift the arrangements. You need to get help. And sleep. You are doing waaaay to much. What are your sister's needs? Is she recovering or declining? How long do you expect her to need care?
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Reply to againx100
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I can feel the vibes below of the sisterhood .. that husband better step up! (I agree by the way). But before I add to that, I want to look at your situation a slightly different way.

You have given your Sister a wonderful gift. Support, care, love, time, energy. Maybe it was well planned? Or maybe you saw the need & rushed in to help her. (I would hope I could help my sisters or them me in an emergency too).

So you are 1 month into the initial crises.. it's time to re-do the plan. To re-shape your gift.

Do you have any indication from her medical team of a timeframe she needs help? Eg shorter time of 1-2 months awful chemo symptoms then back on her own feet? Or a long haul? The timeframe needs to be considered.

The next plan should be with your Sister. What are her wishes? Then with her husband & adult kids. How much of your Sister's wishes are possible? Who can or will help? Eg Sister moves back home: Q1 What level of care does she need? Q2 What level can informal help do?(you/hubs/kids/friends). Q3 Can she afford to hire formal help (home care aides) for the rest?

Then Sister & her Husband decide what they can afford. He may be overwhelmed. He may be scared. He may be a miser who won't spend a dime (I don't know). If she left him, are there assets, or a house to sell to fund her care? That might shake his wallet open.

When the caregiver goes down (heart attack, stroke, stress *seen it happen many times!*) it can cause a NEW crises. This sometimes means the patient must go into hospital until a NEW care arrangement is agreed on.

You can wait for that to happen, but please don't. Speak up now to her Doctor & family.
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Reply to Beatty
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Come up with ways where she gets the help she needs, but its easier on you
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Reply to Goodwill
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You work 12-hour shifts at night and are the caregiver to your sister during the day.
How long do you think you'll be able to keep that going before you actually have a heart attack? And your son has to watch her too?
What's your sister condition that she needs "watching"? That usually means dementia of some kind. Her husband doesn't want to watch her anymore so dumps her off with you and your son. No way.
That's her husband and whether or not they have a good marriage really makes no difference. He's got an obligation to your sister and he has to make good on it. If that means putting her in a care facility, or paying you so outside help can come to your house, so be it.
You have to stop being your sister's caregiver in your home. Her family will never take any responsibility for her if you continue to be their solution.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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BrynnLee Aug 1, 2021
My sister is on 2 different cancer drugs that make her weak so she needs help with everything, I love my sister but I'm exhausted and her husband is too busy jetting off to Vegas and my hands are tied about putting her in a care facility so I just try to do the best I can. Her doctors won't sign the document I need for hospitalization they will only sign it for her husband. I cut my hours at work but that's only temporary, I think I may just have to get a lawyer and take my brother in law to court.
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It's a month that you have seen what your sister needs. Is your sister there to recover and return to her home. Can you revisit the caregiving responsibilities with your sister's family? Call a family meeting and delegate what needs to be done. If they don't step up to the plate, is it at a point where you will need legal guardianship to help with making decisions for her.
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Reply to Pasa18
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Have you considered asking him for wife support? I mean, is her money and his still being used to pay for things at a house she can't live in? A little cash tossed your way would cover some in-home help for you while you sleep during the day.

If you're ok with her in your house - ok, but her husband and children need to be doing something to help while she lives in your home. And if one cent of her money goes in to an acct that her husband has access to, change it immediately
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Reply to my2cents
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BrynnLee Aug 1, 2021
Its not about the money, I work 12 hours , I just don't have the time to care for her. I need sleep.
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When do you sleep? Your job performance must be suffering?

I know someone whose D was killed by a driver who fell asleep on the way home from working an overnight shift.
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Reply to CTTN55
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BrynnLee Aug 1, 2021
Exactly, she has lots of Dr appointments and between her and work i'm exhausted.
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He no longer WANTS to care for her?? Well, he has a problem because if they are still legally married in most states.... caring for her is his legal responsibility. I get that you love your sister but this burden you have set up for yourself is going to kill and then what happens?? And your poor son has gotten wrapped up this also.... he needs to be able to live his own life too. Tell retired hubby he can "man" up and figure out what is best for his wife. He can call his state department of health and they will give him some resources. Then deliver her to his doorstep.
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Reply to geddyupgo
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I am with Daughter here. This is for your sister's family to figure out. She is her husbands responsibility and he has to figure things out.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Certainly you must realize this isn’t sustainable. Your own health is at stake. Talk to sister’s family and let them know a new plan is required
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You say in your profile that your sister's husband no longer wants to take care of his wife, your sister, and so now you took her in and you work a full-time job, with no help from her family. No wonder you're exhausted. You are being used and abused form your sisters family. I'm sure you love your sister, but she is not your responsibilty. She is her husbands responsibility, and if he can't care for her, then it is up to HIM to find the appropriate facility for her to go to.
You are making it way too easy on him, to skirt his responsibilities. If you're not careful, you will be the one needing to be cared for, and then what?
You need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your brother-in-law, and tell him that you can no longer be your sisters caregiver, and that you're returning that responsibility back to him where it belongs.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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BrynnLee Aug 1, 2021
I've tried, he won't take her. I'm exhausted and depressed
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