Is anyone else in a similar situation to mine? -

Is anyone else in a similar situation to mine?


Im a 49 yo male and have been a 24/7 carer for my 81 year old mother for 5 years who has multiple physical problems and is now getting some kind of dementia the last 2 years which has not officially been diagnosed and is slowly getting worse. I cared for her 24/7 partime the 5 years previous to the last 5 years. I get no family support from my 5 sibblings as they all live in other states and do not contact in any way except 1 brother who sends the odd photo of her 2 grand daughters.
She has had many hospital stays and in previous years and had somone help her shower until she got her strengh back from after being in hospital.
She gets incontinent 1s and 2s and I have had many occasions at 2 am having to deal with it. She has mobility issues from breaking her back etc at age 17 and is going blind from macular degeneration along with a host of other medical problems like a hiatus hernia and oesophical srictures which make it impossible to eat solids and of course riddled with arthritis in most of her body and a list of other problems.
So you get the general idea. She is slowly dying before my eyes.
I know most would put her in a home and most likley I will eventually will also when it becomes too much for 1 person and she needs multiple people to help but at the moment the guilt I would feel would be overwhelming and she would think I was deserting her and also the fact that nursing homes to some say this is it I'm going to die now and just shut down and see it as like a waiting room for death.
She even refuses respite thinking I will just never come back for her. She is very depressed herself and anxious and scared of what is happening to her.
I am just wondering if there is anyone else out there who has had or is having simmiliar problems in theire life. I suffer severe depression and anxiety and have nobody to even give me moral support.
Hoping there is someone who can relate to my situation.



Zephyr, there comes a time when the 24/7 care for our folks becomes impossible for most of us to provide. Yes, I and many others have gone through similar, that is why we are here. Many times this website was our only source of understanding and support.

It sounds like the care has become overwhelming for you. Part of caring and loving and carrying through with promises is also to recognize and acknowledge they would receive better care from other. Think about it this way. When we continue despite our need to provide for ourselves we are bankrupting ourselves emotionally and financially. What parent would want that for their child?
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to gladimhere

zephyrblue: gladimhere is exactly right and please reread her post. Also, it sounds like your mother is afraid for her future, but you have no one but yourself to fear for YOUR future. Here's another and main thought: she will receive better and round-the-clock care in a nursing home.

I understand your guilt about "giving up". I'm seriously there myself. There comes a time where you need to believe YOU MATTER. You have to find that inner strength to place your mother in a care facility. It's for her benefit and for yours.

Before I moved home to be Mom's caregiver and I only took care of Mom's finances and paper goo, I shocked my sisters by pushing my philosophy that it's not 100% about the ill person. It's 50/50 between the ill person and the caregivers. Without taking care of the caregivers the ill person is doomed.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to MountainMoose

Assure your mom that you understand that change is scary but that you won't abandon her, no matter where she lives you will always be there to be her advocate.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to cwillie

THANKS gladimhere. ⚘
It is true what you say.... except my finances are ok lols i get by....... but i admit i am emotionally and physically bankrupt 100%.
I think i have done more for my mother than alot of people woud. My mum is very appreciative of everything i do and is not nasty or mean in anyway as some people get from the one they care for. She is scared which is understandable and i have discussed her / our future many times lately and she knows it will be unavoidable soon and not putting her into care would actually be neglecting her care as you have in a way said. She would recive better care than i could give her. I am organising an aged care assesment so she can go into full time care when the time arrives.
She is trying to come to terms with the realization.
I myself.... if i had children would not expect or want them to care for me as i would want them to enjoy theire lives as much as possible and yes i guess my mum is a little selfish but i understand she is scared but she has to understand it is inevitably nessesery.
Thanks for your reply. It is very much appreciated. 👍
Helpful Answer (5)

You've been through a lot, I surely understand how you feel.

Dealing with seeing someone getting older and older and worst is just heartbreaking, mostly because we always have to be strong for them, when you need someone who holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be ok, because being strong all the time is just SO hard. And the guilt. Oh, the guilt. Enough for making us live in constant anxiety.

My - very personal - solution to all this, has been finding help for my mom at home.
At the moment she just needs partial help, so I have found 2 carers that come for a total of 5 hours per day. The relief that I feel having professionals taking care of her, knowing she's in the best hands, having more time for myself, and seeing her actually much happier and healthier, it's worth ANY price.

Just my 2 cents, hoping this can help you at least a little and sending you huge amounts of understanding.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Arwen31

Arwen. Thanks for your reply. Yes the guilt is overwhelming. I appreciate everything you say and hope your situation works out also.
Thanks 💐👍
Helpful Answer (2)

THANKYOU ( cwillie ) and ( MountainMoose )
I appreciate you comments and are both helpfull in reinforcing thoughts i already had. Yes i must cosider mylife and yes i will not be abandoning her at all.
Thanks again. 👍👍
Helpful Answer (1)

Zephyblue, remind your mother that Respite is not for her, it is for you. It is to allow you to rest, and relax. If she goes to a nursing home while on respite, it will give her a chance to see that it is safe friendly place to be.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Tothill