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Long story short-I live in another state from my late father. He went into hospital in January, I was his POA. I’m an only child and he was divorced, so I’ve been handling everything alone. Including dealing with the fact that he was POA for my grandmother (she’s 99) and left a vacuum when he got ill and subsequently died. Got her sorted out and since April I’ve been dealing with his out of state house, belongings and vehicle, insurance, probate court, etc.
Dad was cremated and I’m finally having a memorial service for him in his hometown, where he wanted to be buried. I don’t think a lot of people will attend but it may be more than I’m expecting. Following the service will be the burial at the cemetery. I did not plan anything afterwards, like a reception. I’m exhausted and my vacation starts right after the service. I’m worn out from doing everything alone. I’m starting to feel worried, though, that folks may be expecting a reception after the burial.
I may suggest going out to dinner with a few close family members but that’s it. Should I feel bad about that? I don’t know that I have the brain cells left to devote to that guilt trip, lol. I’m also not a local in that town where the service will be. I wouldn’t know where to book a reception and without knowing how many would come—you see my dilemma.

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I’m in a similar situation. Dad died last week and his memorial service is in 3 weeks. The church where it will be held doesn’t want us to have food afterwards as they fear someone could get Covid, so they’re only allowing us to offer coffee/tea and bottled waters. There will be a lot of local and semi-local attendees and I’m not worried about most of those guests, but am concerned about some of my Dads cousins who will be driving here from 4.5 hours away. I do not want them to be hungry. They’’ll need to get back on the road and head home after the service and I’ve been worrying about what to do. Today I decided to just bring along a number of wrapped sandwiches, each in a paper bag with some fruit and a cookie and slip it to them after the service.

If you don’t have people who are making a long trip to get there and back, I would not worry.
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It's usual to provide refreshments of some sort, but don't worry about it. People sort themselves out if they really feel the need and this isn't a wedding reception after all.

I suppose if it still worries you you could ask the funeral directors if they know of anywhere that can rustle up soft drinks and sandwiches for an unpredictable number? This is the sort of thing that those in the trade understand perfectly and are good at handling on the hoof.
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BarbBrooklyn Jul 2021
CM, is it usual in the UK to provide food after a funeral? In NYS, food is prohibited in Funeral homes (I just noticed a sign to that effect the other day at a funeral.
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I attended a funeral, and following the burial, there were bag lunches for all the attendees. In these times of covid, this was appropriate I thought. The services were meaningful enough and chatting with others before the funeral and after the burial was sufficient. We even got a good group picture each socially distanced. Like yourself, there will only be me (as the remaining child) and grandkids of moms. I was thinking of a private funeral with only a few other friends. The end of chapter comes will a lot of mixed feelings.
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When my adult son died unexpectedly back in February, I had him cremated. I had contacted everyone by phone and email (and Facebook), and said to some that when the nice weather arrived, I'd think about a get together with some of his friends and coworkers. Right after he passed, I went away for two months to clear my head. I slept, read, wrote, talked on the phone, went for long walks along the beach and decided that keeping Chris alive in my heart was really all that mattered. Others could do that, too, without a party to remind them (and me) that he was with the angels. Chris' good friends still call me, but I'm sure that even that will fade away soon. And it's OK.
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My mother’s body was cremated. The crematorium had a hall for the service, and afterwards we all moved out of the hall into an adjacent room where they provided tea, coffee and biscuits. It was quite good just to have a few minutes to say hello to the people who came. If people have come from a distance, they want to meet the rest of the family.

The place for my mother was well organised. There was a first room next to the hall where we all gathered before the doors into the hall were opened, then the service in the hall, then we moved to the second room for the tea and chat. Clearly it made it easier for them to organise throughput, though it certainly didn’t feel like a production line. Perhaps you could ask around to see if there is somewhere like this. Even if the service is in a ‘normal’ church, there are often rooms off to the side.
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No you should not feel bad about not having a funeral reception. The people who will be coming to your father's memorial service are coming because they want pay their respect to your father and his family. That's why a person goes to a wake, or funeral. or memorial service. People who go because they're expecting a free meal are not there for the right reason. You don't owe people a funeral reception.
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Enjoy your vacation. You sure do deserve it. Hope it is wonderful for you. You have been a good Daughter and Granddaughter. Don't even think about a reception. For once, Friend, think about YOU and take good care of yourself and try to relax on your vacation. Take care. Maria
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There was no reception after my Mama's funeral. I didn't consider it. All that was on my mind was her having a beautiful funeral...just getting through it. But, with the pandemic still going on, a reception was never on my mind.
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No, don't feel bad. In our family, if a church brings food to our home, only the very closest family members are invited to eat.

This is one tradition I just don't get. After the physical and emotional exhaustion of planning and arranging a funeral, why add more work and expense?
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rovana Jul 2021
I think part of the tradition could be related to an earlier time when people would come together in a rural area by horse and buggy and appreciate refreshments before starting their trips home.
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I think you have done more than enough with a service and burial. There is no need for anything else.
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Maria7 Jul 2021
Amen!
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When my step dad died his memorial service was held at the Church and the Church ladies did a tea for the cost of ingredients. Simple sandwiches and sweets. It cost us about $150.

If he was a member of a local church or social club, I would check what is the "usual" in that community. You do not have to host it.
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I think we will find that with COVID funeral services are not all that important. I went to a service before COVID where the guy was cremated. They put the Urn inside of a wreath of flowers. People lined up and paid their respects. I don't remember a luncheon being served.

With my Mom, I did hold a traditional burial. The service, viewing before the service and going to the cemetery where my Dad and sister were already buried. But, I only invited relatives and close friends to the graveside. Those people were invited to the luncheon.

You do what you want. What you can handle and afford. Told my girls just cremate me. I want a nice Urn. Then go out to dinner and say nice things about me.
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The beauty of a graveside service is people can simply disperse from there. You do not need to host a reception. If anyone expects a reception from his hometown, they can coordinate it and host it since they're in their hometown. You can attend and simply unwind.

You're managing a incredible workload and you're doing great. NO need for guilt and do not allow others to pressure you, LAnn!

My condolences on your great loss. *hug*
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Maria7 Jul 2021
Amen. My Mama had a graveside funeral, too. And there was viewing for about an hour and a half at the funeral home, which was open to everyone before the graveside funeral. She had a beautiful funeral.
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I’m an only child of divorced parents. My dad was also cremated. I held his outdoor memorial service and did not hold a reception. We scattered rose petals in his honor. I gave away my dad’s favorite candy bar and packets of birdseed (he enjoyed Cardinals). I also had bottled water available. I could not do anything more. I was already completely exhausted. You have done plenty. Sending you hugs and prayers for restoration and peace. ~ Sunny
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”Worrying” isn’t part of your responsibilities.

You should NOT “FEEL BAD” about ANYTHING.

Have the Funeral Director thank everyone for coming at the end of the service and say that the graveside service is private. Handling it this way is very common around here.

Save those brain cells for your vacation, and RELISH EVERY MINUTE OF THAT!
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Grandma1954 Jul 2021
I was also going to suggest this. Great way to keep it low key and manage expectations. I think at this time people will understand.
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I am sorry for the loss of your father.

You are not obligated to ‘host’ an event afterwards. If you choose to go to lunch or dinner afterwards, consider contacting family members beforehand and ask if they would like to have a meal at a restaurant together and ask them to recommend a restaurant, since you don’t know the area. then meet up with them. Or find a place on your own and invite them along, only if you wish to do so. I don’t feel that you should feel obligated to pay for everyone else’s meals. I suppose that you could casually mention that everyone will pay for their own dinner.
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Just plan a bit of time at the cemetery for folks to come up to you and express their condolences. You aren't obligated to feed anyone.
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I have never gone to a funeral for someone not a close relative and expected to be fed.

Yes, you might plan to repair to a restaurant with a quiet meal after with close family , but anyone who expects a "reception" is out of line in their expectations.

I am so sorry for your loss.
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You do not have to feel bad about anything.
The memorial service is just that. No one expects to be wined and dined.
People that are local will be just fine.
If you want to meet with some close friends after or if there are out of town people that attend having a lunch would be nice. But it could be as simple as going to a local park, one that dad might have enjoyed and get a delivery of sub sandwiches or pizza and just have a pleasant relaxed lunch.
With family, yes go out have dinner have a nice visit.
If you have a schedule printed with the "events" the Memorial, the Cemetery and any notes or thoughts people will know by reading that that there are no plans for a lunch or dinner. (any one with enough b&11s to ask is not someone I would want to have a meal with anyway!)
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