I'm feeling left out now that my husband is dedicating all of his time to his aging parents. Advice?

Thanks for all your helpful advice. We talked about how I am feeling, and he agreed that he needs to set some boundaries with his mother. He's going to limit the number of nights he stays with his mom. The aides will spend a few nights a week with his mother so that we have some time together. Someone asked me how he would feel if it were my parents. My husband is very controlling and does not like when I'm not around. He would have a very difficult time if I was spending time with my parents, especially evenings. He would try to make me feel guilty for my absence. Someone else suggested I spend time with him and his parents. Please know that I do spend time visiting them, cooking for them, and helping with their medical needs. I do NOT spend the nights there. I also limit my visits as I work full-time and have responsibilities at home (pets, laundry, etc.). I also found the aides, interviewed them, and encouraged my husband to build them into the schedule. He's receptive, but his mother is asking if he can be the one to stay with her at night instead of the aides.

You must remember that men are not mind readers, and unless you share openly with him how you are feeling, he honestly has no clue.
So sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk, and try working on some ideas that will work for the both of you, where you both will get what you need during this time of caring for elderly parents.
I wish you the very best.

Rather than spend more time with his family, I would re-focus on my own life.

Rather than let the resentment build further (understandable btw) I would think about what I am not doing that I want to.

I would think about a place I have been wanting to take a weekend away to & start planning it. Ask your DH to come. Make it clear he is your 1st choice of company, but if he can't (due to his family) oh well, you'll go on your own or with girlfriends.

This may accomplish 2 things: 1. You stop missing out. 2. DH can see what life he is giving up.

Hopefully it helps him to re-evaluate his plans.

I have nothing against his family (or my own in-laws!) but I have zero interest in being absorbed into what could already be an emeshed situation. This is what I have seen many times. The care needs grow & grow, absorbing a family member, then their spouse, their kids, more family members etc. Like a snowball until you wonder why you are stopping the enevitable avalance!

Is this your Husband?

If so, he will need to face this issue. Look it at. Look at when, how & what he is prepared to do.

If his parents are unsafe to live alone anymore - he is enabling them in their denial. This will be an uncomfortable conversation. But as you have just found with your talk with your DH - communication can be so very important.

My last thoughts are rather than back your DH into a 'MIL vs You' corner - support him to move out of his F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) instead. To stand up to his Mother. I think THAT is the crux of your issue.

My husband was an only child and was an exceptional son. I did what I could but understood he had great parents and he needed to do this himself. They were unselfish and did not expect this. I would find a sitter to stay with his mom, and preferably someone we knew, and paid them then planned a date night whether it was a movie or dinner and my husband was so grateful. He has always treated me wonderful all 38 years of marriage. He now suffers from dementia and I take care of him with the same love and caring he did his parents. He deserves nothing but that.

Try talking to him. Don’t say things like, “YOU don’t pay attention to me anymore,” and instead say, “I miss you because I feel we never spend quality time anymore.” If you approach it from a non-blame angle, you’re more likely to have success and not get his back up. If he’s immediately in defense-mode, it will just end in a fight.

Try coming up with alternative solutions like hiring a PSW for his parents (research costs beforehand so that you’re prepared) and try to appear empathetic to his plight. It’ll go a long way.

I get the disappointment you feel but as a 70 yr old who has lost her retirement to taking care of my mom I see both sides..He is in a rough place. He needs support and understanding..this caretaking job is exhausting..more mentally and leaves little energy to cater to others needs. Sorry.. Go and enjoy life, see your friends and have a life…He is worn out …I get it..

Oh, gosh, I don’t have a great answer for you (will have to wait for another’s reply), but you’ve hit it in the heart with me. Your words make me realize this is what I’m doing to my husband! He has to work M-F. I am not employed in a traditional sense, so I can go help my mom whenever and however long. She’s very ill and moved from her home, to assisted living, to various hospital stays, to multiple rehabs after major surgeries, and will now need LTC. She still owns a large home an hour from us (same town where she’s rehabbing), so I’ve been gone days and weeks at a time living there away from my home and husband while I visit and check on her, attend doctors meetings, feed her, pay her bills, etc. On top of it, I take care of her home and have been cleaning it out. (She used to own a lake house, but we thankfully sold it.) He helps when he can, but I know it’s been very hard on our relationship and my health, too.

None of this will ever be “fair.” He had to do nothing for his mom (she was remarried, and her husband took care of all details.) But, I truly don’t feel I have a choice. She needs help, and her house has to be dealt with. Our problems will not just disappear. I have a sibling several hours away, but he has a busy (paid!) job and visits infrequently.

Sorry for the long back story, but my suggestion is to find a way to do some of those overnights with him to feel less left out. The “decisions” are tough especially if other siblings are involved, so you may get excluded there. Ask him how best you can help—maybe it’s just making meals while he’s tending to his parents? Tell him you feel left out and alone—but BE PREPARED for a negative reaction! He may then feel you’re not being understanding or “thinking of yourself.” He may also be grieving (or pre-grieving) losing his parents and witnessing them losing their independence. I’ve cried a river for three months, and I’m about cried out. I’ve spent every day with my mom, but I’m about to wean each of us off a bit to once or twice a week and hire a person to visit her even just for companionship and mental stimulation.

I feel for you, I’ll pray for you, and I hope things will be better, soon, for you and your spouse. Just be gently honest with him, but don’t put him in a spot where he feels he’s choosing between you and his parents. Know you’re not alone.

Best

Be there for him.

Listen. Care.

When he comes home, meet him at the door with a smile Cook his favorite meal.

What he is going through is one of the hardest, most excruciating struggles in life. You feel like you have lost him, but I assure you, he feels like he has lost himself too.

Think of fun surprises, small outings. When he has particularly bad days, tell him you understand.

This is a short time (even though it feels it will never end). The good or damage you do to the relationship now could be everlasting.

Does he know how you feel?

Is his lack of care for you when ill a new issue or a long-standing one?

Do you think he is interested on making this marriage work?

I just read your response to some of the posters.  I am glad your husband was receptive to the conversation and is willing to set some boundaries with his mom.  If there are aides coming in, there is no reason for him to have to abandon you so that he can sleep over with her.  She is being inconsiderate of the fact that he has a family too and has responsibilities at his own home.  It would be different if she couldn't afford help to come in and she was completely alone.  And if that were the case, I would recommend that she move somewhere so that she had help 24/7.

You did the right thing by speaking to him about your feelings.  Keeping that bottled up just leads to resentment.