I'm feeling left out now that my husband is dedicating all of his time to his aging parents. Advice?

You didn't lose your husband. You gained a REAL MAN. If he can put his parents second he can also put you and your marriage second. He needs more support from a wife right now than you need from your husband. He's surely conflicted over it when he sees you upset. Just remember it's for better or for worse not just when everything is hunky-dory. If you like the lifestyle your husband keeps you in, it wouldn't have happened without his parents. That's just how I look at it.

Is there a reason you don't go along with him to help with their care. Allocate some jobs to each of you. You will feel more involved and he will be less tired. If you don't take positive action then you cannot really complain you are left out of decisions.

I’m going to put a different view, as no-one else has so far. Some people in your position really do get to the point where their partner needs to make a choice – parent/s or spouse.

You have some difficult comments that don’t sound too good. That your husband is very controlling, that he wants you to be around when he wants you (though this isn’t working the other way), that you are doing a fair bit of hands-on work but aren’t part of the decisions about what’s going on, that he’s on his phone when he does get home (who to)? This sounds like the problems some posters have when parents and husbands have ‘old culture’ expectations, and wives are expected to toe the line.

It’s great that you’ve talked and things seem to be getting a bit better. Just think about any more bad signs that come up, and come back for more comments whenever you choose.

He's probably getting burnt out.
See if Caregiver help be given or get others to help so he'll not have to do it all.
Maybe hire a Live In for his parents

mrsshazie: I did see your update further down this thread and I am glad to see that you have a resolution through speaking with your husband.

I have felt like you're describing intermittently throughout my 34 year marriage.
My mother in law died 3 weeks ago. She was 100 and 3 quarter years old.
In the last week I was thinking how much I wished she would'a lived longer.

Is there a reason why you cannot sometimes join him to help?

My husband was an only child and was an exceptional son. I did what I could but understood he had great parents and he needed to do this himself. They were unselfish and did not expect this. I would find a sitter to stay with his mom, and preferably someone we knew, and paid them then planned a date night whether it was a movie or dinner and my husband was so grateful. He has always treated me wonderful all 38 years of marriage. He now suffers from dementia and I take care of him with the same love and caring he did his parents. He deserves nothing but that.

It is good and loving your husband wants to care for his parents. He must feel a lot of love for them, or possibly guilt. I would sit him down and in concrete terms discuss with him exactly how this is impacting you and why and your feelings. Try to strike up some sort of a compromise which I have a feeling you are NOT going to get. Make him fully aware of your feelings and possible consequences. And see what, if anything, he would be willing to do for you if you are sick. Take all the information you can get out of him an then make your own plans. If nothing changes for the better, stop doing anything much for him and take more care of yourself and start getting involved in things you love to do, even new clubs and activities. Build on your own life and just ignore him. Be happy - you will be fine.

Be there for him.

Listen. Care.

When he comes home, meet him at the door with a smile Cook his favorite meal.

What he is going through is one of the hardest, most excruciating struggles in life. You feel like you have lost him, but I assure you, he feels like he has lost himself too.

Think of fun surprises, small outings. When he has particularly bad days, tell him you understand.

This is a short time (even though it feels it will never end). The good or damage you do to the relationship now could be everlasting.

My husband and I are married for the long term - so there are times when things aren't ideal and we bear with it or figure something out. I know that much of my time the past couple of years has been consumed by my parents. The last thing I need when I get home is a needy husband. Instead, he comes over and helps me often. Sometimes him just being there relieves some of the pressure I feel to care for my parents. Your husband feels a strong obligation to help his parents. That is an admirable trait. Nourish it. Help him.

Good advice below. Be sure that you discuss this with your husband. Use of aides to take over some of his burden might help, if this is possible. As a caregiver, he's going to need breaks or he'll get burned out. Be sure that you are also taking care of yourself and your own health! Good luck!

Taking care of aging parents can be consuming - with time and with emotions. However, it appears your husband might need a little more "time off" from caregiving to spend time with you nurturing the marriage relationship. Men tend to get into "fix it" mode when trying to help family and not see that other relationships are suffering. Can we be honest? Women can do this too. May I suggest that you seek couple's counselling with a male therapist. Your husband might be more likely to listen and work with you if he doesn't feel like it is "2 women ganging upon him." The goals would be for each of you to express your feelings and needs honestly and openly, to discuss options for change that you both can live with, and to put in effort to make those needed changes. A counsellor can help you greatly by creating a safe place and times for discussion and the accountability and encouragement to move forward.

I just read your response to some of the posters.  I am glad your husband was receptive to the conversation and is willing to set some boundaries with his mom.  If there are aides coming in, there is no reason for him to have to abandon you so that he can sleep over with her.  She is being inconsiderate of the fact that he has a family too and has responsibilities at his own home.  It would be different if she couldn't afford help to come in and she was completely alone.  And if that were the case, I would recommend that she move somewhere so that she had help 24/7.

You did the right thing by speaking to him about your feelings.  Keeping that bottled up just leads to resentment.

Oh, gosh, I don’t have a great answer for you (will have to wait for another’s reply), but you’ve hit it in the heart with me. Your words make me realize this is what I’m doing to my husband! He has to work M-F. I am not employed in a traditional sense, so I can go help my mom whenever and however long. She’s very ill and moved from her home, to assisted living, to various hospital stays, to multiple rehabs after major surgeries, and will now need LTC. She still owns a large home an hour from us (same town where she’s rehabbing), so I’ve been gone days and weeks at a time living there away from my home and husband while I visit and check on her, attend doctors meetings, feed her, pay her bills, etc. On top of it, I take care of her home and have been cleaning it out. (She used to own a lake house, but we thankfully sold it.) He helps when he can, but I know it’s been very hard on our relationship and my health, too.

None of this will ever be “fair.” He had to do nothing for his mom (she was remarried, and her husband took care of all details.) But, I truly don’t feel I have a choice. She needs help, and her house has to be dealt with. Our problems will not just disappear. I have a sibling several hours away, but he has a busy (paid!) job and visits infrequently.

Sorry for the long back story, but my suggestion is to find a way to do some of those overnights with him to feel less left out. The “decisions” are tough especially if other siblings are involved, so you may get excluded there. Ask him how best you can help—maybe it’s just making meals while he’s tending to his parents? Tell him you feel left out and alone—but BE PREPARED for a negative reaction! He may then feel you’re not being understanding or “thinking of yourself.” He may also be grieving (or pre-grieving) losing his parents and witnessing them losing their independence. I’ve cried a river for three months, and I’m about cried out. I’ve spent every day with my mom, but I’m about to wean each of us off a bit to once or twice a week and hire a person to visit her even just for companionship and mental stimulation.

I feel for you, I’ll pray for you, and I hope things will be better, soon, for you and your spouse. Just be gently honest with him, but don’t put him in a spot where he feels he’s choosing between you and his parents. Know you’re not alone.

Best

I get the disappointment you feel but as a 70 yr old who has lost her retirement to taking care of my mom I see both sides..He is in a rough place. He needs support and understanding..this caretaking job is exhausting..more mentally and leaves little energy to cater to others needs. Sorry.. Go and enjoy life, see your friends and have a life…He is worn out …I get it..

Rather than spend more time with his family, I would re-focus on my own life.

Rather than let the resentment build further (understandable btw) I would think about what I am not doing that I want to.

I would think about a place I have been wanting to take a weekend away to & start planning it. Ask your DH to come. Make it clear he is your 1st choice of company, but if he can't (due to his family) oh well, you'll go on your own or with girlfriends.

This may accomplish 2 things: 1. You stop missing out. 2. DH can see what life he is giving up.

Hopefully it helps him to re-evaluate his plans.

I have nothing against his family (or my own in-laws!) but I have zero interest in being absorbed into what could already be an emeshed situation. This is what I have seen many times. The care needs grow & grow, absorbing a family member, then their spouse, their kids, more family members etc. Like a snowball until you wonder why you are stopping the enevitable avalance!

Is this your Husband?

If so, he will need to face this issue. Look it at. Look at when, how & what he is prepared to do.

If his parents are unsafe to live alone anymore - he is enabling them in their denial. This will be an uncomfortable conversation. But as you have just found with your talk with your DH - communication can be so very important.

My last thoughts are rather than back your DH into a 'MIL vs You' corner - support him to move out of his F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) instead. To stand up to his Mother. I think THAT is the crux of your issue.

Thanks for all your helpful advice. We talked about how I am feeling, and he agreed that he needs to set some boundaries with his mother. He's going to limit the number of nights he stays with his mom. The aides will spend a few nights a week with his mother so that we have some time together. Someone asked me how he would feel if it were my parents. My husband is very controlling and does not like when I'm not around. He would have a very difficult time if I was spending time with my parents, especially evenings. He would try to make me feel guilty for my absence. Someone else suggested I spend time with him and his parents. Please know that I do spend time visiting them, cooking for them, and helping with their medical needs. I do NOT spend the nights there. I also limit my visits as I work full-time and have responsibilities at home (pets, laundry, etc.). I also found the aides, interviewed them, and encouraged my husband to build them into the schedule. He's receptive, but his mother is asking if he can be the one to stay with her at night instead of the aides.

You must remember that men are not mind readers, and unless you share openly with him how you are feeling, he honestly has no clue.
So sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk, and try working on some ideas that will work for the both of you, where you both will get what you need during this time of caring for elderly parents.
I wish you the very best.

Try talking to him. Don’t say things like, “YOU don’t pay attention to me anymore,” and instead say, “I miss you because I feel we never spend quality time anymore.” If you approach it from a non-blame angle, you’re more likely to have success and not get his back up. If he’s immediately in defense-mode, it will just end in a fight.

Try coming up with alternative solutions like hiring a PSW for his parents (research costs beforehand so that you’re prepared) and try to appear empathetic to his plight. It’ll go a long way.

Have you been honest with him about how you’re feeling? Tell him exactly what you’ve said here and see how he reacts. Counseling for you both may help, an outside person with a fresh perspective

It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him. Maybe you
could go along when he visits his
parents then maybe you would not feel left out. You could also help with their care and don’t blame him. His
parents may not live much longer if they need so much help. Would u feel this way if you had to do the same with your parents.

Does he know how you feel?

Is his lack of care for you when ill a new issue or a long-standing one?

Do you think he is interested on making this marriage work?