The Holidays; I would really like to have my own side of the family for Thanksgiving. Any suggestions?

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My in-laws are both 90 and live in up-scale assisted living about 1 1/2 hours from my husband and I. In the past 36 years of marriage we have hosted all but one holiday for my husband's parents. My father-in-law is very difficult and the other (3 adult) children are "never available" to invite their parents to visit on holidays. As a result every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day etc I spend cooking and waiting on my husband's parents. They are very appreciative but have come to expect spending every holiday with us. I would really appreciate some help and have asked numerous times over the years for someone to either host them or visit so that I might have my own family visit. My in-law extended family tend to be quite domineering so that my family feels uncomfortable. My husband's siblings will visit during the year when it is convenient for them and usually end up with a family dinner at our home so everyone can be together. All extended family have plenty of resources for travel, restaurants, and hotels. I am happy to have my husbands family for Christmas, Easter, ect but would really like to just have my own side of the family for Thanksgiving. Any suggestions?

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Thank you for all the excellent advice! Since my children and grandchild live nearby & my family lives quite a distance - my family usually makes the trip. I think we will try to spend at least Easter with my out of state family and hope my own children can make the trip. I begin fretting over the holiday mess in August - I'm sure many out there have the same issues! Thanks again for some great ideas!
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Ha Midkid! We're always talking about setting boundaries for our parents. Now we find we need to set boundaries for our kids too!
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Here's another question about boundaries-how easily they can be ignored and suddenly you are facing "traditions" that just weigh you down.

I am the "glue" for my nuclear family. If I don't plan and execute all parties and get togethers, they don't happen. 2 years ago I almost killed myself over the Xmas family party in spending so much time, money and energy--and less than 1/3 of the family showed. I couldn't even get most of the "millenials" to respond with an RSVP....after dinner and some games, I went into the kitchen of the church we were using and called my sibs in. Told them I was DONE and no more Christmas parties or summer parties would be on my plate.

Big surprise, nobody stepped up to fill in the blank. Mother feels horrible that our family is fractured into smaller families--but that's what happens. I personally don't miss the Christmas thing, and my younger brother did have a small summer party after his 1st grandkids were born (twins)...but that's been it for the last 2 years.

And you know what? IT'S OK!!

I also told my adult daughters that I was done doing Tgiving dinner every year. It was just exhausting and I just got to the point I hated it. I have cut Christmas down by about 80% and whatever is done by Dec 15th is all I do.

I am not going to be apologetic about that. You shouldn't be either! Times change, families grow and shrink and move about....old traditions just eventually cave in and are replaced with new ones.

I think, when we become resentful about just being expected to do it all--it's time to take a breath, a step back and rethink. I am not doing well... healthwise, right now and I am not sharing that with my kids--just told my daughters I wasn't cooking Tgiving dinner. They both happily stepped up and we will have it at DD's house. All I have to make is pie. It hit me that my daughters are 40, 36, 33 and 31!!! I have cooked Tgiving every year for 32 years. Hopefully, have cooked my last!!
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With the parents as far away as they r, you r not really going to be able to hold all these dinners. Maybe it's time to cut some out. Memorial Day and July 4th are not that important. The AL should have celebrations for these.. Easter maybe you can go to them and have dinner at the AL. I know Mom's did this for a small price. Mothers Day and Fathers Day they could be taken out somewhere near the AL. You shouldn't do it all. It's time the other children do their share.  Maybe alternate holidays going to the parents.
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Since u have TG dinner every year, where does ur family usually eat? Talk with them and tell them u would really love TG with them for a change. Maybe someone can have TG at their house. There are dishes you can prepare ahead and take with you if cooking I what you enjoy. Then u can tell his family that you have been invited out and you r taking a break. Maybe it will help in cutting back on feeding his family at more holidays. 30yrs is a long time. Parents will get a nice dinner at the AL.
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I am also the go to family member,, and this year I have to work thanksgiving. We are doing the meal the day before,, just hubs, daughter, mom and I. Scaling it back, and not having FIL. Since the Bils daughter and her hubs have a baby,, the BIl and wife want to go there, and still want us to have FIL. NOt this year! They live in his house, are supposed to care for him,,, this year they can. NOw to see what Chirstmas brings.. I really don't think we can handle MIL from the MC this year, and luckily (at this time) hubs agrees. So it may be a thankfully small Christmas too!
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I would take a break. Ask one of your family to host TG at their house. You can cook there and bring anything that can be brought ahead. I see no problem with saying to his family you have been invited out. His parents will have TG at the AL. Maybe this can be the start of you backing out of these meals. The planning, cooking and clean up can be exausting as we age. After 30 yrs it's someone else's turn.
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I think all you have to do is ask mention to your inlaws that you are "spending thanksgiving with my family this year". Since they live 1 1/2 hours away - it is not likely that they will just show up. You don't have to hide - you deserve to host your family if you want to. Enjoy.
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Tothill has the perfect solution -- you go to your family! That will force one of your husband's sibs to step up. And if not? Well, I'm sure the upscale assisted living facility will have a very nice Thanksgiving dinner.
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That's one way to do it. Just send word that you and hubby will be celebrating Thanksgiving with your family and they will need to make their own arrangements. If the adult siblings don't step up, then, in-laws can just relax and have their meal delivered to their home.  There are some places that will deliver turkey meal an fixings.  

I'd confirm that everyone gets the memo, though, so no one pretends they didn't know and shows up at your doorstep. You are entitled to your own plans on the holiday. I wouldn't think twice about it.
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