My in-laws are both 90 and live in up-scale assisted living about 1 1/2 hours from my husband and I. In the past 36 years of marriage we have hosted all but one holiday for my husband's parents. My father-in-law is very difficult and the other (3 adult) children are "never available" to invite their parents to visit on holidays. As a result every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day etc I spend cooking and waiting on my husband's parents. They are very appreciative but have come to expect spending every holiday with us. I would really appreciate some help and have asked numerous times over the years for someone to either host them or visit so that I might have my own family visit. My in-law extended family tend to be quite domineering so that my family feels uncomfortable. My husband's siblings will visit during the year when it is convenient for them and usually end up with a family dinner at our home so everyone can be together. All extended family have plenty of resources for travel, restaurants, and hotels. I am happy to have my husbands family for Christmas, Easter, ect but would really like to just have my own side of the family for Thanksgiving. Any suggestions?
I am the "glue" for my nuclear family. If I don't plan and execute all parties and get togethers, they don't happen. 2 years ago I almost killed myself over the Xmas family party in spending so much time, money and energy--and less than 1/3 of the family showed. I couldn't even get most of the "millenials" to respond with an RSVP....after dinner and some games, I went into the kitchen of the church we were using and called my sibs in. Told them I was DONE and no more Christmas parties or summer parties would be on my plate.
Big surprise, nobody stepped up to fill in the blank. Mother feels horrible that our family is fractured into smaller families--but that's what happens. I personally don't miss the Christmas thing, and my younger brother did have a small summer party after his 1st grandkids were born (twins)...but that's been it for the last 2 years.
And you know what? IT'S OK!!
I also told my adult daughters that I was done doing Tgiving dinner every year. It was just exhausting and I just got to the point I hated it. I have cut Christmas down by about 80% and whatever is done by Dec 15th is all I do.
I am not going to be apologetic about that. You shouldn't be either! Times change, families grow and shrink and move about....old traditions just eventually cave in and are replaced with new ones.
I think, when we become resentful about just being expected to do it all--it's time to take a breath, a step back and rethink. I am not doing well... healthwise, right now and I am not sharing that with my kids--just told my daughters I wasn't cooking Tgiving dinner. They both happily stepped up and we will have it at DD's house. All I have to make is pie. It hit me that my daughters are 40, 36, 33 and 31!!! I have cooked Tgiving every year for 32 years. Hopefully, have cooked my last!!
I'd confirm that everyone gets the memo, though, so no one pretends they didn't know and shows up at your doorstep. You are entitled to your own plans on the holiday. I wouldn't think twice about it.
Early in my marriage I took a firm stand with my ex's family about holidays or visits in general. I very clearly stated that I had my own family and would be spending time with them too. I would choose my schedule from one year to the next. I did not worry about getting into an alternating pattern.
This year I am spending Christmas in the Rockies with just my son. Far away from all the drama.