I take care of my mother in my home. Can I ask visitors to call before visiting and ask if it's a good time?

I think it’s worthwhile to work out an answer that doesn’t sound as though S has to get your permission to visit mother. ‘Let me know you are planning on coming. If it’s not a good time for some reason, we’ll sort out another time’.

Oh my! Tape your conversations you have with her to have proof that you are not refusing her visitations with mom.. You have the right to know when she is coming
as it is your home and if you state your concern you are not being too demanding whatsoever.  if she calls tape your conversations so that you have a way of backing up what you say and what she is saying so you have proof for the siblings
hope this was helpful

Absolutely,

First comment is ...yes you can ask anyone to call before they come over. But in reality that might not always happen so be open to having visitors IF it is convenient at the time. (if you are in the middle of helping mom with something and you can not have visitors..if you are getting ready to take mom to the salon to get her hair cut you can't have visitors)

After reading some of your comments to other's replies you REALLY REALLY need to talk to a Lawyer that specializes in Elder Care.
You need to have POA for health and finances.
You need to have clarification as to how to handle finances.
You need to look down the road for the long haul, will Medicaid be necessary and how will past decisions effect the application process for that.

This reminds me of the time someone asked Ann Landers whether s/he had the right to ask a family not to bring their dog when they visited. Ann answered "you not only have the right, but you also have my permission if that will help."

I believe the OP has the permission of most if not all the people on this forum to request that visitors call first..

Your home, your rules. You do you.

I would really suggest you make an appt with an attorney. Preferably one with a specialty in elder care. If you don’t know about POA, then you and your mother need to understand more clearly about about a lot of things. Like co-mingling finances (something not to do) as well as how best to protect her and any assets she may have. If your sister is already spending lies, that won’t get better and sometimes family members call and make false reports of abuse. So best to get a complete overview of how best to proceed.

Sandra,

Thanks for your response to my post. Sounds like your sister and your mom did not have the best relationship. That’s sad. Lots of us have crappy siblings.

If you are happy in your living arrangement and your mom is satisfied as well, your sister should not interfere. You know your sister and I would ask your mom to give you authority since she is living under your roof. Look into a POA.

I’m sorry that you don’t receive more financial assistance. I realize it’s hard. I had mom with me so I know it’s challenging at times.

Was your dad a veteran and serve during war time? If he was, please seek out financial assistance from them. You will be able to receive approximately 1200 a month in aid and assistance.

If any one wants to see my mother they have to call me first...at this point, if she is having a bad day I can just tell the person to try different day that would be better for her.

It is your house and you have the right to set the rules, along with keeping her safe!

Does someone have your mother's DPOA or HCPOA? If not, please get both these documents while your mother remains competent. If you place her in AL after the POA terms for incompetence have been met your sister will not be able to take her out of the AL. HCPOA determines where the principal (your mother) lives.

Of course it is fine for you to request that she call first. It’s your house and you are the one who is caring for your mom. You know what is best.

Don’t allow her to make you feel guilty. Anyone that knows you as a caring caregiver knows that you have your mom’s best interest at heart. They also know how stressful it is on you.

I don’t mean to speak badly about your sister but from your description she sounds like a drama queen who embellishes the truth. I bet others realize this about her as well.

I hope she realizes her petty behavior and apologizes to you and learns to appreciate you for taking care of your mom. She should be thankful instead of criticizing you.

Also, don’t allow your sister to dictate what you do in life that is best for you or your mom. If you feel this is too much and feel that your mom would be better served in a facility than do so. Does she have any authority to decide what is best? How did mom end up in your home?

I was in your shoes. I have sibling issues too. It can become complicated and difficult. I understand what you’re going through. Hugs!

Best wishes to you and your family.

Thanks for helping me.
I did not think I am being to demanding.
My sister has not visited my mother for a month. Because of this.
She's called mother and mother put her call on speaker. That's the way she talks to everyone. My sister got angry.
Its hard for her to hear with out it.
Then she texted mother and asking if it's really her. Saying that I monitor all her calls
I do not but another family member does. Mom looks for young men and has gotten scamers. Asking her for money.
She is 80 years old and the beginning of dementia. So we do monitor her phone.
I have a baby monitor on mom.
Its mostly for at night.
Sometimes mom gets up in the middle of the night. One night she fell. My husband and I had to go help her up.
Ill do anything to keep mom safe.
BUT my sister hates the monitor up.
On top of that . She don't want me there in the living room when she visits. I'm not leaving my living room.
Its a bigger story bigger than this.
Question from the family has arose about her taking money from mom.
We all think that this is the reason she wants me out . That she don't want to being heard asking for money from mom.
Its terrible that I have to live like this. I have 6 living brother and sister and she's the only one that makes trouble for everyone.
I've considered putting mom in an assistant living home.
BUT I'm afraid my sister will pull her out.
Mm does not want to live with her, mom has made that plain to all. No. She [my sister] is not the baby. But she is demanding.
Pray for me and mom . Oh for my sister too.

I can relate to the stress of drop in visitors.
Your sister, being someone who should be a regular visitor, could have a set time to visit. Wednesdays at 2 as an example. Ask your sister to be a resource for mom that you both can count on. My aunt has a nephew that comes to have coffee with her twice a week. She loves seeing him. He is only there 15 min or so but it’s nice for both of them. Sometimes he brings his small grandchildren and she loves that.
But he is factored in and comes routinely. Aunt has a busy morning with her aide helping her with her ADLs. So if someone just drops in it interrupts the routine. That might sound like a small thing but it’s stressful for the aide and aunt. Your mother may not be that tied to a schedule but I think most people do better with a routine. If you are like the rest of the caregivers, you may be a little stressed to begin with, so consider that.
I find that most people who aren’t caregivers can’t truly appreciate the experience and the toll it takes. I hope you can work it out. And no you are not too demanding.

My house, my time. I am not a morning person and getting me and Mom going was exhausting. No way would I want someone "stopping in". A call would be nice and then u could plan around it. While Sis is there take advantage of it.

Families are usually aware when one of them is a Drama Queen. My DD had an arguement with a longtime friend. My DD was right. GF had her Mom on her side but the sisters were on my DDs side because...the GF is a drama queen.

I really thought I'd replied before but it must have not hit 'enter' so, yes they should call before visiting. It's your house.
Why don't people get it?

Of course you can say that.

Your castle, your rules.

And besides - it just common curtesy, in my opinion - regardless of who’s who and whatever the situation is.

Personally, it annoys the crap out of me when people just “drop by”, “in the neighborhood”, etc. Its thoughtless and rude. That’s what telephones are for and now since EVERYONE has a cell - no excuse NOT to call ahead. But, maybe that’s just me.

Of course.  You may want to say, best times for visiting are Saturday and Sunday PM, whatevre