Need advice! Not divorce. I need to be able to help my Mom some way. How can I get my husband to understand?

Something sounds very wrong to me. His response to a human crisis in the family is completely abnormal to me. He sound like he has no empathy?? Have you noticed this before? It is very strange!~ Has he got high functioning Asbergers or Narcissistic traits? If so, his behavior makes sense. And if so, you probably can't help him understand. You just need to help your mom and forget trying to communicate with him! Get to your mom pronto. You have no time to waste trying to make sense with a man with severe deficits. You have a crisis to attend to!

You legally own half.

You write that you make over six figures - it sounds like you don’t let anyone control you in the workplace.

You will do what is most important to you.

I would check w airline prices & find cheapest dates if you can travel only 3 days a month to see mom & then call certain time or text her so she knows you care. As I look back I wish I had done more communication & now is too late. When you visit, address moms $. Make. Sure no scams or $ sent whomever requests by mail. Make sure she is able to give to church or charities of her choice but still pay her bills. I assume she has friends that visit her or she them. If not able to visit phone calls to friends would be appreciated but get into a good habit for everybody involved. Make your calls when husband not home or on your way home. Sounds like your only child w controlling husband. If she maintains friendships where she lives she would probably prefer to stay there vs move near you. Is she lonely? I’ve heard of helping find someone to rent a not used bedroom for company. Please make time for mom in your life just like you would like when you are alone & had a stroke. Ask God for guidance.

Why do you have to answer to your husband for how you choose to spend some of your OWN hard earned money? I don't understand that. You work full time and so, you are putting X amount of dollars into a joint account every month. Must you ask permission to buy new clothing or have a pedicure? It sounds that way, since you say you've offered to give up something in exchange for helping mom and he said nope. If you've agreed to such an arrangement, then you're in a no win situation because you've appointed him your boss. If you haven't agreed to such an arrangement, then send your mother a check for however much you'd like....its your OWN MONEY you're sending, just so you're clear on that.

I do agree with the others in that you need to go visit mom, have a look at her spending habits and income, and set up a budget for her. As far as hubby is concerned, if you've allowed him to be in charge of your finances and financial decisions, NOW is the time to change all of that. Everyone needs some money of their own that nobody else has any control over. Just as HE has the right to treat his parents to certain extras, YOU have the same right to treat your mom to those extras. Those extras are not earned on a tit-for-tat basis, but doled out as you each see fit.

Please don't neglect your mother! She needs to live within driving distance of you so you can check on her regularly. Your husband is only thinking of himself and his side of the family. He's selfish.

Perhaps you could pay for someone to clean her home and spend time with her for a few hours once or twice a week.

your husband should understand, if he has any sense at all.would he more understanding if it was one of his parents?

I would be firm and tell your husband you are going to help your mother. I can not believe he is so selfish. I would never put up with this type of behavior. Gifts are not important who did what in the past does not matter. This is now and your mother needs help, not just financially but help with care. Are you able to move your mother close to you or in your home? I think she may need help with her ADL's after suffering a stroke. Your husband is way out of line. His parents are not more important than your mother. Do not let him bully you into making a bad choice, please.

Sorry, but what rock did you find your husband under?
Now is about the time I would start going over all the expenses that involved, his parents on your trips, his buddies, golf outings, gifts purchased for his parents compare to what he paid for your Mother. How about your cars? Who has the most expensive/impressive one?
Do you live in Common property State or Community property. 99.9% chance it's Common, so I'd start looking to see whose name is on all the titles and deeds because if everything is in your husband's name....you're screwed.
Tall with HR and put money into an account UNDER YOUR NAME so you can take YOUR money to help your Mom. Make sure you tell him you would like 50% of the money spent on his parents that is above and beyond what has been spent on your Mother to make things even.
After all, common property which includes co-mingled funds under both names means you get a voice and you what your common property dollars to help your Mother. THINGS MUST BE "COMMON" FOR BOTH PARTIES.
If this ruffles his feathers, start looking for a divorce lawyer and pictures of everything you own as well as bank account statements.
This may be an odd question, but who actually takes care of your finances? Please tell me he doesn't or if he does, it's only because using the computer and making sure the checkbook balances yadda yadda is just too much for you. If that's his answer, follow the money.
There could be trouble in paradise and I only say this because IF MY HUSBAND were to refuse me to help my Mother, I'd drop kick him into his next life.
YOU MISSY, have every RIGHT to care for your Mother. Dang, move her in with you and hire 24/7 nurse(s) to help care for her.
Hnow dare he place you between a rock and a hard place regarding this?!
Stand up for yourself and your Mother. Talk with an elder law attorney while you're at it.
Makes me wonder what he would do for you is something happened. Put her in a home, keep her on drugs so she doesn't know what day it is or whether it's day or night while he goes on with his life.
There, I've had my say. I pray that you find your way and stop allowing your husband to abuse/bully you like this. Dang, sounds like a Hollywood movie.

Your husband is wrong. Your mother is just as important as his mother. His actions are saying...I'll only take care of you if you've paid it forward in my life. BIG RED FLAG! If I were you, I would check all your financial holdings. You say you have equal incomes, that means there better be checks and balances in place to protect you and yours. I wouldn't trust him AT ALL!

Hold up a minute! Please do not open a joint banking account with your mother until you check with an elder care attorney. If your mom ever needs to go to a nursing home, etc., you could lose a lot of YOUR money. You do need to open a checking account (and savings, too) separate from your husband and establish credit accounts in your name only to protect yourself from possible future monetary problems. If you see that your mother cannot survive on her income you should be free to do support her as you like - after you have taken account of where your mom's income is being dispersed. Luck and prayers!

I agree with everyone who said that you need to lay eyes on your mother and help her establish a budget for herself before giving her any money. If she is living beyond her means, you can help her plan for how to cut expenses. If she needs to downsize, you can help her find a realtor and estate liquidator. You also can help her find an attorney to get her important paperwork together. Perhaps the attorney's first consultation fee can be a gift from you.

There seems to be a lot more to the story of how her expenses exceed her income, and perhaps that is the reason behind your husband's reluctance to help her financially. I am in a similar situation with my FIL who is blowing through the money he saved for retirement at an eye-watering pace. If my husband asked me to help his father maintain his current lifestyle I, like your husband, would balk and tell him that we can revisit the conversation when his father cut his expenses. And it's not because I love money more than my FIL. It's because I insist on being financially prudent.

What your mom did for you was invaluable.

Send your mother a check and take it from there. You will at least feel as if you’ve done something to help her. I take it that her stroke made working more difficult for her, if not impossible. Who cares what hubby thinks as long as it’s something you can easily afford? You are equals.

His parents’ gifts to you were GIFTS, property given without the expectation of recompense. They saddle you with no burden unless you act as if they do.

Good luck and I hope your mom does better.

I think you need to visit your mom and evaluate the situation. Why is she unable to live off her own income? What changes need to be made?

I know this goes against popular opinion but I would not be happy if my joint income was going to support someone outside of our household. My husband and I have always kept separate bank accounts. As long as he has his share of the bills covered I don't care what he does with 'his' money. Once it is in a joint account it is now 'our' money. While I might not mind a one time help I certainly would not being on board with me working to support some other family member.

Does your marriage come first? Or your mom?
In general, adults are supposed to fund their own old age. If there is truly disproportionate wealth, there can be exceptions to that rule.

Why is it that your mom can't support herself?

You do NOT need his permission to help your Mother!!!! I would open a joint checking with your Mom & help pay for her bills . I would also start to look for either assisted living or aides to help your Mom...can you take some time to visit her alone? Get a better handle on the situation & she what she’s able to do for herself & what she had difficulty with...for example, dressing, shopping for food, house maintenance, etc. Also, get poa & health proxy from Elder Atty. She have Will? You have a lot of work to do..Use your vacation days not to spend with non caring, selfish husband, but to go spend time with your Mother. After spending a few days with her, you will better know what she needs & create a plan . Do you have any siblings that can join you in this journey ahead? Do not discuss this again with selfish husband. Keep it to yourself. It’s not his mother & is none of his business. Hugs 🤗

Luloo,
After all of the previous advice presented here, it still concerns me that you may be in an abusive relationship, not necessarily physically abusive but mentally, and thus following through on some well-meaning suggestions here may invoke your husband's ire. His not "understanding," as you say, that you want to help your mom when he willingly helps his parents is such a red flag to me, if what you say about him (very limited info) is true. Why don't you "understand" why you have a combined account? Has there never been a discussion of why? Have you overspent irresponsibly on an agreed-upon budget area and he needed to pull in the reins to protect your finances? I don't wish it to sound like it's all your fault that your husband is limiting your spending, especially when you say he is unwilling to allow you to "help" your mom, if that's really the case.

Your mom lives in another state, had a stroke, "needs help" with her living and financial situation.

Does it upset your husband that you want to spend time with her? I'm wondering if you truly understand the state of mom's finances, or do you just "know" from what she tells you. Do you have freedom to travel to spend time with her delving in depth into her financial situation?

In my opinion, there's so much we just don't know here about your marriage relationship, your finances, and your mom's situation to give you truly helpful advice. Do you feel comfortable giving us more details?

I am sorry your family is having this conflict. You've already indicated that your mom suffered a stroke. Here in the U.S. that could easily produce hefty medical bills and perhaps increased living expenses thereafter. And paying for that could very easily cost more than 1/4 of a couple of excellent incomes. Many men, being strong and powerful, are terrified of looking any kind of weakness in the face. It makes them have to confront their own vulnerability and mortality. You don't mention whether you have (adult) children. If you do, it would good to remind him that they are seeing how you as a couple handle the needs of the senior family members. He could be on the not-receiving end some day. And kids do note things like playing favorites. Any of us could step outside and be hit by a meteorite today, and then the physical health and finances disappear immediately.
I'm most concerned about the lack of connection this situation is revealing. This is important to you, and he is treating it like it is not important. I would hope he would be willing to go to counseling with you, but at the very least, if he won't go, you can at least seek counseling for yourself. If you don't have someone in mind, friends have told me 1-800-newlife is a good starting place for a listening ear and to get names/numbers of good counselors.

First, whatever you do, make sure your ducks are standing at attention before you go any further with your husband. See an attorney for legal consulting, and take 50% of your accounts and place them in an account with your name only. Go visit your mom. You don't need his permission, approval or understanding. If the situation is necessary, make arrangements for her to be moved to your area. You return, find an acceptable place for her to live. If he gets upset... remind him it's your mother and family. His behavior at this point will be a real insight of him and his qualities or lack of. Anyone who can not understand this has another motive in play. Protect yourself, your future while taking care of Mom. You may not want a divorce, but if he can't handle an out-of-state mom, he might.

some people are just selfish.i feel sorry for your husband ,because he doesn't need to be so selfish. you appear to be a kind and unselfish lady. it's your money and you have the right to use it as you wish.you want to do the right thing for your mother . and he should back you up in that you want to take care of your mother .that is the true role of a understanding husband.

Wow...he sounds a bit uncompassionate. But without getting to into his personality traits is he unaware that you are allowing "YOUR income" to treat HIS parents? Sounds to me like it’s a control issue with him and lack of respect for your contribution to the financial scenario in your family. I hate to say this but I think this has a lot of deep issues within him and how he views money....and it might be best to get a professional to talk with you both about this situation. Your name is on the account and nothing stops you from sending her money but it sounds as though he has the final word, which is not how a marriage should work. So you are being most generous in trying to persuade him and in the same time trying to understand him. But He doesn’t seem to be willing to do the same. Counseling dear girl, to get at the bottom of this. Otherwise you will go around and around in circles with a power struggle.

You don't need his "Permission" to do anything. That concept left decades ago.
He needs to adjust to the equality in your relationship. Make appt. with a counselor if you feel the need for understanding and support.
You have mine!

I was in identical situation!
Husband would buy expensive meals, gifts, trips, Christmas and Birthday gifts
for his parents. But not for my mom.
Even if she was visiting during holidays
and birthdays.
I never did find a reason for his controlling behavior.
There is a resource called Hope for the
heart. (A series of well-written books)
the author will help you see your side.
Also what to do!

Probably not what you want first but I am going to start with this.
Who is handling your Mom's finances?
I would take a good look at why her income will not cover her bills.
If she is over spending and in credit card debt I might see why your husband is against helping her financially. Helping will keep you treading water not going for the dry land.
If she is not over spending but household bills are more than she can handle it might be time to "down size". This might be your opportunity to help her move closer to you.
You can look into Assisted Living or Senior housing if she can or will be able to live on her own.

Now...YOUR finances.
I hope you know ALL the accounts that are in both you and your husbands names. I hope he does not have a "secret" account(s)
Open an account in your name alone. Take a portion of your pay and place it in that account. A joint account should be for household bills the "Have to's" A personal account can be for the "Wants"
Just wondering do you have access to the account you currently have or does he have to write the check or authorize a withdrawal? If he has to authorize that is a HUGE red flag.
And if you do not have a credit card in your name alone get one. You need to have a credit history.

I agree with the others, that maybe it's time to put some money aside for yourself, where you don't have to ask your husband's permission. It may be impossible to get him to understand your point of view, but family is family, and it's not a question of doing everything equally, but rather who needs help.

Well, I never believed in co-mingling funds. My husband and I each put x # of dollars in a checking account to pay the household bills, and we invested our other monies separately. So, neither of us needed the others approval as to what we spent our money on. Sounds like you have acquiesced to him over the years and he is in charge, you have allowed this power to rule you. It is your money too, do what you want, he doesn't need to understand, the lack of understanding is his problem, not yours. There is nothing to justify, be your own person, stand up and be counted, open a checking account, transfer some $$$ to it, use it to help your mother, you don't need his approval...you are not a child.

MMaybe its time to seperate accounts. Sounds like he wants to control your finances which is not ok. You should help your mom. If you dont do it who will? As for her saising you by her self she had the same mentality and did it out of love. Do not let your husband make the decision to care for your mother you do it. You work and make your own money, its time to take your power back. No need for divorse but he shoukd not be allowed to make this decision period.

The way you and your husband function as a couple was defined long before your mother’s illness. IMO, you may have to take a look at the boundaries of your marriage and your relationship with your mom to know how to proceed. I’m guessing in the past, you have been able to acquiesce to your husband’s wishes concerning finances and it hasn’t bothered you. Now that you have a definite strong request, he doesn’t want to acquiesce to you. You may want to consult a professional counselor to help you examine your relationships to know the best way to proceed. In my experience, when you take action to do what you want to do, your husband is going to find the actions very troubling. You are changing the dance steps of your relationship. Books that might help: Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend, Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. Taking care of aging and sick parents isn’t for sissies, is it? For me, it has been one of the most challenging parts my life. This forum has helped me.

Take a good look at the man you married. Maybe it's time to get rid of him!

If you have combined income and accounts then why does he mind for you to possibly open separate account with just some of your earnings to help with mom. It sounds unfair and one sided. Sounds like a heart to heart with him is in order so he can try to understand how important and why its important, to help your mother also. I hope you find an agreed upon plan to help mom but keep marriage in tact. Keep us posted!!:)

Go visit your mom see what you can do makes changes for her if its to down size sell her house get her something smaller do so but go see her please.