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3.5 years ago when dad had his stroke he lost some vision on one eye, and has some memory problems, but the worst part is the anger, he is so angry, calls mom names breaks stuff, even pushed her down and takes off down the road on his scooter. We finally have him so doped up by prescriptions that now he mostly just sits and does nothing. Can't even dress himself. I hate it but it's better than the screaming and cussing and anger. My mom has been diagnosed recently with Parkinsons. I personally think the Drs are wrong, but mom I think, likes the fact that she has something wrong too, that way I have to do more. I have been taking care of them through all of it, with very little help. My brother is a drunk and a quadriplegic, my sister died in 1999, from cancer. Lately I have shut down, my mother is so manipulative and lies and gossips constantly. I just flipped out on her, by telling her I just couldn't take it anymore, she calls constantly, and she always needs something. I know she is lonely they were always very social in church and went alot of places, and now they cant. I feel so bad, I tried to apologize, but she just turned it into another argument by telling more lies, so i just left. I have nurses coming and hospice, but I know she is still very lonely, ugh! I cant stand to be around her and i feel guilty when im not. I cant reconcile. I would like to take her somewhere and have a good fun day with her, but when I try she starts her gossiping and lies its crazy, I try to just ignore it because she is so old, but then she makes stuff up and calls my brother, then he calls me then it just causes more drama. I don't want to do this anymore, but there is no one else, this sucks. I'm in my late 50s my husband is 60s, so much traveling and the golden years. We are stuck, I feel trapped. Seems selfish I know, I need help being a more kind loving daughter. I need to figure out how to be more compassionate. I started out real good, but 3.3 years later, I'm just tired , angry and sad. How am I going to do this for possibly 10 or more yrs, no money for assisted living care facility. I figure pretty soon they will have to move to my house. If not both then when one passes the one left definitely will. Life pretty much sucks, I pray I don't live that long. And am that dependent on others. So very sad.

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Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Caregiverhelp11
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What state are you in? Have you applied for Medicaid for them? Does Medicaid cover assisted living in your state?

Id start by contacting the Area Agency on Aging and asking for a needs assessment. They should also figure out how to use parent's resources to pay for care.

You are not their retirement plan. Tell mom you will come to visit once a week. She needs to keep a shopping list and a separate " things that need to get done" list. You shows up one day a week. All other request? Put it on the list, ma"

This is called setting boundaries. You decide what you can do. NOT her.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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The standard advice here on the forum is that you can't change what others do, you can only change the way you react to it. It sounds to me as though they both would be much better off in a retirement home, but I suppose that isn't an easy sell? AgingCare has a link to some books I've seen recommended often on the forum:

https://www.agingcare.com/products/boundaries-updated-and-expanded-edition-when-to-say-yes-how-to-say-no-to-take-control-of-your-life-440831.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/products/emotional-blackmail-when-the-people-in-your-life-use-fear-obligation-and-guilt-to-manipulate-you-440836.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/products/loving-hard-to-love-parents-a-handbook-for-adult-children-of-difficult-older-parents-434033.htm
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Reply to cwillie
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