How can I get my husband to understand my desire to want to help my Mom and how can I better understand his perspective not to? The time has come where my Mom, my only parent, needs help after suffering a stroke and I want to help and am able to financially- she doesn't live in my state otherwise I would just help personally. However, my husband is refusing since we have combined accounts which I don't understand when we both make over six figures and she struggles to take care of herself physically and now lives on less than 1/4 a month of what we make and her bills are more than that. Yet, here we are going out to expensive dinners, parties, fancy trips, and even most recently helping pay for his parents to join us - which I have no problem doing as he wants to make their life easier financial. I even offered to give up something in exchange to help her. Nope. So how is my Mom's situation any different? Well, apparently his parents have done and do so much for us- a lot financially in past - the wedding, expensive presents, and are handy around the house. My Mom not as much financial as she doesn't have it. For me though, she has done a lot - she raised me by herself, she has given us gifts (not as expensive) but still tries. I just don't know how to get him to understand and I don't how to understand him. Any advise would be appreciated.

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I'll apologize up front because I'm going to sound nasty and I don't mean to.

What century are you and hubby living in where HE arbitrarily gets to direct where YOUR earnings go? If he alone handles the family finances, you are in for a rude awakening when he is gone. I would advise that you don't ask him for funds for your mother, you TELL him that you are going to provide a certain amount per month for her out of your own earnings. Most companies have direct deposit these days. Open a joint account for you and your mom and have a part of your paycheck go there directly - he'll never have his hands on it.

I was married to someone with a cash register where his heart should be, so I do know the type. Would you believe my ex actually sent my mother a registered letter within a week of my stepfather's death telling her she was not to call our house phone to speak to me, but had to call my personal cell so as not to disturb his privacy? He also - behind my back - wrote a letter to my estranged father telling him he owed me for 4 years of college. I found that out when my father was dying. He didn't treat his own parents any better. Now he is alone. His parents have passed away, his only sibling doesn't speak to him, we're divorced and our children want nothing to do with him - but he still has money.
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gdaughter Jul 2019 took what I was thinking and put it into words re the direct only concern is that she may be in an abusive relationship and that may be why she fears going through a divorce or making any moves like this. For while "our" direct deposit plan will work, he surely will notice I'd think the usual full deposit is not being made in their own joint account.
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I have been trying to work out how somebody who makes over six figures can't manage to create her own separate bank account from which she can make whatever payments to her mother she sees fit.

Does not compute. So I deduce: the actual question is - why is my husband being so mean to my mother? How can he be a good son to his parents, but not understand that I want to be an equally good daughter to my mother, to whom I also owe so much?

Does he fear that your mother will become a financial black hole?
Does he dislike or despise her, that you know about?
Does he feel that this is more fittingly somebody else's problem?
Is he genuinely indifferent to her welfare, or does he just think there is a better way to approach the issue?

If you don't understand your husband's feelings towards your mother, and just as importantly towards your relationship with her, then how can we possibly guess? We've never met the man.

Do with your money what you think is correct; only be sensible about it, and don't take on tip-of-the-iceberg commitments without proper planning.

And, only if you'd like to, perhaps you could tell us more about how these relationships have developed in the past, whether there's any history between them, what your husband's values are like in other, comparable situations.
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My husband and I have always combined our salaries. Actually, his went in the bank and mine was used for our weekly expenses. Gas, groceries, spending money. My DH, too, is a generous man to me. To himself, not all that much.

If ur Mom is making 1/4 of your combined income, then that is at least 50k. Thats a little more than 4k a month. My husband and I live on that. Of course, our house is paid off and so r the cars. Maybe its time to sit down with Mom and see where her money is going. Many of us don't really know what a budget is.

Is Mom paying a mortgage? Maybe the house is too much for her now. Taxes and upkeep, like paying someone to mow the lawn, just takes a big chunk out of her monthly income. Maybe time to sell. Just make sure she gets a good price. Pay the mortgage off and put away what she gets left over or pay off debts. Is she using credits cards a little too much. Is her cable high, then knock it down to basic. I have a ex friend that has no money, but continues to rent a 2 bedroom apart. Pays for a cell monthly when she continues with a landline. With her income, she could get a government phone.

My Mom knew how to budget. She did well but would have had problems the last couple of years, I am sure. Taxes and upkeep on an old house would have eaten into her income. We would have helped her. My MIL kept complaining she didn't have enough money. When we cleaned out her house, we found shoes she had never worn still in shoe boxes. Sometimes duplicates. Tons of pocketbooks. Unopened CDs, cassettes, and VCR tapes where she would join clubs and not stop them. Those figurines that you get one a month. Bookclubs. This adds up. Then we found out she had 48k in CDs. For some reason when she complained my DH didn't respond. We never gave her money. I guess he realized. Maybe because I brought it to his attention. She bought things that she didn't need. When u don't have it, u don't spend it.

Once you determine where Mom stands financially, then you can explain how Mom needs help. And I wouldn't ask. I would say "I have gone over Moms finances. We have cut out the frills and find that she needs $$ to be able to live. I am going to send her $ a month out of my salary.

A few posts have been a little harsh. But most of us are ur Moms age and have been there and done that. I am not suggesting divorce, but I do think you need to sit back and look at ur marriage. It seems to be one sided. You are not wrong in thinking "we do for your parents but we can't help my single Mom?". You r in a position a lot of woman aren't in, u make over a 100k a year. A lot of Married couples don't make that. You can walk away and support yourself. You need to stand up for yourself.
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OK. your husband thinks your money is also his but not in reverse. Also he is a d*ck. Take your money and spend it how you want
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The way you and your husband function as a couple was defined long before your mother’s illness. IMO, you may have to take a look at the boundaries of your marriage and your relationship with your mom to know how to proceed. I’m guessing in the past, you have been able to acquiesce to your husband’s wishes concerning finances and it hasn’t bothered you. Now that you have a definite strong request, he doesn’t want to acquiesce to you. You may want to consult a professional counselor to help you examine your relationships to know the best way to proceed. In my experience, when you take action to do what you want to do, your husband is going to find the actions very troubling. You are changing the dance steps of your relationship. Books that might help: Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend, Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. Taking care of aging and sick parents isn’t for sissies, is it? For me, it has been one of the most challenging parts my life. This forum has helped me.
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Ouch! That kick in the pants when you figured out that DH puts a monetary value on love must have hurt! So in his world he will help parents in direct proportion to how much money they’ve contributed to his life. His parents make the cut, but your single mom doesn’t “deserve” squat. Is everything a quid pro quo with him? Your offer to even go without something of yours in order to free up some money for mom was even rejected. I’m sorry, and I know every marriage is different, but I cannot wrap my head around how he has veto power over this.

If your single Mom was like mine, she probably sacrificed a lot when you were growing up to get you through school so you could get that six figure job, that he now enjoys the benefits of. Maybe that’s a case you could present to Mr. ThisforThat that he might relate to?

How do you get your DH to understand your desire to help Mom, who has recently had a stroke? I would take a couple weeks off my job, tell DH you’re going for a visit to “assess what Mom needs and how we can help”. Then do it. That may an eye opener for him that you’re serious and this issue is not going away just because he says so. Be an advocate for Mom. A visit will help you both. How is she physically? Does she need help around the house? Can she still get out and drive? Is she making good decisions? You will learn a lot with boots on the ground, as they say. And maybe go back with a good plan for how you can really help. Your Mom is young...spend time with her while you both can appreciate it.

Some couples can successfully combine finances. My DH and I do, but he is generous to a fault, and the thought of how much someone has given him never has passed through his head. We spent willingly to help my (single) Mom out through the years, just as I willingly agree to help his kids out when they need it. Her sacrifices helped put me in the position I could do this. That’s just what we do. After thoughtful discussion, I have never vetoed, nor been vetoed. If your DH thinks he is in charge of the purse strings of Your money, I would think seriously about separating finances.

I hope I wasn’t too harsh on you. If so I apologize, but this has really twisted my knickers.
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I personally think that the only way he will understand is if you go and get a 1st hand look at the situation.

If she is making as much money as your post implies then you need to help her live on what she gets. If we can't maintain our lifestyle financially we need to make changes. It is a simple matter of living below your means.

The situation with your husband is an entirely different bag of fish. Is this control a cultural thing or is he just controlling? When I got married we became one and everything we own is ours, all of our money is ours, so I understand that aspect and agree, but something sounds wrong when you have to give something up from your life to help your mom and he still says no. What is the why of his behavior.
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Assessing her needs and figuring out how to help is the best way to proceed.  Also, make sure her POA, will, etc. are in place.  Helping her sort out what she needs to do next would also put your mom at ease.  You more than likely will need to do this eventually better sooner while she still has the mental capacity to understand it.
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Umm, your mom lives on 1/4 of what you and your husband together make, which is 6 figure each? That seems to me to actually be quite a bit that she has. While I believe you should be able to do what you wish with your own money, despite your husband's opinion, maybe your mom needs to have some help with managing her finances. Are her medical bills the problem? Does she now need home care or to downsize her living situation? What other help does she need? I like the advice to go visit her and find out exactly what is going on with her. Help her help herself. You don't need your husband's approval. This is 2019.
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Your heart has to over rule anything else. You will need to figure out what is the greatest value for you. Is it to live comfortably? Please your husband? Or take care of your mom even when it’s unfavorable?

I’ve been married to my husband for 39 years and after approximately 20 years into the marriage I began to notice my husband wanting to favor his family and leave mine out. Especially around holidays we would always go over to his mother’s house while my mother, a single parent, stayed home by herself. I’m the only girl and my other siblings are boys, but I seemed to be the only one who would think of and care for our mother.

And so it has been ever since I was a young girl I’ve always wanted to reciprocate what I perceived as my mom’s selfless kind of love.

So I began to cook dinner in our home on holidays and have my mother over and sometimes my brothers. My husband did not like this idea but I told him he could invite his family as well.

Approximately five years ago my mother started showing signs of dementia. She was asked to leave her senior building because she became more aggressive. We didn’t know it was dementia at the time but while I searched thoroughly for any living alternative for my mother to be on her own, I begin to realize that something was wrong with her mental condition. She would’ve had to go into assisted-living in which she was not willing to share any of her financial information. She ended up in our home. But as I searched for a living unit where she could live independently or assisted, her finances would not cover the adequate living
for her. And my husband who I perceived as having softened his heart could see that this essential family member needed our help.

It has been approximately eight months since my mom came to live with us and her condition has gotten progressively worse. I am my mother’s 24 x 7 care-taker and it is stressful. I basically have to sacrifice my own life for my mother‘s. But one good thing about our situation is that my husband has come around to be my life and health coach. He helps me tremendously. He doesn’t demand that I take care of him while caring for my mother. But I care for our home and my husband to a certain extent as well. And I have to watch my husband while he goes out and lives his life. I cannot make him feel guilty for the choice I have made. And I don’t make him feel guilty for the choices he makes. We both agree that taking care of my mother is beneficial for both she and I.

Reality is, that if I am careless with my relationship between my husband and I, he could go find someone else to enjoy his life with. But I’m a big girl....if my husband makes that choice, he’s not the kind of man I want in my life after all.
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