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I am caregiver for my 83 year old wife. Besides her physical inabilities, her memory is biggest impediment to normalcy. We sit and watch TV a lot, and her senseless dribble is pretty grating. I can hardly watch TV for her talking constantly...about nothing, mostly. Sometimes it is interspersed with intelligent observations, but mostly memories from her childhood. I manage to keep my composure by research on my laptop, as well as social interaction on FB. I could tell she resented my talking on Facebook and not listening to her. It has come to a point where we have angry disagreements and she gets mad and goes to bed. (She has a TV there). I know others have this problem and wonder how to handle it diplomatically. Maybe she will eventually get over it. Her dementia gets worse, then better. Not giving up my contact with intelligence!

OldArkie, oh I feel your pain. My dad loves the sound of his own voice and thinks everyone around does too. It is continuous rambling unless he is mad, then he punishes me with the silent treatment. It is very much like dealing with a toddler that thinks the world revolves around them. Day after day of this behavior is so difficult to deal with but you sound like you are doing a great job of it.

I encourage you to hire a caregiver for a few hours a couple times a week or month, call your local counsel on aging and ask them for help, some offer help a couple times a month for free as a service provided by the county. Get out and socialize with your peers as much as you can.

You have to take care of you, you matter as much as your wife, whether she can see that in her broken brain or not. You must take care of your mental and emotional health lest you fall ill, then what happens to her?

Obviously you love her or you wouldn't be there or here, it is okay to get frustrated with this disease and the actions of your wife. Get some help going so you can be as healthy as possible to help her.

Have you talked with a certified elder law attorney to find out what you would need to do to place her in a facility if/when she requires a village? www.nelf.org is a great place to find a certified elder law attorney in your area that can guide you with the process and ensure that you have enough money to live on.

You are doing great!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I think that, because of your wife's condition, and your care of her, there just are not the boundaries that most couples form, and that are healthy. Just as a for instance, my partner and I have been together 32 years, a second relationship for both of us; we each raised two kids on our own after early divorces and met later in life when our children were grown. While we share things, and always did, the things we shared in our younger relationship, travels to Europe and a lot of physical activity, the building of a second small place and caring for it, nature and etc. has passed as we get older--we're now 78 and 80. We are more "stuck" at home, if you get my meaning. Yet each of us has our own life. He does computer and yahoo and CNN and making films for computer of old family films, and dabbles in basement at workbench. I do Facebook and even this site, write long letters, garden, read, listen to books on tape. I avoid news. He is a news junkie. And we meet together for walks, shopping, sometimes eating, sometimes we eat when we are individually ready. And it all works well. But your poor wife, with her limitations, is so dependent on you. So basically what I am saying here is YOU are "normal" and doing what you would normally do in almost any relationship at this point in life/ But your wife's illness prevents her from having a whole lot of normal outlets, so she "gets on your case". I will say to you this. She gets peeved and goes to her room? GOOD! Now you get back on FB and have a good time. I love it as well! And she will go to her room and rest or be forced to find a good true crime drama, or the trial of OJ of something, and have what most of the rest of the world has. Just tell her "I love you honey, but this is my time now." She will or she will NOT adjust, but you must have "your time".
I wish you well. I can just FEEL what it must be like to have someone so dependent on you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I understand the dribble. We usually had Mom sitting with us after dinner. She too would just talk about whatever was going thru her mind at the time. My DH asked why I didn't answer her. Because when u did she was already on a different subject and looked at me like was nuts. But my Mom was in her early stages. By stage 7, last stage, Mom pretty much had no idea what was going on around her let alone realize I was on my tablet.

Don't argue with her. Just agree and give her some attention. Remember, she is confused and they tend to latch on to the Caregiver. Your familiar. There will be times where she gets angry and paranoid and you will not figure out why. These times you may just want to let her storm out.

There will come a time when you can't do it anymore. That's when u may need to place her. If you haven't, I would look into protecting your half of assets.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Let her get mad and storm off. It's not you job to entertain her, and time she spends stewing in her room is time you've got to yourself. Start looking into facilities around you. She will need one eventually unless you want to literally kill yourself trying to carry for her.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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AlvaDeer Aug 8, 2020
I am so with you, Zippy. When Covid-19 is over, and if there are any in his area I hope he will seek day care or respite. This has to be so tough. Her storming off is going to have to be his signal to get on his media and have some respite himself.
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I understand your frustrations. Your wife isn't the same person anymore. She has a disease that is slowly taking her brain away. She has no control over that. If can acknowledge that and sympathize with her a little bit it may help you cope with it a little better. You probably remember when your wife was well and you enjoyed each others company. Hold on to those memories and keep them close. Remember your wedding vows. In sickness and in health. Take a deep breath when you feel impatience, anger, frustration, sorrow is getting the best of you. Try to take a little more time humoring her with her conversations. Be nice to her, it will make you feel better, really, it will.. Remember she's a human being, someone you once loved , with an illness she can't control, who needs support. if you can find it in yourself to do your very best to support her, you will feel better about yourself in the end. God Bless.
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Reply to mstrbill
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