I need help for my husband and myself. He does not shower, won't let me clean his room, what can I do about it?

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He is much older than I am. He has been diagnose a few years ago with paranoia and other personality disorder.
He is very depressed and will not tell his doctor about his issues.
When I do, I am treated like a crazy person because he puts on such a great cover.
I have no help from his children.
He has isolated himself. No longer goes to Church because "people talk about him", "wish him ill". etc.
I have tried to be patient and calm, but it is taking a toll on my life and health.
I work swing shift and I am home most all day with him.
He is turning 82 in November. He still drives but he should not, he does respond well in traffic. When I go to work and gets to the kitchen to cook (crock pot) which most of the time I don't mind except when he uses the stove and fry food or leave it on.
There is so much.
He is very aggressive and disrespectful to me.
I need help for him and myself and I don't know what can be done about it, if anything.

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Yes you must somehow get professional help. This is an impossible situation for you otherwise and you health will suffer. I know all about having a sick husband who will not have care in, wont let me clean his room and turns on me as the nearest person to blame for everything!. Also wants to drive when he shouldnt. He is only 5 years older than I am. 81 years. He would not go for counselling with me years ago and puts on a great act with the doctors and other people. All sweetness and light! I am paying a friend to come in once a week anyhow now - he actually likes her! l Also I I agree one has to separate the husband from the patient. I am going to a carers group locally and going to TM class. You need to get something for yourself like a relaxing aromatherapy massage . My local hospice has this sort of thing for carers and they are very understanding too of the problems we face. Yes of course you need legal and medical help and soon.
Thinking of you and hoping your life improves.
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ltdutson, I read this a few hours ago and I've been trying to think how to respond. What I can do without hesitation is offer you hugs, empathy, and encouragement. As to practical advice, I'm not so confident about that.

My husband was nineteen years older than I. It was a second marriage for both and we had a very successful blended family. We'd been married nearly 30 years when he was diagnosed with dementia. The hardest part for me, hands down, was the paranoia. For him it was a passing phase, along with belligerence, delusions, and depression. He was very willing to seek treatment for the dementia, and that, along with passing time, resulted in great improvement. I honestly don't know if/how I could have lived with those early stage symptoms indefinitely. And I had the support of his children and mine. That your husband will not accept treatment makes my heart ache for you.

A member of my family married a man with serious mental health issues (which became more evident only after they married.) He was delusional and unable to hold a job. They had children. She stayed married to him for a long time. After the children were grown she divorced him ... and also became his guardian. She loved this man. She knew he could not function on his own in the real world. But she now wanted a life of her own, not tied to his.

Mental illness of any kind is sooooo hard on the people who have it and the people who love them. Hugs to you, dear lady.

Your husband needs more help from the medical field. You, I think, need some legal advice. What are your options for seeing that this man you have loved gets good care while also protecting yourself?

Please come back and let us know what is going on for you. We care!
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So very sorry your Going through a Caregivings Nightmare, with Your Loved One ,What about Help from an agency? Its NOT UP TO YOUR HUSBAND ,,SO DON'T ASK HIM IF HE AGREE'S TO HAVE A PERSON (CERTIFIED)To RELIEVE YOU A COUPLE OF HOURS EVERY OTHER DAY TO GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.,You must separate yourself(emotionally) from patient and Husband..Otherwise you will be emotional guilty when ever your making healthy choices for your husband( he will not be in agreement ). Asking for HELP will do you BOTH Justice.He may be being disrespect also due to Bitter and resentment towards his heath.Usually we all take it out on the ones closest to us as loved family member.HE SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING EITHER.TAKE HIS KEYS AWAY IMMEDIATELY..DONT FEEL GUILTY.THIS IS ABOUT HIS SAFETY AND THE INNOCENT OTHERS ON THE ROAD(not yelling at you,,)its not what He Wants it what He NEEDS).Maybe you should talk to his GP to recommend a Social Worker to talk to to see YOUR Options..Sounds like it best you leave this to the professional to care for you Hubby NOW..You will be by his side as usual but I think his care should be up to the Pros now,,You did the best you can do but its time to hand over the ropes Girlfriend..God Bless You Sweetie and your Family
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I've heard posters on here describe a loved one's behavior as Show Time when at the docs or visiting. They are able to put up enough of a front to fool people for a brief period of time. Very frustrating when you're not believed by the docs and ridiculed by the patient himself.

You're right. YOU need help. Please find an attorney who specializes in elder law. Find out your rights. You are only months away from having to turn his care over to others . . . IF you want a life. AND YOU DESERVE ONE!

I was a second wife. He had two children. We were married 26 years. When their father was dying, they were pretty much absent. I called them both when he passed. He hadn't seen them in weeks and weeks. Too bad about your husband"s kids, but it's not particularly unusual.

My friend,knowledge is power. Go see an attorney specialist. Get your ducks in a row. Keep hammering at the docs and ask them for anxiety meds for your hubby. Can't hurt. Might help.

I wish you well. Stay strong.
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