In my state where we live, I am told there is nothing I can do. I am an only child and had POA in 2019 but means nothing since mom’s husband got her to sign new one before she was formally diagnosed. Legally, this state has guardianship only, not rights of visitation. Younger, narcissist husband (who has always resented how close our family was) has mom convinced everyone is out to get him and he has told her we (our small family of me, my uncle and my son) are after her money. Ludicrous of course since we aren’t the ones who have been living off her for 30 years. She worked, he didn’t. She is not wealthy, she just has her retirement savings that she needs. We all have our own lives and don’t think that way. I send APS out periodically just to make sure she is ok since husband took her phone away and disallowed any connection with anyone. Cut off completely. I don’t have to worry about her care like many of you, but I also cannot talk to my mother in the years she has left or tell her I love her. She is very easily manipulated by her husband so he can tell her anything. I just pray she doesn’t really believe the lies I think he may tell her about us- like we don’t care about her or want to see her. A few years ago, he moved her all around in an RV, making her sell all her nice things and brought all family photos to me- all her memories. He has a screw loose and has threatened me with a restraining order if I try to go see her, and she has told the APS that she doesn’t want to see me. I have no connection. He cut off both of their phones, emails so no communication at all for 2 years. The laws are antiquated and wrong to give this much power to truly evil people out for their own gain. I would love to see the laws changed regarding elder visitation. Anyone have advice or similar stories?
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she was frustrated, and asked for him to her brother. He was acting like he was talking, as a walkerby said thst phone booth was out of commission. She was shocked to hear that. She got herself out of that relationship.
You say you live a distance, and you have grandchildren you want to focus on. A situation like this, that seems to be co-dependent, can suck you into it like quicksand and leave you with nothing left, emotionally, to take care of yourself, your spouse, your kids and grandkids. We have seen this sort of scenario here in this forum over and over again.
You say you have contacted APS and they have told you she is fine - or at least so fine as to not trigger their intervention. If she doesn't want to be saved, if she doesn't believe she NEEDS to be saved, then you are only adding to your already great grief in this by hopelessly obsessing about this. I understand it's your mom and you love her - that much is evident - but if you have done all you can and she refuses any help, then I'm afraid there's nothing more you can do. I know it sucks, and I'm sorry for it. Hopefully she will have a change of heart and look to re-establish communication with you. But I'm afraid, insofar as the legal system is concerned, everyone's hands are tied, because as far as they are concerned, mom is able to make her own decisions, as bad as they may be.
I am so sorry you have to go through this.
Hoping for you to find a solution to this problem.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/is-anyone-here-from-texas-anyone-have-a-mom-with-dementia-whose-husband-has-cut-mom-off-from-the-fam-478948.htm
You only got 2 responses and then post got lost in the jumble. If APS is involved, I don't know what more we can say. If Mom says she does not want to see u. Not much anyone can do. I would ask them next time u send them out to evaluate her and ask him to leave tge room. Also, ask her questions when he is out of the room. But if he is taking good care of her and the home is presentable, then APS can do nothing.
30 years is a long time to be married. I don't know how easy it would be for you to get guardianship of mom, unless you have ironclad proof of abuse.
As galling as it might be, if you want to have contact with mom, you might have to play nice with him in order for him to allow you to see or talk to mom. You can petition the court for visits, but I don't know how costly that might be for you, and if you would have a decent enough chance of winning that would make the cost worth it. You would probably need to seek guidance from a lawyer in either case.
I hope you can get to see or talk to mom really soon.
https://www.texasattorneygeneral.gov/consumer-protection/seniors-and-elderly/senior-rights
Many states have similar laws. If you are in a different state, look up their laws. In some states, volunteer organizations help seniors with legal problems.
This one is in Florida: Seniors vs Crime, a non-profit organization of senior volunteers working to right civil wrongs for Florida seniors and to educate seniors about scam, consumer fraud, con games and other criminal acts. Seniors v Crime is a special project of the Florida Attorney General.
Contact Information: 1-800-203-3099
The following branch is in Ocala. There are others around the state: https://www.ocalapd.gov/resources/victim-services/senior-vs-crime
I would advise you to see an attorney specializing in Elder Law right away and give a call to her state's Ombudsman's office. They will be able to put you in the right direction about who can be of service to you.
You could always petition the court for emergency conservatorship/guardianship of your mother. If her freeloader husband is keeping her isolated from her family. People have been awarded these kinds of petitions for exactly this reason.
Try to have a serious talk with her husband. His reason for isolating her may be because he fears she will be put into care and there goes his source of financial support.
His behavior is common among lazy freeloaders who live off of their spouses or families. To make sure the status quo does not change.
If it could be possible to reassure him that he's "in charge" and you're not trying to get any money or anything, he may be open to you visiting.
File the petition for emergency conservatorship/guardianship anyway. You are her daughter and important too.
Your suggestions are good ones, and I wrote him a letter at the beginning-don’t know if he got it. He is NOT a reasonable person and he knows he is in complete control now, (crazy but not stupid, does his research) so has no reason to let me see my mom.
I have spoken to 4 different attorneys who all say I wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell to get guardianship when the spouse is in control and it would cost several thousands of dollars to even try. Texas law- what a sorry excuse for elder laws. These laws serve more to protect evildoers than the innocent. If anyone knows different, I would love to know about it.
The APS case worker that went to check on mom said how “good “ she looks- they won’t do anything unless it is repeated, obvious abuse/neglect or if the elder person says they want to talk to their family. She has already been conditioned to say she has “cut us off”.
Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment in wanting to see my mom again and should be more determined to leave it alone. I do ok but am not rich enough to let the lawyers eat up my savings just not to find justice in the end. It all comes back around to the fact that she can’t be without her abuser. Dementia doesn’t want change. I can only imagine how she must have mourned when he told her we didn’t want to see her anymore. She never wanted to be estranged from me and would call me all the time when allowed a phone. This is so messed up.
I'm sorry about how this is playing out and the pain it is causing you and your family, but please remember she had every opportunity to chose something different, and did not.
You don't know what the mother's story is or why she stuck around in her marriage.
There are many women who stay in abusive marriages because they are afraid of being on their own. They are afraid and apprehensive about going to a "shelter". Do you have any clue what these kinds of places are like?
Also factor in that many times a wife is financially dependent on their husband. So that reduces their options too. Or there are children involved. Or the person is so broken mentally by so many years of abuse that it has become normalized to them and is just regular life.
There are many reasons why people stay in such situations, so don't judge her for not running away to a shelter.
And yes, the husband is the only bad guy in this situation.
does he have any family? Siblings, kids, cousins? Msybe reach out to them.
Has he ever been convicted of any crimes?
It’s too bad you can’t go to court and demand visitation rights.
Prayers are with you… take. Care
Through it all, I can’t think of any period of time where mom and I did not talk at least once a day.
You are right about the care- he has no family- both parents dead now and he cut off his brother and all family/ friends of his and my mother’s. So he’s it. I disagreed with him on the way he was doing/ not doing things for mom. Two or more years ago mom called me because she thought her husband had had a stroke. She was scared. I tried to help and he became evasive and hostile and said they were moving again. I called the APS to go over, naively thinking they could make him rethink moving away from me. I told them about his past, they sent the police instead of a social worker, and now he hates me forever. He doesn’t trust anyone, never has. He never had kids or was married before my mom, so any understanding of the bond between my mom and me completely eludes him. There is something missing in him…this is kind of therapy to tell it all- but I think nothing can be done. We miss my beautiful, fun loving mom before she has died- I know people on this forum understand that with dementia. But there are good days and bad days as the brain goes, and I wish I could be around for any of her days- good or bad.