mother-in-law diagnosed with dementia in 2019 mild impairment. I am the daughter-in-law who was given medical power of attorney due to my background as a nurse.
Durable power of attorney is joint between my sister-in-law (her daughter) and my brother in law (not related to mother in law, this is my sister’s husband) Durable power of attorney says all decisions must be made together by the co-POA’s. The reason for having 2 co POA is that my brother is very active in Alzheimer association and we all felt would be good with the financial aspects and a very knowledgeable resource.
in 2021 my sister-in-law and I had a very big falling out concerning the way I was handling giving my mother-in-law medication and checking on her. At the time I was being compensated to take her to her doctors appointments, keep up with her medication, help with her bills, etc.
my sister-in-law and her brother (not my husband but their brother) spoke with my husband about wanting to terminate the contract with me because on occasion I would come over and drop off meds in afternoon instead of evening trying to give MIL some autonomy. Not contesting their decision but it caused a large rift between my sister-in-law, my husband, and the other brother and myself. After that happened, we stayed away. soon after; my sister-in-law decided to move in to my mother-in-law’s house to be able to help her with meds, etc. Nothing was ever mentioned about taking me off the medical power of attorney.
Fast forward…..after a lot of soul-searching and praying my husband and I decided that even though it was awkward, we would reach out to my mother-in-law and try to mend fences because she was the injured party in this situation. We did not feel comfortable going to see her in her home with my sister-in-law there, that is when we found out that my sister-in-law moved my mother-in-law into a nursing home because she said she could no longer work from home remotely and had to go back to the office and it wasn’t safe for her to be there. This decision did not include any input from my husband, and the other brother who is a very passive person who will avoid conflict at all cost. at the same time, my mother-in-law’s sister, who is three years younger, lost her husband and was having to sell her home and move into assisted living. My mother-in-law’s home is very dangerous. It has lots of stairs and steps, and is 2-story. My husband and I spoke with my brother-in-law who is the co POA and the other brother and inquired about the possibility of using home health to come into the home instead of moving her to a nursing home. We also inquired about selling mother-in-law’s home and putting money in her account and having mother-in-law and her sister live in the sisters home as it’s one story and not as treacherous. Every idea brought forth met with resistance from sister in law and other POA was passive. Mother has declined significantly is now in the moderately impaired cognition.
mil moved into facility April 19,2023 room had been paid for starting in March. MIL has long term care policy to cover (90 day waiting period). sister in law never completed paperwork. MIL cking acct is paying. 7 months x 4000 =28,000! 16,000 unnecessary expenditure due to negligience on her part. other POA finally took over and is filing. meanwhile sister in law is living in mother-in-law‘s home, not paying any rent. All of the utilities are still in my mother-in-law and father-in-law‘s name and they are auto drafted from either the Discover card or her checking account. Also, she has given the nursing home instructions that we can come see the mother-in-law, but we’re not allowed to take her out and this is against my mother-in-law‘s wishes. we served sister in law with a cease-and-desist letter. Our attorney says we have a case for abusive fiduciary duty. We ask for her removal as POA and vacate home. in jan she became MPOA. she offered 1/2 of FMV rent co POA said too little. any thoughts?
As for getting home health aides to take care of her in a private home, hers or sister's or whatever, that is very difficult to manage on a long-term basis. I know because I've done it and would never do it again. It is more complicated than you can imagine before you've tried it. It is expensive. The patient is confined to a home setting instead of in a place with activities, well-trained caregivers, friends, prepared meals, laundry service, and all the amenities that facility care provides. And if you think your family is fractured now, it would likely be ten times worse if you were all trying to butt in on MIL's home care issues. Been there, done that, and it wasn't fun.
Your MIL made a serious mistake in allowing too many people to have a say in her end-of-life plans. This is a good example for all of us - DON'T do it her way!
All of this conflict among family members - Dr. Phil would call you "right fighters." That means that everyone is fighting for their own point of view and getting emotional and furious when others don't agree. A right fighter refuses to back down and must have the last word in an argument. As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for you?"
It's done. Instead of escalating, why not back off and let everyone else deal with it? Especially your husband? Keep your mouth shut, mind your own business, and hang out with members of your family that you actually like.
she has also allowed a friend of her daughters to move into the home rent free in my mother in law’s bedroom.
My reason for concern is also the thousands of dollars she cost my mother in law by not filing the long term care paperwork to start the claim for the nursing home. My father in law worked long and hard to make sure that he was prepared for their aging, finances, and security. I want to be sure she does not run out of money to stay in a nicer facility.
To have TWO POAs serving at once (rather than a second appointed when the first cannot serve) is a mess in and of itself.
To add in yet another person as the MPOA is, to my mind, a definition of insanity.
I think you all need to attend an hour or two with an Elder Law Attorney and come to some conclusions if you can. This may end up in court mandated mediation otherwise. And could go all the way to the court saying they refuse to play Kind Solomon's role in any disputes, then whipping away POA altogether and taking guardianship with appointment of a court-appointed fiduciary. This would strip any and all of any say of EVERYONE in any of this.
At this point I cannot even tell who is who in this drama, or what is what. I am so sorry. I just couldn't keep up.
I hope others have better (at least less expensive) advice than an elder law attorney, as I already feel as tho I recommend them too much for peoples' pocketbooks, but I have no idea what to say about any of this, myself.
Let your husband deal with his mom and siblings. I get that you are/were a nurse and might have a better read on medical situations, but this is going to fall under the guise of "no good deed goes unpunished".
If I were in your position, I would keep my advice limited to medical issues only, only for my husband's ears, and only put out as a suggestion. This train is headed for derailment, and it is only going to get worse as your MIL deteriorates. AND it is going to start to SOUND like you/hubby are more interested in any inheritence rather than what's best for MIL. I am NOT suggesting that's the case, but that's what people are going to focus on in your descriptions - because that's generally the first thought when there are disputes about an elderly person's money and how it's being spent.
Let your husband deal with his family. That's my thought.
Good luck.
She meaning SIL? How is that possible when MIL was diagnosed with Dementia 4 yrs ago. MIL is incompetent to assign daughter. Only MIL can make that assignment.
I think that SIL was jealous because you were given Medical POA. And taking MIL to doctor visits and making sure she has her meds is not the responsibility of the Medical POA. Nice that you did those things but your responsibility really is to be aware of her wishes medically (written in the POA) and carry out those wishes when the time comes. And as a Nurse, you can balance the pros and cons for something not covered by the MPOA.
If your Lawyer says you have a case, then you have a case. You know though if you carry thru with this, your relationship with your husbands family will be no more. And, that if their POAs are revoked, no one else can be assigned POA that you will need to get guardianship. You may want to look into that first. It will override all POAs in place now. You will have full control. May cost u as much as going after SIL. As a guardian you probably can request all records of the SIL showing how she spent Moms money. Reporting her to APS for financial abuse of the elderly. Let them investigate and take her to court.
The decision to put MIL in a NH is the correct one. Whether or not anybody else should have been consulted first I can't say.
I was also in a troubling situation as one of 2 POAs, and I chose to leave matters as they were, because I was geographically accessible and genuinely interested in LO’s ongoing care and the other POA was a 3 1/2 hour flight away.
If there is CLEAR fiduciary abuse, demonstrable with tangible records, I would have gone for it in the form of guardianship, but as it was in our situation, it wasn’t worth my effort, stress, and anxiety, to prove it.
In retrospect I have been told that there are good lawyers locally who will refuse to take any case that involves more than 1 POA. I understand that decision only too well.