My mother lives alone in another state and she is a narc with signs of dementia and health problems, but she is able to get around enough to not be called dysfunctional at this point. She has a cousin who lives in another state and he has a married daughter. They both went down to visit my mother as a side trip to a conference the father was attending this past February. His daughter ended up fast friends with my mother, even sending her a mother's day card. In August, her cousin (the Dad) flew down to spend a week with my mother. I don't know him and only spoke to him once, after she was recently hospitalized for AFIB. Then, two weeks later, his daughter, husband and two kids go down there to visit my mother. They all know that my mother has been taken advantage of by a former financial advisor. I have concerns, because when I had spoken to the cousin, he never even indicated that he was or wanted to visit my mother. I happened to find out from the cousin's brother, who I speak to. I also found out that her cousin was trying to convince my mother to move to his state near him. My mother didn't agree. This is their second attempt at this. Although I may not have a good relationship with my mother, I do have concerns about what these people are attempting to do. I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but it sure does look bad when they are pressuring my mother into a move when she is 85 years old, has cancer and would have to sell a home. There's more to this whole story, but this is the best way I can sum it up. I think they know about me not having a good relationship with my mother. It's not about me being neglectful about putting her into assisted living or anything like that. She refuses to go into assisted living at this point. Even though my name is on estate papers, she plays such games that I don't even know if I am DPOA at this point, because when she made new papers recently, the DPOA was left out of copies that I got, but I didn't get a revocation letter either. Apparently, the attorney's assistant said my mother doesn't want me to see the DPOA, but I do have the health surrogate form. My Dad was responsible for what she has now and she never appreciated him or me. He wanted me to look after things because he knew she wouldn't. That being said, am I being overly suspicious of these people? I just know that her cousin and his daughter have taken money and whatever they could get from his brother who is on Social Security and doesn't even have a car.

I can relate on many levels. I'd like to support you here, but I think this post belongs in a narcissist section bc that is central to the problem. I'll look for your post there. In the meantime, I would encourage you to focus on collecting evidence. Don't give the flying monkeys any reason to move faster than they already are. Figure out your legal status so that you can see the docs. Hold your cards and let things play out. And be ready for when the situation turns worse and you are called in to act.
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Reply to Allusion

LittleFeather8: Hmmm - you seem to be upset with a cousin and his family who are trying to build the relationship that you unfortunately do not have with your mother. Could these individuals have not-so-great intentions? Who knows? Could they be Godsends to your mother? Who knows? Perhaps it's not too late to reach out to your mother.
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Reply to Llamalover47

Since you have suspicions, contact the local authorities about a suspected case of elder abuse/fraud. Let the authorities sort it out. You can also let "the cousins" know you you have asked the authorities to check in on her frequently. If they are planning to con her, this may dissuade them.
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Reply to Taarna

AlvaDeer, you are one in a million. You put it ALL out there in a palatable, reasonable manner. Your words forced accountability for all involved, put everyone in their place, tactfully, and ended the confusion.

You're a mystic and should write for a living!
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Reply to WastedEffort

Yes, an Elder Law Attorney (in Mom's locale, not yours) can get your questions answered and discuss the option of getting an unrelated public guardian to work with Mom without manipulations. Calling Adult Protective Services (in Mom's area) can result in getting Mom evaluated for possible placement and care.
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Reply to ConnieCaretaker

Yes. Speak to an attorney specializing in elder care.

Most people with dementia will refuse 'all change' - realize they are confused and fearful. Someone with legal authority needs to make decisions.
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Reply to TouchMatters

Please do yourself and your mother a favor and speak with an Elder Law Attorney. Your mother is very vulnerable legally, financially, cognitively and physically. You are very vulnerable legally, financially. Get legal direction for yourself and your mother. You can always call APS ( Adult Protective Custody) where she lives, explain the situation of concern if you want to refer her to their assessment in her home.
Speak with Elder Law Attorney.
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Reply to janicemeyer18

Report someone for helping the mother you don't wish to help? That is a new one for me.

You say she made out new papers. They are the papers that will be relevant for the future now. I don't think you will be able to use your old paper's POA, but your message is so vague that I don't even know what these "papers" are.

Here's the thing.
You are trying to have it both ways.
To be out of contact with your mother and uninvolved, but to think you have something to say about what she does, or who she leans on.
That won't work.

I have no doubt your reasons are EXCELLENT for not wanting a relationship with your mother. So I would suggest that you keep it that way, and allow others to HAVE a relationship and to provide her support if they wish to.
This home you are worrying about?
It will either be sold or not; you can't know.
She will either keep the funds or give them away; you can't know.
She will move or she will not; you can't know.
She will lose all her money or use to for her care; you can't know.
But you CAN know that if someone is good to her, they would likely be the recipient of any funds left over (and there are so seldom funds left over; and surely you wouldn't want the leftover funds of a mother you don't wish to see).

Get on with your life as you have been. Make a relationship with this distant family if you are able. For instance, you aren't in contact with your MOM, but there's no reason you cannot be in contact with your Niece should you both wish to, is there? And in that lucky instance you could somehow support one another in supporting Mom?

With you not there, not in contact, and having no say in Mom's life, it should not be surprising that other family has stepped in.
My advice is LET THEM.
And again, just go on with your own quality life.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
pearl1962 Sep 19, 2023
How perfectly stated!
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"...I don't even know if I am DPOA at this point, because when she made new papers recently, the DPOA was left out of copies that I got, but I didn't get a revocation letter either. Apparently, the attorney's assistant said my mother doesn't want me to see the DPOA, but I do have the health surrogate form. "

If you were the current DPoA the attorney would have to tell you and you'd get a copy of the paperwork saying such. A PoA document that doesn't have the agent's name on it is legally worthless (unless her home state has some very unique rules). So, you're probably no longer the DPoA. You can ask her cousin if he or his daughter is, under the premise that you just want to know that someone has responsibility to manage her affairs. They don't have to tell you and are not required to show you any documents to prove it.

You also say she is 85 years old and has cancer so maybe they are doing what is in her best interests, not what she wants, because it isn't safe or sustainable for her. This is often the case with elders at the beginnings of dementia: they get extremely unreasonable and stubborn in the face of facts that point to better solutions. They just resist for resistance's sake -- and out of fear.

You admit you don't have a good relationship with her. You didn't go help her (and you're not obligated to) but are criticizing and second-guessing the motives of people who are trying to help her. If she is no longer safe in her home, what is her PoA supposed to do?

"Can I report relatives attempting to take control of my mother who shows signs of dementia?"

You can but it is all based on a lot of suspicion and gossip and second-guessing. It won't help matters if they aren't actually provable facts. I don't think this is a case to report to APS. But if you do -- and there's no abuse or neglect happening -- then you will surely be iced out of any further access to her in the future by her and the PoA and her caregivers.

At this point if you believe -- and have evidence, not just a feeling or opinion -- that they are financially abusing her then take it to an attorney and work to get guardianship of your Mom. Then the hot mess becomes yours to manage, by yourself. Pick a lane and stay in it.
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Reply to Geaton777
LittleFeather8 Sep 13, 2023
Thank you for your opinion. There's more to this, and I probably should have posted it in the narcissist topic. By the way, I have helped her and continue to try to despite her behavior, which is not dementia based, it is narcissistic with traces of dementia which she won't get tested for. She has to be in control of everything and everybody and have her way when she wants it. She has even lied to me about her health at times to get attention and does the narc cycles of abuse if you are familiar with it, maybe you aren't.
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Their behavior does sound fishy, and you are quite possibly right that their motivation is money.

However you don’t have a good relationship with M, and you don’t want to make your own relationship with her much closer. That leaves room for them to creep into ‘bestie’ status. Wills can be changed as long as the testator is legally competent, and if she changes her will, proving that she is not competent is not as easy as you might think. Convincing a judge that ‘they are only in it for the money’, is hard when they can say the same about you (whether or not there is any truth in it).

The only thing I can think of to stop changes being made is to convince her to tie her assets up in a trust. Trusts were never my legal forte, and you would need a lawyer, as well as her agreement. "Can I report" - there is no-one to report to about this.

It’s very hard to watch this happening, and you have my sympathy. Margaret
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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