They don’t want me to have power of attorney and even though I have a letter from his doctor stating his diminished capability of making legal and financial decisions they refuse to accept the fact that I am making those decisions for him. Legally do I have to get their approval or can a decision be made in spite of it? I have tried to compromise but nothing I try to explain is accepted even after giving them hard evidence. I’m at my wits end and I am OK with them going off the deep end. According to his investment manager who has reviewed the document there are no limitations and backs me 100%. I just need to know what my legal obligations are if any relating to my siblings. Please help

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My response to my older brothers and SIL when I was on the receiving end of this sort of nonsense was 'I have been tasked with representing our parents interests and since they have always kept their finances private I will continue to do so. I am making decisions on their behalf based upon information that I have as their POA and Executrix, information that is necessary in order make appropriate decisions'

When my SIL attempted to compare how her brother handled her parents and later their estates (forwarding monthly statements on their investment portfolio from the accountant to siblings while her parents were still alive) I pointed out that each family may approach this differently but the law is on my side and since this pertains our parents any further conversations to be had will be had with my brothers and not their wives or children.
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Reply to BaileyP3
marymary2 Sep 5, 2019
I love your last line and wish you the best. With my brother, he let's his greedy and abusive to me wife get involved and doesn't interact with me at all....
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As his POA you are required to keep his financial affairs private, yes, even from your siblings. They have no say.
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Reply to Tothill

As everyone pointed out, as POA not only do you not have to tell your siblings actually have an obligation to keep those financial affairs to yourself. talking about anything having to do with his money or assets. If they bring up the topic...just say “I have a legal obligation to keep his financial business private”. Say nothing more about it and change the subject. Repeat this phrase as often as the topic comes up, If they continue after a few times of hearing this from you (and nothing else) you could then Walk away or hang up whenever the topic is brought up.
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Reply to Katiekate
justgettingby Sep 5, 2019
It's best to have every detail of everything you do meticulously in order. As POA you just set yourself up to be sued if you become secretive to siblings. Remember it's relatively easy for them to put efforts together to hire an attorney, and then you will be required to prove that you did things on the up and up. If you did, you have no worries...
It sucks when families aren't all on the same wavelength. Just remember that your father chose you and not any of them, so obviously he trusted your abilities and integrity.
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Reply to cwillie

First off, I'm an attorney with over 30 years experience in that area. Your obligation is to your father and decisions are made with his best interests in mind. The duty to provide information is a matter of local law, but I have never seen it said that there is a duty to keep matters private. I usually recommend a level of basic reporting similar to what others have suggested. You can be sued both during your father's lifetime and after his death for a breachvof fiduciary duty. That is worth avoiding even if the claims are bogus. Transactions that involve you or your family are different. In my state payments to you are presumed to be fraudulent and should be documented especially well. I find that family members react well to up front communication. You should consult a local attorney to help you understand your specific duties.
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Reply to billkratt
marymary2 Sep 5, 2019
From your line "families react well to upfront communication" I think you've never seen the dysfunctional many of us. It wouldn't matter what type of communication you use when there is animosity, hidden agendas and lifelong abuse patterns. You fall for what you see. There is often a different reality.
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So agreeing with others, Spotlover, though I completely understand where you're coming from, wanting to share information (and get moral support I'd wager). When I took over as POA for my mom, all us sisters shared information completely. We worked very well together (I live in a different state). I made a monthly statement of all Mom's business and mailed it to them so everyone knew it was all taken care of and proper.

Ensure you have an effective paperwork system so it's easy to store and find any piece of paper. (PM me if you'd like ideas. I'm happy to share.)

When I left my home and moved in with Mom as her caregiver, the dynamic changed. My sisters turned into Full Narcissists and took delight in arguing everything and criticizing everything I did. It was hell.

Then the accusations of theft started and their torment got even worse. After Mom's death, when Mom's lawyer got involved with "elder abuse" accusations the only thing that saved me was I had receipts for everything, and I documented actions or transfers that were out of the ordinary. I had a great filing system that helps project a "professional" work ethic (and saved a lot of time). Everything was documented to the hilt.

When Sister 2 questioned me with a list of questionable transfers (with answers demanded by Mom's attorney) I audio-taped our conversation. It's in my safe. The tape recorded all the questions and my answers and S2's on-speaker phone conversation to S1 to tell her everything was "on the up and up" and she was satisfied nothing was wrong.

My cautionary tale is that harassment could get worse. Certainly, you're doing your level best to handle all Father's business strictly correctly. Document like crazy. While Father's business is your primary focus, you must protect yourself.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this tough situation and it's being made tougher. Best wishes to you.
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Reply to MountainMoose

Your siblings have no legal right to know anything, and the less you tell them the better it will be for you. You have the durable POA, you make the decisions and maintain the accounting for your father. If they get upset, so be it.
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Reply to DollyMe

So many difficult situations. I don't have an answer. My situation turned out awful. I offered to move back home and take care of my Mom as my siblings were not in a position to do so. (I am eldest). I tried to keep them informed. My dad became increasingly suspicious of me. y sister never really trusted me, and neither she nor my brother would return calls when I wanted to inform or ask advice about situations and what to do. None of us at the time had POA. sometime during my tenure (before I gave up) my sister obtained POA over my dad, but did not inform me. I finally walked away because the whole situation was so volatile. Sadly, my Mom was caught in the middle: Dementia, and some medical problems that my dad was not equipped to deal with (I am an RN). My siblings refused to speak with me. A year later Mom died. about 16 months after that I was served with a lawsuit from my sister, claiming elder abuse. We went to court. fortunately the Judge saw it my way. I had excellent documentation for everything I did every time I went to my parents house and for everything I spent. The judge was very annoyed with my sister. And she found in my favor. (My sister is a lawyer, and at the time of the lawsuit a sitting judge in the state of California--it was the only legal case she lost in er lifetime as a lawyer). Sadly, I never spoke with my Dad again, and to this day I have no idea where my mother or father's ashes were scattered. I have not spoken to my sister since Mom died, and my brother for more than 3 years. Mom died in 2010. I tell this story so that you understand, that despite the best intentions, for some reason, siblings are at each other's throats. I have watched this for decades in my professional work as a hospice nurse, and working with those with chronic illnesses. So, regardless of whether you choose to keep them informed--keep meticulous records. You never know if you will need them. Some families do well and work well together, but with the contentions that you have, either be well prepared, or choose to walk away as I did. Both are very difficult. I am sorry that you are in this situation. ( My sister did manage to break my mother's will, and I received nothing, she was that vindictive.)
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Reply to JudinWA
AlvaDeer Sep 5, 2019
Your story is horrific. It was a frivolous lawsuit brought by someone who could do so free. I wish she had suffered consequences of it in money, but who could afford to pursue it. A terrible story. And your story is but one we see here, if I very bad one. I think the worst of it is this warring over the parents. I would walk away, as you did. It is not worth it. Just walk away, even if they spend up all their money, because the war isn't worth it and often you cannot see the parent who is smack in the middle. I am so sorry this happened to you, but what a lesson you can teach HERE.
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Your legal obligations are your duties as POA for your father. You don't have legal obligations to your siblings.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
missmacintx Sep 5, 2019
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Your father's doctor said it's necessary. His financial advisor said the same thing and thst everything is in order. No, you shouldn't have to include them on every decision. They may be concerned that you have access to monies that they don't. This can be remedied by providing a year end list of all expenses. This way everyone can see where the funds are being used for.
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Reply to DarleneLeslie

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