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My sister lives near my mom and the local nursing home. I live states away and can only get home a few times a year. My mom has no health issues other than the beginnings of dementia and fall risk. My sister placed her in the local nursing home for convenience of visiting while I feel she needs a memory care/assisted living facility 20 minutes further away. My sibling won’t consider the move and is the POA. It is causing real friction. My mom never wanted to be in this nursing home as she was very familiar with it. Had placed her own mother there years ago and saw abuse. My mom cries about leaving her home etc. advice????

If mom is a fall-risk, ALF may not take her cuz patients usually have to pass a test for walking skills, ect. (It's likely your sister did consult mom's Dr on this decision, & maybe you'd feel better after talking with that Dr.). Being that you live far away, your mom chose your sister as POA, cuz it does makes sense. The best you can do is spend time with ur mom (b4 she doesn't know who you are). &Try 2 preserve peace with sister.
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Rosiepie Aug 16, 2019
Thank you so much. It just helps to be validated
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I am sorry for your dilemma.

I think, personally, that dealing with siblings over the care of an aging mother is the hardest thing I've dealt with. There's 5 of us living, and nobody agrees on anything, and I have, for my own health reasons, had to step away from her care 100%, It was making my own health issues (cancer) much worse. Insomnia, anger, frustration and pain and the incredible issue of being totally ignored in my viewpoint or wish to help have driven me to tears umpteen times. I was told by my oncologist to walk away, don't call, don't visit, nothing. Send a card, if I want, but to act as if she has already died and move on with my own health care.

And how has that gone?

I told her 3 months ago I had a VERY TREATABLE cancer, caught early and would be doing chemo for 6, 8, or 12 rounds, every round being 3 weeks apart.

Her response?

'Oh, your dad will be so glad to see you.' (Daddy has been dead for 12 years).

THAT'S my takeaway from 12 years of CG for her. She didn't shed a tear, didn't act upset, just asked, as I left, which was IMMEDIATELY was 'could she share this with Donna? Who's little 22 yo dog was also dying of cancer". I said "Do whatever the heck makes you feel good mom". And I have not spoken to her since. (BTW, Donna live about 1/2 a block from me and already KNEW I was sick.)

I shared this with one brother who just said, "ah, well, she's old". And that was that. She's just turned 90.

About 3 years ago, I noticed a real slip in her cognitive skills. Since she lives with YYB, I informed him. . He ignored me. She had some falls, so I called an 'all hands' meeting and it turned into an ugly brawl. YYB (she lives with him) blew up and screamed and screamed at ME. 2 sisters, one older one younger, just sat there. YB, 'Dr. no shot', just sat there and let me be beaten into the ground.

After about 15 minutes of this--and all I was trying to do was get us all on the same page as per mom's growing need for care---I broke down and told everyone to leave, I'd never being it up again.

This has fractured our family. I am on speaking terms with YB and OS, but YS and YYB, not so much. Infact, I don't think I have spoken to YYB for over a year and that was totally in passing as he reminded me I was not allowed on 'his property'. Hardly a conversation.

After mother dies, I can see our family completely dissolving.

I KNOW why my YYB is so skittish and angry, but, hey he needs help. He's content to let mother live in filth and watch her slowly fall apart.

As for me? I will probably never see her alive again.

You are not, so sadly, alone in this dynamic.

All my sibs but YYB thought a cog eval was a good point, but YYB is the one who hauls her everywhere (by his OWN CHOICE, ENTIRELY!!!!!!!!!!!) and has stated he will not one thing that isn't not absolutely medically necessary and none of is are allowed in his home again---especially me.

So sad. We're not alone. This is VERY common, you can't get everyone to agree on anything.
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Rosiepie Aug 16, 2019
I’m so sorry. As the “baby” by a lot I’ve always been the peacekeeper so I won’t let this ruin our relationship since all the elder siblings are not taking my opinions seriously. I’m able to research etc but they don’t want to hear it. So sadly I have to leave my mom where she is and support everyone else. Makes me sad
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Good morning, Rosiepie,

I would look into your mother’s health a little more closely. What you describe (the beginning of dementia and a fall risk) does not seem to me to make her eligible for a nursing facility. Nursings homes require an evaluation from a doctor and their own assessment to determine if a person needs skilled nursing care. Your mother might have more health issues of which you are not aware.
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Rosiepie Aug 16, 2019
Thank you for the prompt reply. My mom has lived on her one since she was 56 when my dad passed away. She is now 100! The episode that got her to the nursing home was forgetfulness and not eating. I think after she reached her milestone (her mom had been 99 1/2) she wanted to die in her own home. She knew if we thought she couldn’t stay at home she would go to the nursing home closest to her. She wanted to go to a different facility that had mass everyday etc. When the doctor at the nursing home evaluated her she was dehydrated, confused and hadn’t eaten well in a few days. Once the nursing home got her back up and healthier she was able to carry on conversations like before and was very unhappy that she didn’t get to go home. My concern was that we weren’t fulfilling her wishes by taking her where she didn’t want to be. And she won’t get released from the nursing home side to the assisted living side because they are attached buildings with no nurses funded on the “other” side. She’s not allowed to go over there to talk and participate with the others that are in better shape than those she sees on the nursing side. Does that make sense?? We checked out home care and it was deemed too expensive. I have been to the home. I used to work there. But my siblings wouldn’t get another free evaluation or go see the other options. There in lies my frustration.
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Yes, your Mom will cry. Do you not think that the losses of age, the necessity of going into care is not worth crying about, mourning over, becoming depressed about? It is but ONE of the many losses of aging. Please allow her the humanity of grief when grief is the proper response.
Your sibling was chosen by your parent as the person best to handle her affairs whether by virtue of being the best at it in her opinion, or whether by virtue of living the closest. She is also by virtue of "being there" most familiar with what Mom needs.
Mom has a much better chance of having a meaningful life in some way without being in memory care, where most elders are very severely incapacitated mentally or physically.
Since you have no power you have not a lot of chance of input. Argument will make this VERY STRESSFUL time much worse.
It's my opinion that there is no choice but to "give this a try" and it will be so much more pleasant if he can be done with good and loving support and attitude.
Visit as frequently as you can, try to sit with your other sibling and have honest discussions. There is your truth, my truth and the truth, and in all honesty THE truth is often a muddy mess as well. Things just are not completely cut and dry with a right way and a wrong way. Try to stay adaptable. It will be what's required.
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When's your next visit? - because I think your best bet is probably to go and look at the local nursing home and see it for yourself. If you're still not happy, then perhaps you could ask your sister to return the compliment by at least agreeing to visit the memory care unit.

Bear in mind that:

- you're not the one who'll get an extra 40 minutes taken out of your day;
- you're not the one trying to keep a really close eye on things;
- your mother will be unhappy about having been uprooted *anyway*, and the memory care unit won't necessarily make her less so.

So find out first, I should.
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Rosiepie Aug 16, 2019
Understood but my sibling who is in charge is also burned out. It’s very obvious. My mom wasn’t wearing her hearing aid because it “wasn’t working”. I asked why and my mom told me how to fix it and my sibling dismissed her and said it doesn’t need that. I did what my mom asked and guess what, it worked. Also, I asked if she could have her memory jar to go through and my sibling said she didn’t have room for it and wouldn’t do it. I took it anyway and on my last two visits I read them to her and she remembered and chatted about all kinds of things. I just feel dismissed so I’m venting. But thanks for the reply. It’s not easy being the farthest away and watching this process.
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