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My 94 year old mother with LBD has been living with my husband and myself going on 2 years. It is a constant battle with her. She will say some really low blow things to me and I am knowledgeable enough to know it’s the disease but it’s hard to just turn the other cheek. I now am handling by just shutting down and detaching from her. I think it is my way of not continuing to be hurt by her words. But I also have no empathy any longer. She is taken care of and has whats she needs. I feel guilty I no longer care emotionally.
Has anyone else reached this point?

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, personally. Why SHOULDN'T you shut down, emotionally, when she says rotten things to you? What are you supposed to be doing that you aren't? Thanking her for hitting you below the belt? Asking her to please give you more pain & suffering? See how ridiculous that sounds? Well, realize that you have no other choice but to detach from her at this point in order to maintain your own sanity! There's nothing to feel guilt over, either, as this is your only survival technique for an insufferable situation.

Allow yourself to feel this way and don't add to the stress and sadness you're already suffering. If that's not possible, it's time to place your mother in a SNF so you're not exposed to the situation on a daily basis.

I honestly do not know how so many of you gals do it. I could NEVER do it, EVER, under any circumstances. I spend an hour with my mother and I'm spent.

Sending you a big hug and permission to feel however you need to feel to get through this, okay?
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Reply to lealonnie1
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My Mom was easy. But I didn't like caregiving. I didn't like being the person she relied on. I don't do needy well. I tend to shut down. Probably because out of 4 children and the oldest girl, it was always me. She expected more from me. And it showed when my brothers did nothing. No calls no visiting. Maybe 1x a year. Because she never expected it from them. Never made them feel guilty.

I made sure Mom had everything she needed. She loved soups of all kinds. Would call around town to the restaurants to see what soups they had that day. Then go get them for her lunch. But I had a real hard time interacting with her. She could not hold a conversation. She used the wrong words so it took me a while to figure out what she was trying to tell me. Sometimes she would just ramble. If I answered, she'd look at me weird because that thought was already out of her head and she was on another one. It was hard watching that strong woman become frail. Sometimes when u looked in her eyes she wasn't there. I couldn't hug her because she was never a hugger. So I tend not to be. I really can't describe my actions but detached is a good word. I detached emotionally because if not, I would have cried all the time. I had to do something I was not prepared for and to do it I detached?

It may be time to place your Mom. LBD is the worst of the Dementia's, I think. They tend to become violent and uncontrollable.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Flatlining mentally is what burn out is all about, the well has run dry.
I cared for my mother for several years before I hit the wall hard, I'd get up each day preparing myself to do better but I found myself losing my temper earlier every day - I'd lost the person who was my beloved mother and had her replaced by this stranger with ever increasing needs. I came to realize that it wasn't fair to her to be under the control of an angry harpy and it wasn't fair to me to have my formerly good relationship with her overwritten. I sent her to a NH for a respite stay while I decided what to do, when I started to panic at the thought that she might be coming home soon I knew I had to make the change permanent.
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Reply to cwillie
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I’ve been there too. I can feel myself shutting down and for me it is kind of like seeing someone else doing all the tasks and being the one getting yelled at. I acknowledged to myself that this maybe isn’t super healthy and got myself into therapy. It’s helpful just to have someone to talk to.
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Reply to casaqueso1
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 7, 2020
It does help to talk to someone. We learn a lot about ourselves in therapy.
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I get what you are saying. Look, we reach a point that we do whatever is needed in order to survive. You have invested a ton of effort. So, you’re spent!

You know, you may be grieving for the mom you no longer have. These diseases rob our mothers of themselves and in turn their offspring are robbed as well. Why wouldn’t that upset you?

It’s completely normal to be upset and even angry about all of this. You are justified for feeling as you do.
Honor your feelings. Seek help if needed by venting here or speaking to a therapist.

Move forward as best as you can. You have found a way to move forward. You feel like you cannot emotionally invest any further. I understand that. Her best years are behind her. Your best relationship with her is behind you. I’m so very sorry.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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