I feel like a terrible daughter and person. I’m having a problem feeling warmth and affection towards my mother. Have any of you felt this?

Lordy no-- You need some help ; bad ! Can't you get any home care or a place for her ; even in the day time ! ? My Mom is turning 95 and she isn't like your Mom but not having a car makes it rough. And we do have van service but she cant really get on anymore ; so I am the runner for both of us. I thought I had it bad ; cooking and cleaning ETC -- and we have separate apts. At least I have some peace . I love my Mom and I have very bad anxiety and I am also Bi-Polar so that makes it hard for me to hold my temper if it gets over-whelming. I don't want to her go to a home but in your case I would think about it for your own health as well ! Talk to a professional / her Doctor ! God Love Ya -- get Help !

Tiger: Anything is tolerable "for a season."🌛🌜

So trueTiger55

I forget who said something like: "anything is tolerable for a certain time", implying that our woes come from the uncertainty: (how much time this caregiving will continue for). We grow weary when we see no end in sight. It's a normal reaction to be discouraged when we feel powerless to help them, & sad for our own loss of joy.

Golly ! You are anything BUT cold-hearted! Six years of around the clock caregiving for one who may or may not know who you are any more, says to me that you are very warm hearted and devoted. It is like living with a four year old in many ways, sadly, as mom declines.
Sure the warm fuzzy feelings towards her may be no longer there, but she has a roof - a bed - food, etc. that YOU provide for her. You worry your head off over her welfare night and day in that in many ways you are the 'mom' and she the child.
Love is a choice, not always a feeling. You are VERY loving in choosing to watch and care for her for six months at a time- doing what is right, as it were. Frustrating? Indeed. Resentful? Indeed - probably on both sides. Exhausting? Indeed. Numb? Indeed.
That does NOT mean that you do not care... it simply means that you are burnt out and are in need of of refreshing. That is not selfishness! Hardly...

Honoring our parents isn't giving them whatever they demand or expect. Honoring them means doing what is right for them -even if that it is safer care at a rest home, for example. Providing somewhere safe, food, clothing and medicine is honoring to mom. It might not be at you or your sister's homes. Providing that might mean at a place better equipped for mom's needs. Everyone has limits - and that is not something to be ashamed over. An aging woman with your mom's needs is VERY challenging, much less to take on yourself as the primary caregiver at your age. (No offense intended.) She would be angry at anyone who cares for her - her dementia warps and clouds everything. It is not personal, so to speak. ( I am a nurse with long term care experience... it is challenging for anyone! ) You are indeed NOT neglectful. You are a very good daughter - when many others in your shoes would have thrown in the towel long ago and never cared for her at all.

Is there any way to get some kind of respite care for her, and more importantly for yourself? (Even for a few hours a week for someone to watch her while you get out, or just have some time to recharge your batteries?)
Can you ask her doctor for help or ideas for her care and welfare/ safety recommendations (and for yours) ? It is worth a call.
How about area aging counsels? They might have options that you do not know exist to help mom and/or you.
Is there a way for her to qualify for going to a place of care full time - so you and your sister don't have to carry the whole burden of her care? She must be qualified for medicaid, I would think.

What a test and challenge you are going through. My heart goes out to you.

We are human. We feel pain at a huge job of giving to someone who needs so much. We get exhausted. We feel loss from seeing a parent who acts so differently than we knew growing up. Do not beat yourself up over feelings. They are our "release" for the stress. Know what you do is selfless and generous.

You know what makes this even sadder? We look at our parent and it is not the same parent we knew...it is a stranger with weird, mean or inappropriate behavior, completely engrossed in themselves. The longer we care for them while they are like this, the more faded are our treasured memories of the good times we had together. I do not want to remember my mother, after she passes, as she is now. The day-to-day heartache is carving nightmarish memories, which I am afraid will completely overshadow any positive memories.

You are absolutely NOT a cold-hearted person. You just described how my sister felt about my mom before she passed, and EXACTLY how I feel now with my dad living with me and my husband (constantly for the last 5 years). For me, I feel robbed of a normal life. We are looking at nursing home options, one day I'm so happy about getting dad out of my house, and the next day I feel terrible about it. I can't explain why we feel the way we do but I do know that you are NOT alone.

No love you are speaking my truth also. I stay angry, frustrated and ashamed of myself most of the time.

No, you are not alone in this. I love my mother deeply, but feelings of affection are not there these days. I don't think it is an issue of being cold hearted. It is rather an issue of being asked to give, give, give and then keep giving when our mothers are at a point in life when they only take, take, take and then keep taking.

When you are a CG, (CARE GIVER'S) and you are giving everything, emotion, time, love, cooking,cleaning, Dr. Appointments, sitting in E.R for 9 hours sometimes, where your LIFE is not yours...where all these other family members are AWOL! But they ALL have excuses not to be there, or their lives are so busy. Where you fight constantly for your loved one to get the right procedures, and general care in a hospital...when your loved one does not like the hospital food, or the skilled nursing facility's food. Where you fight for your loved one's right to try to keep some semblance of independence. when you are so tired sometimes, from making sure blood pressure has come down before you can sleep, When you truly made this decision from love, respect, and duty, because you know no one will care and love your family member like you. When you HONOR, your loved one so much, that there was no other decision, but for you to ride out this journey with all YOUR HEART & SOUL. I say to the people here and everywhere that make this commitment...I SALUTE YOU, YOU ARE THE REAL HEROES OF THIS WORLD! This is a Job that does not pay money, this is a job that YOU GIVE LOVE & HUGS REGULARLY, and you may not physically give them, but you give them every time you are physically present, for what you give is LOVE. Self preservation is the 1st law of man...Your battery is low a lot, you neglect your self a lot...you have no LIFE where YOU can plan a trip, a stay cation even. You are the Angels of the world...You get the blunt of your non participatory family members OPINION'S...So, the next time you are dog tired, legs feel like they are giving out, you want to just scream, run away and just disappear. Take each day in MOMENTS, SECONDS, GRAB SOME FOR YOURSELF...LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SMILE, FOR THE WORK THAT YOU DO, THERE IS NO OTHER WORK MORE HONORABLE THEN TAKING CARE OF A LOVED ONE! PEACE & LOVE, TO ALL YOU SOLDIERS...CG (CARE GIVERS) ROCK!

My Mom was 78 when she died in January 2011. She was diagnosed with Dementia but she died from a stroke. To this day I thank God that she never came home from the Hospital after her stroke she had at home. She was already so unhappy momentarily because she knew something wasn't right with her. It was hard on my Dad. There were so many things so wrong with watching her go through the changes with Dementia. I hate to even remember the many bad moments this disease can do...

But, I can say - I can understand.

I can only really say that I will forever miss the hugs, smiles, and the happy on both Mom and Dads face when I entered into their home. But this was before the disease... the disease sort of took our happy life away.

But I will say if I could do it all over again with my Mom... I would be so patient, kind, and loving. Have you ever seen someone in the grocery store because it is apparent they are there because it is shopping day for Mom and Dad??? I miss those times. It was every single week for a long time even before the final diagnosis. I miss the doctors visits too. I'd go with Mom and Dad for my Dad's appointments because Mom was starting to show problems. We couldn't have even imagined she had Dementia... but she did - we just hadn't gotten there yet.

All I could say is to try really hard to understand. Patience and Love.

I do feel badly for you, I do... but your Mom, she cannot help this.

Hugs to you

I think this is the most difficult place to be as an adult child trying so hard to help an aging parent. So many emotions, every one of them honestly justified. The guilt, the anger, frustration, worry, and preparation for a loss that will be crushing. Losing parents can be the loneliest feeling. I dread it. Regardless of personal conflicts through the years. My Mothers hoarding has become unbearable. Years in the making. At 80, a home filled with danger. Again, being the only child- I worked long hours sorting trash, just so family would come to her home for Christmas. Stepping over chain saws, ladders, you name it, she has announced it is HER house, nobody will control her or tell her how to live! She has now disowned her only daughter, she has lost ALL her friends, and there is nothing I can do. I feel everyone's pain. Very hateful and bitter, no logic or thought to her well being exists. I can't handle the punches anymore.

I feel like this, too.  I don't feel what I should feel for my mother because she is such a mean person.  She snaps at me constantly.  I can do nothing to make her happy.  She is literally the most unappreciative person that I know.  It's death by a thousand little cuts for me.

No, my mother and I were never close actually had a very rocky relationship in my teens. I don’t feel warmth or any family feelings just responsibility. I feel guilty about it most of the time, angry, and I hate my home. I try not to show it and I try to make her happy.

Your feelings certainly resonate with me. My husband and I have been caring for his mother 24/7 for the past 5 years. I also have temporarily lost all warm feelings toward his mother. I feel as though I am serving a prison sentence that will not end until her death.

Know that you are not alone. Many of us who have been trapped in this never ending saga of caregiving for someone with dementia feel the same.

Remember that she is not in control of her life or her self. You do not need to feel a certain way. Numbness is the brain's way of protecting itself from harm. Her age and age related behavior is really annoying and destructive. But no one at all is at fault. Let go, let go, let go. Ignore her as much as you are able. Music, earplugs, anything to shut her out. Just try to make it one day at a time. This too will pass, i promise:)
Hugs not drugs!!!!!

Dear Annie,
i've been my husband's caregiver for over 1 1/2 years. I don't think that you are a terrible person or that you have a cold heart. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but let you know that I've got the same feelings towards my husband. I'm sending you healing energy. Peace, dawn1947.❤️

When i took care of my grandma i felt really numb too. I couldnt match her with who she used to be.
You're giving her space, and it seems like she's confessing all that weighs on her heart, and the best thing to do is listen.
If she asks you questions about you and her(or even about herself) answet honestly.
I understand your guilt but being present is all she really needs from you right now and youre doing your best.

I can so relate. I look after my 81 year old mother with dementia who cannot remember how to sign her name. I also look after my 44 year old brother who has always been mentally disabled. My mother can be so trying and cruel at times. We did not have a good mother/daughter relationship but I have to remind myself to put all that aside and care for her while she is still here. It is hard and I suffer from depression. I have reached out to respite coalition and the neurologist has sent me information on programs. But I completely understand what you are going through.

Enshope: I don't know, but I do believe that they are angry that they've aged. We cannot take it personally, but oh, that is so hard! God bless you!💜💜💜

I get it. I feel for you, it seems normal to me. Dad and I used to work together, hunt, do projects ect. When I would visit I would take him out to breakfast lunch what ever. When he moved in things changed. I have become sullen, grumpy and angry. for 2 years I had 3 generations in my house including a 24/7 drunk son in law. Now hes gone and daughter has a new guy she moved in with 1000% difference! I'm still grumpy. No privacy with my wife. He has taken over 1/4 of my house. I cant entertain much...... I have become cold toward him and not even talking much because it turns into all about him when I try to talk so I shut down (my mothers trait).

I wish the hate-fueled dialogue that my late mother hurled my way would be erased from my memory, e.g. "You're Hitler." "Go Home." "I don't want you here." Wow. Really? Who was this person who used to be kind to me? Answer= "I must ignore all of it because she didn't mean it; it's just a part of not wanting to age because, after all, who wants to age?" So I get you. I really do. You are not alone, my dear lady. God bless you!

OMG I sssooo needed to read this right now!
I have been caring for my father 24/7 who is progressing in dementia. For days now I have mourned the loss of my empathy. Of my caring. Of my joy. I battle every day with just plain not liking who I have become. I totally understand I am now dealing with dementia, not my dad. But where’s the “me” I used to know? Where’s the “me” that used to be? And will she ever come back? Pitiful that so many of us are experiencing the same destruction. But thank God we have each other to lean on.
I hate this disease. It crushes the soul. Call it holiday sentimentality, but, “God bless us, every one.”

I have the same problem with my Mom. She has dementia and is rapidly deteriorating. She was a force when she was younger, always on the move, always engaged. She is with my Father in AL facility. Dad is in hospice and doesn't have much time left. My Mom has trouble understanding what is wrong with him. She does has a habit of insisting on talking about politics, and if you don't she guilt trips you saying it's not politics it's our government, how can you blah blah blah. She has half a dozen of these tucked away, and she doesn't like a companionable silence. She hammers at me the whole visit. I start getting knotted up when I leave the house. I angry, and concerned since she has had some anger issues some directed to my Dad. My main concern is my Father right now, since he will not be here long. Mom dominated the conversation and I have to remove her from the room so my Uncle can spend time with my Dad. I get very little time with him because I am running interference and I resent it. I also don't have the patience to deal with with continuous barge of questions I really don't want to answer five or six times. I think when my dad is gone I will be more patient. So, you are not alone. I pray every night for guidance on patience and understanding.

You are not alone. I won't even care for my mother in my home. She would control everything and we would have to do everything to accommodate her wishes. Like never make noise, or walk around too rapidly...never open the blinds to let in light, never open the windows to let in fresh air...you get the idea. We are trying to hire and keep live in caregivers at her apartment. My relationship has always been difficult with my mom. I can't even say I love her since it is not true. And God would know it was a lie so I care for her basically because God has commanded us to honor our parents. I know how it feels to try very hard and not please her...in fact, to actually make her angry in my attempts to do what she has asked of me. Don't feel guilty. Just do your best to help her and God will see your efforts.

No, you are not! The fact that you recognize it means you are far from coldhearted. This is a difficult time in our lives, and our feelings are what they are. I totally get the "numb" feeling. It is as though we are on autopilot with no control at all. I love my mother and want her to be well cared for, but I do feel resentment for the time and effort I put forth that is never enough. I just keep telling myself she is fearful and bewildered by the changes in her life, and try to show affection where I can. Hang in there. Hugs!

My 84 year old mother in-law flies to Germany every year alone to see her daughter and grandchildren and great grandchildren. She goes alone. This involves 2 different flights and a 1 hour train ride. My daughters boyfriend ‘s 87 year old grandmother just got back from Cambodia, she and and another elderly friend went together. My mom . Almost 81, needs in home care to get a bath and change clothes. I give her her meds. I bring her her meals and coffee. She won’t sleep in her bedroom anymore. She leaves her Fox News on all night. She obsesses where I am, she writes down where I go and what time. So. Ya I get it. How someone can be so totally overwhelmed. It’s like having a vampire suck the life out of you. Because it’s all so sad. And really no one helps. Of course the paid aides help. But family. No. I have often wondered how I have allowed myself to get so robotical. Is there something seriously wrong with me? Am i heartless? Who doesn’t wonder why am I like this? My mom is close to needing memory care in a beautiful facility. I think when this occurs, a huge burden will be off of my shoulders, heart, and brain. She was so vibrant. And she is so frail. She needs help walking to up stairs to get a bath. This is I guess the beginning of her ending. But it can take years and it’s only going to get worse. So maybe , possibly, the reason I’m getting somewhat immune to to “feelings”,is a self protective innate human instinct for self preservation.

My situation isn't the same as yours, but I can relate. I know it's the disease, dementia, but I am worn to a frazzle with her constantly defying the things I tell her she needs to do to stay safe. I can't even be in the same room as her sometimes, she is almost completely unsociable most of the time, and she can not accept that I know better than she does what she needs to do. She's not a hugger anyway, and when she tries to cry about her situation, she can't even pop a tear. Sadly, I have no advice for you - I just posted my own question about what to do next with my mom. But know this, you are not alone, and you aren't a bad person. I think we both have a severe case of caregiver burnout.

Let me start by saying that my mom passed in August after an almost 12 year battle with mobility issues, and kidney dialysis for the last 10 years.  She did not live with me but only 2 miles away as I was the "daughter" and therefore it was my responsibility to have to take care of her.  I have a family and work full time, my brother after all was the "man" and had too many responsibilities according to my mother.  Most of the time I just felt like a secretary, the closeness I had felt with my mother as a young child and adult were gone.  I walked on eggshells daily, never knowing what each day would bring.  So many hospitalizations, falls, crises, etc.  For a long time, I felt guilty about not wanting her to live in my home, but always knew it would not work for me and my family.  I have my share of health issues too but although she was concerned about me, it didn't really matter as to what she expected of me.  She had a caregiver for 6 days a week for daytime hours only.  She would not pay additional money for round the clock care.  Ultimately it was her decision, she was physically disabled but mentally was totally fine.  It took me a long time to get over the guilt that she tried to put on me and my husband.  I miss her dearly and wish things had been different.  My only advice to anyone is to do what is best for you.