I don't love her. Any advice?

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She is my mom. She let our stepfather abuse us our whole childhood. I have POA, she lives in the same town. I begged her to move to my town since my sis passed and there was no one else to take care of her in her old age. About 3 years ago I literally woke up and had a flash back that really opened my eyes about the abuse and her part in it. I don't want to take care of her. She still lives alone. She has early Alzheimer's or dementia, its pretty common in her family and she is 78.

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Don't try to be her direct care giver for any length of time. It's so hard to care 24/7 for a dementia patient when you love them dearly. I suspect there is some love for your mother left (or you wouldn't be so concerned about her) but it's buried deep under the hurt, pain and anger over her allowing/supporting your childhood abuse. The anger in particular would make it very hard for you to cope with a lot of dementia behaviors. Your mother wouldn't be able to stop or control the dementia behaviors and you probably wouldn't be able to avoid an anger fueled response, then you've feel guilty - not a good situation for either of you.

From your expressed concern, you can probably be an advocate for your mother. Help with paperwork getting her Medicaid qualified. Help find in-home care, meals on wheels, etc. until she is placed in MC. Help find a MC. If APS has contacted you already, they may be willing to help get you named her guardian so you could place her in MC near you.

You can walk away from your mother entirely and let APS handle her declining mental function, and given your hurt and anger, maybe you should. Since you apparently still have some loving feelings for your mother, there would most likely be a bit of guilt to handle taking this route.

No one else has experienced your pain or knows your personal strength at this point in your life so no one else can really advise what you should do. Look at your options and decide which one you think would be the less overall painful then start down that road. Keep in mind you can always change direction if the path becomes too difficult to handle.
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You did beg her to move closer to you so I do feel like there is a little bit of obligation, but I don't think you have any reason to be her hands on caregiver or even to continue to have a personal relationship with her. I also think that you would benefit from some therapy to work through these feelings that you seem to suppressed until recently..
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Judyskid Jul 29, 2018
I did beg her. I had planned on taking care of her in her old age. She did come willingly however. I do need help.
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Humans are crud ., And that's me being gentle. I'm so sorry you're childhood was awful.

Renounce that POA, call her counties Dept of aging. Tell them there's a senior there with mental issues who needs help and has none. You can do it anonymously if you want. Or you can say ,I want NOTHING to do with her......PERIOD!

This is YOUR life now and YOU CHOOSE WHO YOU LET NEAR YOU, EVER AGAIN!
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Judyskid Jul 29, 2018
I was so afraid to post in here. I thought everyone was going to hate me. Thank you. I had avoided her for several months then APS called me. She was being weird around her neighborhood. They know who I am already. Now I feel stuck. Anxiety abounds.
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When the time comes, depending on her income, find a nice Assisted Living or NH. If she is low income, you maybe able to get her into a NH under Medicaid. Feeling the way you do I wouldn't take care of her. Its hard enough when u love the person let alone do it for someone u don't love or trust.
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Judyskid Aug 1, 2018
I dont want to help her.
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