In 2012 I moved into mom's house temporarily. Mom is now 92 and I am 66 and working full time. Mom can still take care of her ADL's and is in good condition with her check ups. Her mobility is unsteady but she gets by with cane/ walker. I of course shop, cook, serve, dog walk, appointment/ transport, occasional mid night hospital visits and basically am always at her beckoned call. I have a sibling an hour away who comes irregularly about 4 hours a week. I have a grandchild due this summer and with current public health issues, I would love to move out (of state) to care for the baby in order to avoid a germ infested daycare. I would of course set up a cna to visit but mom is against anyone but me coming to assist. Also not sure if it is a good idea for mom to solo during the night even though she has a life alert. Other family members and friends are the only ones who see that I make both of their life styles possible. How would I live with guilt the rest of my life? I sure don't want to be selfish.

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Thank you JoAnn, and well spotted.

L4p. When did you last spend more than 48 hours away from your mother? Bear with me, there is a point to the question.
Helpful Answer (1)

You asked this question 5 years ago. Why didn't u move then?

You mentioned then that Mom had a home health aide. What happened there?

I am not trying to be rude but you should have moved out 5 years ago. You said then that moving in in 2012 was just a temporary thing, now she is 92 and even more reliant on you, ur still can I leave? Now u have a very good reason to leave, a new grandchild. I would want to be with that child too. But now we need to get past the guilt that looks like you have been fighting at least the last 5 yrs.

If Mom has the money, maybe a nice AL closer to the sibling an hour away. All the sibling would have to do is make sure things like toiletries and toilet paper were kept up. ALs don't supply these. This would leave you to move closer to the grandchild. Just tell Mom what you said here. Don't ask you are an adult and don't need her permission. Tell her you feel you need to be closer to your grand to help with her/his care. But before you do this, you need too make sure she is safe. So what can we do to insure that. Maybe other sibling will be there more if Mom is alone.
Helpful Answer (2)

Being selfish is not the same as understanding you have human limitations, and are making the best decisions you are able. Will they be painful? Yes. Is it hard not to be a Saint? Yes. But then consider Saints. We shoot them full of arrows, then spend eternity praying to them to "fix everything". Everything cannot be fixed. Make the best decisions you can, and spend as little time as possible grieving the fact that you are only one human being.
Helpful Answer (3)

You only get this one life. It's not selfish to live it.

Barb on this site calls this situation the charade of independence. Elders resist giving up their independence (who can blame them?) and lean heavily on others to pretend nothing is changing.

It's time for a decision. Live your life or live your mom's charade.
Helpful Answer (4)

Um. So when you say you are being guilted/shamed, and I thought "oh-oh, who's putting pressure on this lady?" - the answer to my question is, mainly, you are? Is that about it?

Your mother is against having anyone to help her but you. Okay. So given that you are not an option, what then? She'd rather have nobody?

She has a life alert. She is independent with her ADLs. Her health is good overall. Occasional midnight hospital visits... how occasional? If very occasional, would sibling be able to direct first response and attend the hospital?

What's involved in the beckoning and calling?

Whose dog?

How accessible to ancillary/domiciliary services is your mother's home?

The thing is - on the face of it, there's no compelling reason for you to be there. That your mother likes you being there is not compelling!

Given that you consider *8 years* (!) to be temporary... are you thinking in terms of a permanent move, a temporary move - up to 8 years then :) - or a flying visit of only three to five years to get your grandbaby past pre-school?
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