I am the second youngest of five siblings, two of whom live in my area, as does my mother. My parents are divorced, and I was the POA for both of them. Over the past ten years, my mother (now 80) has had two hip replacements, two knee replacements, eye surgery, and various other procedures for which I have been present and have then had her stay at my house for recovery. After the last two surgeries, about two months of her staying, I started getting snippy and she left angry and hurt, and I was angry and hurt. She is pretty easygoing, but I need my space with my husband.

Almost three years ago, my father (my parents are divorced) was taken to the hospital with kidney issues. Again, I was there and learned he had dementia. I had to place him in a home and was the sole caregiver/visitor for him for two years (I hired a CNA to spend time with him since my siblings didn't do ANYTHING). After many stressful times dealing with his issues, I resigned as POA for my mother. I knew I didn't want to go through this again, it was horrible, but I will spare the details. My brother is now POA for her.

The day my father died, I called my mother and was just telling her about the day, and I expressed how I was looking forward to doing my activities again and having more of my life back, and she said I don't know how long it will last. And I said what does that mean? And she said I'm having trouble, I can't do my own laundry, shopping, etc. and I screamed at her I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!!! The same day my dad died. I feel bad about that, but I was very stressed for the past two years.

I resent both my parents laying the POA on me and expecting everything of me and only me. I feel spent. I still work full-time, and I try to help, offer to clean her apartment, etc. My mother is living in her own apartment but looking for assisted living. I have helped her look at places and advised where I think the best place would be, but I still feel guilty that I am not inviting her to move into our house. Yet I remember how much stress that was and the pressure it put on my marriage. P.S. her grandmother lived to 106 and her mom lived to 95, so it could be a LOT of years.

I don't know why I am putting this in words, and not sure if I explained it correctly, maybe therapeutic, maybe looking for someone to help me not feel guilty for wanting my own life. One sister who lives here doesn't talk to my mother and the POA doesn't talk to me, so it's very dysfunctional.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
It is time to call together a family conference and to say that your incarceration sentence has been served and you are going now to move on with your one and only life. Meet several times to discuss options. Ask who will now take over the POA and arrange a lawyer consult with the family. Arrange for placement together to tell them that you will begin on this after a one month period. I am kind of tired of the whole "guilt" thing. For starters, we are not saints. We are human beings. No one will praise you for giving up your one life. I am afraid this is an issue of over-all self worth. As humans we are flawed and imperfect. Time to own that. You have done all that anyone could expect of you and others will use your low self esteem to manipulate and threaten you as soon as you mention you are resigning, so be ready for it. You think you feel guilty NOW? Wait until they get finished with you. Time to own the guilt. It is a part of living. We all feel guilty for failing our kids. We all feel guilty for failing our parents. We all feel guilty for our imperfections. It's called being normal. Because know this. Psychopaths do not feel guilt. Narcissists don't either. Only healthy decent people feel it. So enjoy, but now do live a life. It is the only chance you have to do so.
Helpful Answer (3)

You have every right to living your own life without being at the beck and call of your mother. And you certainly do not have to have her live in your home.

My mother is not allowed to step foot in my home. I will go to her home when it suits me, but after I discovered she was listening to the messages on my answering machine and going through my mail to report what she learned to my soon to be ex while we were going through a acrimonious divorce, I changed the locks and she will never have a key.

Our home is supposed to be a place of sanctuary. Our marriage, when it works, our most important relationship.

You have done more than your fair share of care giving.

And your mother is a piece of work to make those comments the day your father died. How much more selfish could be be?
Helpful Answer (1)

You already know what a hideously stressful situation it is to care for a parent and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go through that again. Maybe your guilt stems from your mom (who's apparently been waiting out your father) who expects to move in with you. It doesn't sound like she discussed it with you but just took it for granted that you would take her in for the rest of her life. You're not obligated to. You don't have to if you don't want to. She can't force you to take her in. Continue to look at AL facilities with her and hopefully you'll find one that she likes. It's OK to tell her that her moving in with you and your husband wouldn't be the best situation for her. She's placed you in an awkward situation by assuming you would move her in but one conversation with her will clear the air. Have that conversation as soon as possible so she doesn't continue to think she's going to be living with you.
Helpful Answer (2)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter